i really wish i could just consistantly feel happy or feel like crap. no more of this, "i'm ok one second n wanna cut myself open the next" bullshit. its only making me more frustrated with myself n my own stupidness n undesirability are the last things i need to worry about now. i guess for starters on today, i was running kinda late again. for some reason its been so fucking hard for me to get out of bed all week. i'll feel tired towards the end of the day while i'm in class, n even kinda tired when i'm here, but then right around the time i wanna go to bed i snap awake! its re-damn-diculous! n then i can't sleep n when my alarm goes off @ 9:00am i just hate the world. i have no idea what's wrong with me, n its not like i'm taking naps during the day to throw off my cycle.
regardless, i somehow managed to time things perposely so i saw Josh @ the Depot (he works there now, he started yesterday, lol), was able to get a cheeseburger he'd just made for breakfast, n walked into the science building where the bio lecture i tutor for is n saw j :D that made me feel good cuz i'd noticed that his car wasn't around when i walked by his place. i know that all that means is that he probably drove to campus/work today, but it still fills me with anxiety when its not there. i smiled n waved but he didn't smile back. :( it happens sometimes. im pretty sure its nothing personal, but maybe that's me being stupid n optimistic. but i know he hasn't been having the best time with life lately, either, n that's one reason i was hoping i'd get to talk to him while he was online yesterday, but he signed off too fast. that's what i get for not being creepy n not pouncing:P
but the rest of the day went pretty well i think. deposited my pay check in the bank, was able to turn in my old n broken camera, (but now i don't have one. :( they're supposed to get some new ones by Saturday afternoon, so i think i may go to longs then n then get a new one. i wanna picture whore it up whenever we celebrate my b-day cuz damn it, its my b-day party n if i wanna picture whore it up i can picture whore it up! lol), n then i got a huge burrito cuz i knew i wasn't gonna be able to have dinner for a while. i made it back to campus on time for class, went to lab, got quite a bit of work done, but of course still have a bunch to do, n then i signed up for the WPA Conference! :D
now, i know that's not something i've mentioned on here at all i don't think. maybe i did a couple times last year about how i wanted to go but couldn't n would go next year, but i dunno n i really don't want to go back n try to look. n e way, its the Western Psychological Association Conference n they have them every year. its a conference where a bunch of ppl in the field of psychology get together n some ppl give presentations, n some ppl have research they show, n some grad schools come n set up for people to check them out, n its a really great experience to get one's name out there n network n all of that. this year its in Vancouver, Canada, n i know i already went last July, but i finally decided to go for this opportunity n i'm sure i'll be able to afford it if i keep budgeting like i have been for the past month. i know a lot of ppl that are going, but i don't know them very well, which makes me feel kinda uncomfortable, but everyone is friendly n if i never take chances n come out of my shell than i'm never going to get n e where. i've done amazing things and had amazing experiences when i've taken risks n asked questions n come out of my shy hiding spot, n n e one who reads this blog the whole way thro will see that. hopefully this will get me somewhere, altho i'm kind of at that point where i question my life n everything that i'm doing in it again :/ but yeah, now i just need to go onto the WPA website n become a member n then register for the conference n i'm set. i still haven't picked a room to stay in, either, just cuz i don't know ppl that well n i'm trying to get Anabel to come n maybe we can be in the same room. that would be cool because she's someone i know a bit better n i could hang out with her there. the only thing is, the conference is May 3rd-6th, n that's the weekend before finals. :/ but one of my professors is going n he's giving extra credit if u go to the stats workshops n he's presenting one of them too, but of course we'll see how i feel when i get there. Mike (my twice TA) said that some of the presentations are at 8:00am :O
but all this excitement aside, i still manage to feel like crap deep down inside. i'm lonely. the whole being single on my birthday thing is starting to get to me again. i'm turning 20 n the only person in my life who can appreciate that the way i'm going to is Anna n she can't celebrate it with me. i really wanna do something ON my birthday, like go out to dinner, but josh n gabby's one year anniversary was today, (or maybe tomorrow. she kept saying thursday the 2nd, but thursday was today n the 2nd isn't till tomorrow, lol), n i was thinking a huge group of us could just go out to dinner, but depending on how they celebrate their one year that might be a bad idea, especially cuz they'll probably celebrate it by going to dinner. we'll see, tho. if i see/talk to gabby tommorrow i'll say something about it. i totally forgot to mention that i saw her yesterday morning n we hung out for like an hour n a half, which was really cool. i felt bad when drama w/ Kim came up again cuz i could hear it in her voice that she's getting tired of hearing it. that's why i hate fucking telling ppl about my problems n its why i have no one here to talk to when shit goes wrong. everyone leaves me. no one wants to hear about it.
speaking of drama w/ kim, i still haven't heard from her, which doesn't surprise me, n of course when i came home today there was more nice crap on the walls. i just think its really suspicious that she didn't clean up the place n decorate it until i called her irresponsible for not taking out the garbage n called her out on the tp issue.
oh yeah, n i'm totally gaining weight. i can see it n feel it on my stomach. i know part of it is cuz i'm not doing as much walking, but i think i'm also not eating as healthfully, or at least not as lightly. i've eaten every meal on campus this week so far except for the burrito i had today, which explains the unhealthful and heavy part of my meals. maybe next week when i'm not on my period it will be a little easier to get up in the mornings, n hopefully i won't be as depressed/stressed, too, but that also depends on how much work i get my dumbass to do over the weekend n i do have quite a bit of it that would be wise to get thro. but this weight issue is just making me feel worse, n its not like i haven't been feeling totally unattractive for the last two weeks already. about two weekends ago i got a zit on the corner of my mouth n it popped n because i have to use my mouth to eat, talk, suck cock as the case was a couple nights last week, n do various other daily activities that require the mouth, it hasn't healed n its taking forever to do so. at first i was really worried cuz i thought it was a cold sore, but i google imaged that, (n quickly wished that i hadn't), n when i pull my lips to the opposite side i can see that the damn thing isn't actually on my lips even tho some of the pussy scab has extended itself over there.
n of course, when i saw J today the first thing that crossed my mind after, "he didn't smile, i hope he's ok," was, "great, now he's seen that i still have this fucking thing on my face. there is NO WAY he's gonna make a booty call towards me now." i mean, yeah, i'm on my period so its not like he'd wanna come over n e way, but if he called i could at least offer to suck his cock n let him do me up the ass again, lol. but if i don't hear from him tonight i'm not hearing from him this week. i also keep getting these stupid thoughts in my head that he's gonna see me on my birthday, but i know its not gonna happen. i should be smarter than that by now. i'm almost 20 for fuck's sake n whenever i get my hopes up over stupid shit like that that i shouldn't even be hoping for in the first place, those hopes don't come true n then i get all hurt n its all my fucking fault cuz i'm a fucking idiot. but i guess we'll jus see how things go, that boy is full of surprises afterall...but there i go being a fucking idiot again :/
hmm, i'm feeling tired. maybe i'll just go to bed now? it would make waking up tomorrow morning a lot easier n i wanna accomplish some things before i go to campus to meet up w/ n have lunch w/ reanna. my therapist called me a couple mornings ago (n woke me up before my alarm went off, damn it!) n i'm supposed to see her again next week @ 11:15am, which means i'm gonna have to push back lunch w/ reanna a bit in following weeks, but i have to call my therapist again n let her know i can't make that appointment cuz i finally got a hold of the other chik i was trying to make an appointment w/ thro the Emma Center (actually, she got a hold of me, lol. i was second in line to order my burrito n then she called n i went outside to answer it. i felt embarassed :() n i'm supposed to see her next friday @ 11:00am. i think jean will understand if i let call her before next week.
n my iPod is being a dick. i got it to kinda work, but i finally gave n n restored the damn thing. then it was working n updating n everything was happy, yet now its making iTunes gimpy again n i'm wondering if the damn thing is still broken n if its just fucked up my computer. i kinda don't wanna go to bed if its doing that still, but i am tired n i don't see a point in being awake for another hour if it means i'm not gonna be able to go to sleep then n i feel like going to sleep now. hopefully it won't totally fuck up my sleep cycle, but who knows. maybe i'll find something to distract me for an hour n then i'll be super nice n tired by the time its 11:00pm n i'll pass out?
friends
