I have a lot of things on my mind, and right when I focus on something to write about they all scatter back into the folds of my brain the way scared fish dart behind the rocks, kelps, and corals of the ocean. I guess one place to start is that I've been here a week and I'm still alive and I still haven't cut, which are both good I guess, but I haven't been controling my eating too well, either. I'd much rather be cutting than binge eating, but for some reason I'll get hell if I do that, even though I don't see what the bfd with cutting is. I never do it over a fatal place and its never very deep. It's just a cut, the platelets stop the blood flow, new skin cells form, and the affected area is good as new. That doesn't happen when you binge or do a drug of any kind, including alcohol and cigarettes, which some people don't see as a drug for some reason even though by all definitions they are. Or tabacco's the drug, sorry, whatever. Anyway, for those who see cutting as a terrible evil then I guess that's good, but I can't make any promises to keep it up. I had another bad night last night. One of
those nights.
It started out with me thinking about Shadow again. Five months and about an hour and 15 minutes ago today, he was put to sleep. I miss him so much. Having a new cat will be awesome, especially because she's only about 8 weeks old (her b-day is the day before Brian's XD) and she's so cute. She won't be the same as Shadow, though, and no cat ever will. But like the last time I tried to deal with Shadow's death, my mind shoved that memory aside and suddenly brought up others. Once again Nam was the next thing to come into my mind. What the hell do I think of him? What the hell do I feel towards him? It makes no sense. He abandoned me when I needed him most. I can understand the idea now of him taking a step back from me because it wasn't healthy for him. But to just stop talking to me altogether and not give me a fucking reason for it?! I've been hurt, I've been betrayed, and I've been lied to yet again by someone I trusted and dearly loved. I don't think I'll ever be able to function in a male/female relationship because I'm so fucked up. I've never had a normal relationship, and thanx to my fucking asshole ex I never will. And if Nam couldn't handle dealing with my problems when he was THERE during the shit with my ex, how the fuck is anyone else going to handle me?
And then this sets in. The self loathing. How much I hate myself. How filthy and disgusting I am. I'm clingy and I'm psycho and I have a ton of problems and I'm always looking to others to blame. My dad mentally, physicall, emotionally and sexually abused me. My mom sat back and watched him tie me and my brother up and dig his nuckles into our bodies for fun no matter how much we were crying and screaming for him to stop, and my mom wouldn't do a damn thing until she couldn't take it anymore. I wonder if the PTSD started with him. I remember the first couple of times my ex pinned me down that's the first thing I thought of, when my dad used to do that to me and my brother for fun, and once again I'd scream and cry and beg for it to stop and it didn't. and my ex didn't just dig his knuckles into my sides. He did something else to me for fun. I wonder if that's one reason why I felt so hopeless to stop it. I couldn't stop my dad, I wouldn't be able to stop this. And I knew he'd still try to do shit to me even if we weren't dating, and sure enough, I was right. And it was all my fault. Everything is my fault. I'm to blame for everything terrible that's ever happened to me. If i wasn't, then why has it all happened? Why does it keep happening? Why is everything my fault? People tell me its not, yet I live in a society that uses loopholes just to tell me that it was. I hate these thoughts and I hate these feelings!
I just want to get away. I want to escape. Not through death, but through anything else. Sex, drugs, rock 'n roll. Bleeding, nature, Sims 2. It doesn't matter, I just for a moment don't want to be living in my own head, alone in my own head. I'm scared. I'm scared and I'm nervous about starting work. I'm worried about the people I'm going to meet and if I'm going to make friends or if I'm just going to continue to be a loner. I'm worried because I have to take caltrain to and from work everyday. I have to take this public transportation and I have to do it alone. I'm scared to miss a train and I'm scared for my safety. I'm worried that something will go wrong with Leela's surgery before we can bring her home. Even though the humane society spays and nueters pets about 30 times a day, you never know how different animals are going to react to what they're given. The woman helping us with the adoption told us that earlier last week they were going to nueter a rabbit. They gave him a tranquilizer and put him in his cage to give it time to take affect. However, the rabbit started hallucinating and somehow broke his own leg. Yes a different animal, but there is always the rare chance that something can still happen. I hate how I worry so much about stupid shit. I hate it because I know its a part of the PTSD because rather than worry about that happening again, I worry about other shit. But I do worry about that happening again. I'm so scared that before the summer is over my dad is going to rape me. I don't know why, but I am. I don't know. Fuck, I fucking hate how my mind does this to itself. I hate being so crazy.
I need to get laid.
cutting
