Last Night Vol. 2 (it's long but i'd greatly appreciate feedback. thank you)

On the way back to the car and to Humboldt, Leonard and I were talking about drugs. I told him that at the time I wanna do shrooms and X, but i'm not sure about Acid. He said it was cool, and we started talking about how our attitudes on drugs have changed. He told me that at one point he never wanted to do acid and never wanted to do anything other than weed because he was afraid of how it would affect him, but his friends did it and they were ok, so he gave it a try. He also told me this story about how he ended up getting really stoned and trying morphine last year. the way he described it deffinately perked my curiosity, but that shit is really easy to get hooked on and he's lucky that he hasn't. It was funny, though, cuz when we got to the car he was telling that story and he forgot we came in the same car, so he was like, "oh yea, we're in the same car! i wanted to tell you this story before you left. This will make things easier." lol, high people. :P I told him about how I did meth twice and he said he did it once, and then we talked about the people we knew who were into it, how they can "quit any time" but are very obviously addicted. It felt good to be able to joke about how stupid they were rather than focus on how much my ex's lying hurt me. then again that could have just been the weed, but still, that's more progress. he's the dumbass who's fucking himself up more and more with that shit. i'm not.

 

when we all got back here we decided it was bed time, (it was 12:56am and we got to the beach at like 9:15pm), so i came back to my room. my phone said i had a new voice mail so i listened to it, and it was just more techno and Stuart going, "wha? wahh" and then hanging up. I called him and left a message that was simply, "sounds like we both had a good night. call me back when you get this! later." i didn't think he'd call back for another couple hours cuz his phone wrang once and then went to the answering machine. I came on here, ate half of a spinach & portabello eggel (bagel w/ egg) with avacado and swiss cheese (it sucked cold, but still satisfied) because i still had a bit of the munchies, answered the three replies i had on here, checked my myspace, and signed off.

 

I was just about to change into my night clothes when Stuart called me back. at first i had a really hard time understanding him because he couldn't really talk, still, but apparently his friend patrick decided to not trip for the rave, therefore giving Stuart his hit of LSD, meaning Stuart took three last night. As he talked more he got more cognitive, and basically what i got was this. He wanted to call his gf, Angela, but he was really high and also it was 3:00am their time. He didn't think she'd like that. (and how many times have people i wasn't dating done that and i didn't care? lol) so he asked me if i wanted to have phone sex. "Could you be her for me?" he asked. hearing that sentence and something in his voice...it made me feel really bad. I felt like a bad friend if I said no, but I felt disgusting and wrong if i didn't. i asked him if he'd tell his gf, and after much stuttering and round-about words the answer was yes because he's told her about his other sexual thoughts and he didn't think she'd care. i felt conflicted. he was pressuring me and i was trying not to trigger. he had three hits of LSD. but at the same time, fuck. i always take care of the peole i care about when they need me to, and but this is how he wanted to be taken care of right now. i wasn't in the mood and said, "I can try." he was like, "ok, let's start." i just kinda sat here and was like, "are you sure?" he said his dick was out, so he had to be sure. I asked if he was hard and then if he was stroking himself, and somewhere between those two sentences his phone died.

 

i felt so disgusting, but i didn't have the heart to tell him no so i figured i'd just ignore him. he called again. and again. and again. i put my phone on silent, but i could still see him call again. and again. and again. he ultimately left me three messages. the first two were pretty much, "Call me back!" and in the first i thought he was crying at first, but the more i listened he just sounded really panicy. i just couldn't do it. i figure i still had to have been sort of high last night at this time because i almost didn't call him back in the first place because i didn't want to deal with any drama, and even though i couldn't tell him no, i still had the willpower to put my phone on silent and ignore him. The last message i got was him saying he still felt kind of fucked up, but "I apologize for my behavior." he then tried to quote something from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, but he was too strung out to make the sentence work.

 

Last night i felt bad. I felt like was a bad friend for turning him down and wondered if i did the right thing. when i woke up there was no question in my mind- i might feel like i ditched him, something i told myself i'd never do, but i did the right thing. i don't know how he would have felt when he sobered up, but i know i would have felt dirty and disgusting. when I dated Jon for two days while my ex and i were on one of our many breaks, he told me he didn't consider phone sex cheating and basically gave me permission to have phone sex with my ex. so i did. and in retrospect i absolutely should not have done that. i was weak willed, and i hate to admit it, but that time it wasn't all my ex. i fucked up on that and i feel so disgusting about it.

 

i know that not having the ability to just say no to Stuart out of some crazy fear is part of the PTSD. but look at all the other things i did last night- didn't even realize i was alone with four guys, two i'd just met for about 15 minutes last night until this morning, didn't freak out at Casey's joke, laughed about how stupid my ex was rather than feel like shit. Baby steps. Baby steps to recovery. I started to make a real fucking bad decision last night and still don't think ignoring him was the best choice, but it was the best i could do with all the triggers going on. but I know that i'm making progress because of the other things i'd done earlier, and yeah, the latter two happened when i was high, but being alone with four guys?! Two of them I'd just met??!! and one of them, Jose, was straight up mexican and because my ex was hispanic and his mom's bf was mexican, i feel especially weary around them. (i know it sounds racist, but its true.) And i didn't even fucking notice I was alone til earlier!

 

anyway...i would appreciate some sort of feedback on this. opinions, did i do the right thing, so on. part of me feels like i was just a bad friend all around last night. i said "bye" to dragonsbride so i could hang out with Ted, didn't talk to Anna cuz i was with other people, and had to ditch Stuart and didn't have the heart to just tell him, no. but at least i know with the last one that i made the right choice. I know this is long, but if you read it please leave some sort of feedback. Thank you. and yes, this is a public entry, so Stuart is fully capable of reading this.

 

and just incase, here's the link to vol. 1, even though its the entry right before this one.