it's sinking in...(blood and sex, not for the faint of heart or closed-minded)

...that i don't have him anymore, not the way that i did. last night was the last night me n albert had together, and as of last night when he left, i felt ok. we had a hell of a night together. the only other person i'd ever cut before was nam, but last night while me n albert were having sex i cut him a little because he'd always wanted someone to do it, and it was amazing. him and i both have really similar beliefs about how blood is a symbol for a person's soul. i see it as like the closest thing you can get to a physical embodiment of a person's soul. its like when u lick up someone's blood, there's now a part of them inside of you. not just a piece of their body, but a part of their thoughts, their feelings, the thing that makes them who they are- the soul. apparently i didn't cut him deep enough, tho, cuz he took the knife from me n cut himself deeper on his chest...n then i started spreading some of his blood on me over my heart and stuff, and i just felt so close and connected with him. i'm sure a lot of u are really freaked out from that, but i don't care. it was one of the most intense and intimate experiences of my life, especially seeing him do that to himself, especially for me.

we had sex a couple times last night, (like four, haha, and he got a blow job), n when i cut him we did it twice in a row. he then sat back n said he was worried about getting blood on my wall because i had cut the back of his shoulders a little, too, so instead i took some of the blood from the cuts on his chest and i drew a heart on the wall above my bed with it. (yeah, if now ur really freaked out, lol) we kept adding more to it, little by little, and after a while i took the knife and just cut a line down my stomach and i took some of my blood and added it to the heart. he'd tried to cut me himself, but i didn't let him because i was too scared. mine wasn't nearly as deep and was only one so i didn't bleed as much, but now there's a little piece of me on the wall with him, too.

we were just hanging out afterwards, nude and bleeding, not caring about anything but each other, and i just thought about everything, all the ways he's made me feel, how i trust him so much for some reason, and how i've shared things with him, like what we did last night, that i never thought i'd do with anyone. i think that's why i felt ok last night, but reading something cyn just posted on her myspace made things hit me...

....shit, i'm late for class now. we'll see how i feel in a while. we're probably not going to see each other today, but that's ok.