in the dream i saw someone i haven't seen in a long time, months except for here n there when i see a picture that makes me want to vomit. he looked a little different in the dream that he does in real life, but his voice was the same and i knew it was him. he even called me in the dream n his name came up on the caller ID. we talked in the dream like we were friends, like nothing had ever happened between us. he had a son, and when i asked who the mother was i got an unexpected answer, it wasn't the gf that he has now, the reason why things went bad in the first place cuz apparently it makes her sick to her stomach that we fucked even tho it was never while they were dating n we'd been doing it since freshman year. i guess because of that he's not allowed to talk to me, even tho she still can. (?)
its been fucking with me all day and i've been trying not to let it. it didn't help that when my comp restarted n automatically signed me on AIM he was online. i just had to say something, at least that i saw him in a dream n he was in humboldt for a project for some reason n he was staying here...n we just talked, like we were friends, like nothing happened between us, n that it makes me sad that he can't let that really happen. i had to sign off n go to class then, but its the first thing either of us have said to each other since the week before i last saw him in person.
i really just want to go back to my friends' place n study there, but i know i shouldn't. if i've learned anything and if this experience only enforced anything i've learned, its that i can't rely on anyone for anything. I just wonder why, after everything that's been happening these past couple days and after i finally started feeling like maybe this wasn't the end, why did i see him and why did this happen? I wish i could be rid of him, the memories of his flesh and sweat....but i can't.
dreams
