i can't stop crying

even once i get a moment to breathe, i just start again. i haven't cried like this or felt this kind of pain since we first had to break up...back then when he cared, when he didn't want to as much as i didn't, back when he'd hold me when i cried like this...i seriously can't stop, even when i can't breathe, i can't stop n i just choke for air. i've already used up like a whole role of toilet paper for tissues.

even dr. sommerman could tell something was wrong with me when i went in her office today w/ my partner for her class. she asked if i was ok n i just said i had a bad day n i started crying right there in front of both of them. how fucking EMBARASSING! i just don't kno how i can mentally n emotionally get back into school or focus on finding new roomies now when all i want to do is sleep n cry.

he won't tell me what's wrong, but i know that something is. i asked cyn if she'd tell me cuz she hung out outside even tho that fucking bitch said she wouldn't if i was there because it stresses me out. "do you really want to hear it from me? i think he should tell you himself." she even said, "just tell her what you've wanted to say," n still he wouldn't. i thought we were cool when i saw him on thrusday.

n i just keep asking myself: why am i still chasing somebody who treats me the way my first boyfriend did?

when i saw him today i asked if we could talk n he said he didn't feel like it.

when can we talk?
when he feels like it.
when will he feel like it?
he doesn't kno.
you know how much i hate being ignorned and you know you're not the first guy to do this to me.

he just looked me in the eyes n said, "and?"

are you kidding?

don't do this, what's going on, albert please don't, please talk to me, what the fuck, why won't u talk to me.

the whole time i was following him down those stairs, grabbing his arm, trying to pull him back n saying all those things over n over, seeing all those ppl passing by us n looking at me like i'm crazy, every time i closed my eyes i was in high school again. it wasn't me n this boy, it was me 5 years ago on the street behind that little catholic school, asking some other jackass all the same questions and getting the same response. not just from him, but from the passer-bys, too, who i guess are lucky enough not to kno how this feels based on the way they're looking at me. i was 14, 15, 16, 17 years old again. just a little girl, helpless to another situation brought on by loving a man.

its that false hope that keeps me coming back. usually he's totally willing to talk to me, even if its not about something pleasant. he's even complained about how cyn will do this shit to him, n then he just turns around n does it to me. i'm shocked, i'm lost, i'm confused and i'm pissed of, not just at him for doing this, but at myself for reacting this way.

when i think about it, it makes sense why this all hurts so bad, but i wonder if subconsiously its easier for me to get mad at myself because i have more control over that than the black heart of another human being, even if i feel like i don't at times. or maybe i really don't n i just think i do. who fucking knows? i'm just trying so hard to get my mind off of this, but i can't, not when everything- places, objects, stuff we talk about in class- makes me think of him n what a good friend he used to be n how more than anything i just want my friend back. i was hoping that because its been a few months, that once finals were over maybe we could work something out, but i guess its not going to fucking happen.

i hate how in movies, u see those girls that have a giant group of friends that are willing to mobilize for her whenever she needs them. i wish life worked like that for me, but it never has. i've always had to fight all of my battles pretty much all on my own. supposedly i'm stronger for that, but i don't feel that way, not now at all.

i have someone coming over in 10 minutes (maybe) to look at the place, so i need to get my shit together. i'll be damned to have some potential room mate stranger come here n be able to tell that i've been crying off n on since 11:00am.

n if hell freezes over n someone actually reads this, please don't tell me that, "plenty of fish in the sea, he's an ass get over it" shit, cuz i've heard it all before n it doesn't help.