once agian, i fucked things up between me and Nam, and i didn't even know i would this time!!! i called him on my way back from the career center to tell him i made a resume and ask if he was proud. i wanted to see how his night went, wanted to see how his midterm went. I got his answering machine, i left a message pretty much saying all that. I tried calling him back like five minutes ago, and he answers and he's all pissed. He's like, "I've been in class." Was his phone on silent? no. not my fucking fault. and it's not my fucking fault i don't know his schedual anymore. i asked for it when he started school, and what did he say? he asked why i needed it. made me sound like a fucking stalker psycho bitch or something. so i told him, "Well you know I don't know your schedual anymore", to which he responded, "Well you usually don't call during the day." WELL I'M FUCKING SORRY!!!! I'M FUCKING SORRY THAT I WASN'T ALLOWED TO FUCKING CALL YOU DURING THE DAY!!!! I'M FUCKING SORRY YOU DECIDED TO BE DANIEL TODAY AND CONTROL WHEN I CAN AND CAN'T CALL YOU!!!!! i was so fucking happy. every night since saturday night, except for last night, Nam and I have talked on the phone. I didn't care that we didn't last night because i was so happy that Nam and i were talking on a regular basis again. He was starting to be his old self and it was helping me move on, gain control, lessen my depression, but no, i had to go and fuck that all up because I OVERSTEPPED MY FUCKING GROUNDS BY TAKING THE FUCKING CHANCE OF CALLING HIM DURING THE DAY!!!! IT WAS MY FAULT, ALWAYS FUCKING MY FAULT!!! ALL MY LIFE IT'S BEEN FUCKING MY FAULT!!!! i can almost swear Nam didn't answer the phone. maybe he's just a different person during the day, during school. maybe he's nice at night because his room mates and stuff are around and he doesn't want to look like a cunt....of course that's it....it's not me, i'm not worth it....i was once, but not anymore....my signal died, and i think he tried calling back once, but it just died again. I just called back to tell him all that stuff, to tell him i was getting newspaper so i could carve my pumpkin now. Fuck it. Now i just want to carve myself. I don't know a fucking thing anymore. i just hurt so bad and want to run away from everything.
ptsd
