so santa cruz was alright yesterday. originally reanna was supposed to pick me up from the chiropractor, but of course cuz he's a flake she didn't even leave Berkeley until i was done with my appointment. our day of getting away from our pain was off to a great start already. i tried as much as possible not to show that i was pissed, n i think it worked. she didn't seem to notice that n e thing was wrong. it was me, Reanna n Alia, n then Zach after we picked him up at his house. we hung out there for a while, then we went to the cement boat in Aptos and then to Natural Bridges in Santa Cruz. we looked at the tide pools, then we went to the Boardwalk for a bit n when we saw that there was nothing to do there, we went to downtown Santa Cruz. This was the first time i'd ever been there, n seeing that Zach was the only person over 21, there wasn't much for us to do other than walk around. Somewhere between 10:30 and 11:00pm we left and Zach told us about this hookah bar that we might be able to go to. We drove by n it was 18 n over, meaning me, Reanna, n Alia could get in (we're all 20), n it was $21.99 for a hookah, which was about $5 a piece. I still had money from my granpa's bday present a couple weeks ago, so i was ok with that n Zach ended up paying for me n e way for some reason, lol. it was really chill there for a while n i got the most buzzed off of hookah that i've ever been in my life before. that felt really nice. unfortunately, tho, something happened to make me think of the bullshit that's been going on these past couple of nights n a very similiar think happened to me that does when i get stoned- the pain n reality of the situation seemed that much more real, n hurt that much more. And of course, i then couldn't forget that pain deep in my gut for the rest of the night. it still lingered there, no matter what. of course it wasn't as bad as it is when i get stoned, but it still happened. I think i'm gonna have to start sticking to alcohol now cuz that shit doesn't happen to me when i get drunk. other than that we had a good time n left around like 12:45am.
we dropped Zach off at his house n then on the way home we were listening to music n Christina Aguilera's "Beautiful" came on. If you don't know already, i'm a big fan of hers. Not only that, but earlier that day on the way to Santa Cruz Reanna n Alia had made me listen to the backstreet boy's "i want it that way," n a little bit later Christina Aguilera's "I Turn to You" came on n Alia changed it, even tho i pleaded the case that they had made me listen to the Backstreet Boys earlier. Well now Alia wanted to change it again n i said "no" n Reanna was like, "No, we're gonna listen to it n jen is gonna sing n its gonna be awesome!" i smiled because i got really self-conscious at hearing this. I haven't sang this song in a long time n even when i was singing it like everyday i still had a hard time hitting some of the higher notes. also, the last time i heard this song something happened to me that hadn't since it first came out- i couldn't sing it. not the whole song. But i couldn't sing the first n third chorus n i couldn't listen to the second one. the reason why: I feel like its a lie. In the first chorus its "I am beautiful no matter what they say/Words can't bring me down," and in the third that's changed to "We." i feel like i'm lying to myself when I sing it. it was the same way when this song came out when i was w/ my ex. n i can't listen to the second chorus because then its "you" and i feel like she's lying to me. i know that may sound dumb, but its true. the last time i heard this song, only a couple months ago, i started crying n i had to leave the room. i felt like i'd lost so much progress n i was so angry with myself for that. I tried surpressed it best i could.
well last night i thought, "to hell with it," and i sang. it didn't sound as good as it used to when i would do it because its been a while, but i still did it n at first i was really insecure n shy about it. i was scared that i'd start to cry, but when i got to the first chorus something i didn't expect happened to me. i had one of those moments. the ones when i remember how strong i am. how i've fought so long thro so much and i'm still here. i'm still here n i'm still trying. i still feel suicidal really badly, n i still think about killing myself. but now that strong part of me, that fighter has taken back its strength n a thought crossed my mind as i was singing. it was simply, "To hell with him, to hell with all of them- I am beautiful, I am strong, I am amazing and you're missing out on a really great thing." thought like that rarely cross my mind when i'm in Santa Clara, but it hit me last night as i was singing this song and i really felt it was true, for the first time in many, many, many months. i sang the rest of the song, n when i got to the bridge i had a hard time because that's where a lot of the higher notes are, but reanna was like, "sing it girl!" n after that my insecurities in my vocal abilities were gone n i put my heart into the rest of it. reanna said that was awesome when the song was over n i wasn't sure i believed her, but at that moment i decided i was going to do something- i'm going to try to sing this song to myself once a day, at least once a day, everyday until i believe it. I've been listening to it now n i tried to sing earlier n i began to cry so i had to stop, but then i tried again n i could do it. i almost started crying again during the first chorus n i just fought thro it n i could do it. the reason why is because cindy n albert have recomended that i say that i'm beautiful n today will be a great day n stuff like that to myself to help me feel better. cindy said it helps her, but i told albert that it makes me feel like i'm lying to myself n he said it makes him feel the same way so he has a hard time doing it, too. but as long as i can hold onto that feeling, the one i had last night, then maybe it will help and maybe i will be ok despite everything that is going on. i haven't cried as much as i cried a couple nights ago when i saw j had deleted me n all my comments on his myspace, n maybe taking a day away from all that is what helped me out.
speaking of j, tho, he responded to the message that i sent him. i held my head up high as i opened it n saw this:
"I apologize, repercussions of gabby's gab. Carly is very important to me, and complications with keeping that relationship sound. It was a pleasure."
i'm calling him because i want to talk this out. i want to know wtf happened, what she told him, what she knows, n how she knows. n rest assured, i'm not sure i'm ever going to fucking talk to gabby ever fuckin again.
*update* i called n it went straight to his voicemail. i left him a message asking him to please talk to me n i tried not to cry as i was leaving it. i don't know if he'll call me back, but i just want some answers n i wanna work things out. there's a lot of thoughts going thro my head right now, but we'll see what happens when/if he calls...
drama
