Going through the attitude questionnaire in the book actually gave me a lot more to think about in terms of what my attitudes towards sexuality were/are. Not only that, but it made me think about what exactly are my parents’ views on a lot of the issues in the questionnaire. When it came down to it, there were quite a bit that I honestly just had no clue. For example, question number five asks, “In a loving relationship, having sex with others outside the primary relationship is all right if both partners agree.” As much as I’d love to take a guess, which I did with some of the other questions based on things my parents have told me or what they’ve said about issues in the news such as gay marriage, I really have no idea what my parents think about this topic.

Question five was also one of the few questions that I differed on from the “4-6 years ago” column. Before I would have said I “somewhat disagree” just because I simply find it hard to believe that a couple would be ok with that. However, as the years have gone by I’ve read some articles, talked to some people, and within the last couple months had my own experience with this kind of a situation in which a married couple asked me to be their girlfriend. Of course jealousy eventually overcame the wife and she made us break up even though me nor her husband were ready to, (and I say “of course” because I feel like an idiot for having any sort of faith that the relationship would work), but even with that said, I would now say that I “strongly agree.”

Another thing that made it difficult for me to rate what I think my parents’ answers would have been is the fact that my mom and dad’s opinions are different on some of these issues, or they might feel the same way but the reason is different. For example, I know this wasn’t a question on there, but when I was two years old my mom got pregnant with my brother. (He was born when I was three, my birthday being in February and his is in March.) My mom just kind of decided that she might as well come clean with me about the facts of life: How babies are made, where they come from, the process of bringing them into the world and so on. She even gave me a little brochure to look at about the cervix dilating and going into labor and light exercises that were good for pregnant mothers that wouldn’t hurt their unborn babies. It made sense to her- she was visibly pregnant and she knew that her daughter was very curious and would be asking about what was going on. My dad, on the other hand, even after my mom explained everything to me and gave me the brochure, still told me that babies were brought by the stork. I remember coming up with some kind of weird, two year old reasoning for this, like some parents preferred to have their baby brought by a stork so it was another option, but I was very confused at first.

I also noticed that even though I feel the same way about some of these issues, the reason why I feel that way is different or that my opinions on it differ slightly. An example of this is that 4-6 years ago I believed that abortion was a great option available for unplanned pregnancies. I still believe this; however, back then I would have been totally willing to have an abortion if I got pregnant. Now, because of various life experiences again, I’m not sure I could go through with that. I’m sure that as my life goes on, more experiences will change or alter some more of my opinions on sexual issues.

Self-Evaluation

For the self evaluation, these are a lot of questions that I’ve answered myself or in talking to friends in the past or in the Choices and Changes in Sexuality class, and I think its interesting how some of these answers differ from my own. It amazes me that even when I was younger, I figured that a lot of people had similar experiences with sex to the ones that I had. I’m not sure why I thought this, it doesn’t really make logical sense, but for some reason I did. I have always been fairly open about my sexuality and curious about the sexuality of others though, so I quickly learned that this was not the case.

Nudity

I know that when I was very young, my dad was comfortable with being nude around me. I remember seeing him walk around the house and being fascinated with how his parts differed from my mom’s. I’m not sure when this stopped, though. I’d guess that it was probably around when I was three or four, and I’m not sure why this was either. Maybe it had to do with the new baby in the house, or maybe he thought his daughter was getting too old to see penis all the time. I’ve never asked. My mom on the other hand has been very open about her body and being nude around both me and my brother for pretty much my whole life. I think it was when I was home for a break last year that I was watching TV in their bedroom and she walked in and kicked me out because she needed to change. I was shocked! I hadn’t seen her vulva since I was about 10 or so, but I was 19 before she decided she wasn’t comfortable with me seeing hear breasts anymore. Again, I’m not sure why this change occurred. I almost wonder if it’s because I’ve never been as open about my body with her. My dad could understand my modesty, but she couldn’t. I still remember how angry she was when I told her I was modest even around her.

I’m not sure how comfortable I’m going to be with my children, if I ever have them, in terms of being nude in front of them. More likely than not I’ll probably be like my mom, but I also have a lot of issues with my body. I remember being a kid and my dad calling my mom fat and then he’d get me and my brother to do it, too. We didn’t know any better then, we were both very young, but I also know that still doesn’t make it right, and I guess one of my fears is that my children will say things about my body, too.

Masturbation

When I was very young again, probably when I was in second grade, I somehow discovered that if I sat just right on the corner of the desks, it felt really good. Now that I know about my anatomy, I realize that I was rubbing my clitoris on the corners of the desks. I almost wonder if this early activity is one of the reasons it’s so sensitive now. At 9 years old I started puberty, and shortly after my 10^th birthday I found myself curious one day as to why sex feels good. I piled some blankets together on my bed because it was the closest to something that could actually penetrate me as I could get, (the idea of a finger hadn’t even occurred to me at all), and I humped them. This didn’t really answer why sex felt good, but it in my mind it definitely answered that it did, and really, that was all that mattered. I’ve been masturbating ever since and I’m turning 21 next week.

I never told anyone what I did when I was younger, because I thought of it like sex and I thought my parents would get mad at me if they knew. (I have no shame now.) At the time I also thought that I was the only person doing this, even though I remember wondering about how boys would do what I was doing. Would they have sex with a cup or something? Even though my mom had told me what I needed to know about puberty, I didn’t learn about masturbation until Sex Ed in school a couple years later.

Sex-Slang—“Dirty Words”

I feel comfortable using every dirty word that I can think of. I think the only ones I ever hesitate with are “taint,” or “poon” or any variation of that, just because it sounds so much more objectifying of my anatomy than words like, “pussy” or “cunt.” I’m not sure why, but they do. I’m honestly not sure which of these words my parents feel comfortable using- I wouldn’t be surprised if my dad likes using all the female ones and my mom likes using all the male ones. For me, though, it comes down to why or how someone says it. Like if a friend called me a cunt, I’d probably be ok with it. If someone else did, I don’t know. It also depends on why they’re calling me that. If someone calls me a cunt because they mean I’m a bitch, it wouldn’t hurt me as much as if they did it because they were objectifying me, especially if a man called me that.

First Sexual Experience

My first sexual experience was with a man that was a lot older than me. We didn’t have sex, but he felt me up, sucked my nipples a bit, and I gave him a blow job. I remember feeling really excited that here I was, 14 and feeling like someone wanted everyone around me except for me, a fat little girl that no one had any sort of interest in, and now I was getting attention from a boy and if I kept seeing him then maybe eventually I’d have him to satisfy me sexually so I wouldn’t have to masturbate, at least not as much. I’m really not sure how much it affected me.

Male-Female Intercourse

I know that I first learned about this when I was very young, when my mom was pregnant with my brother because she explained all of that to me. I don’t remember my reactions to it at all, though. My first personal experience with vaginal intercourse was…well, I don’t want to say unusual because I know that many people have had similar ones, but it’s not something that I’m comfortable sharing right now. I will say, though, that my attitudes are different. The best way I can explain it is like this: I should have waited until I was married, but since I’ve already lost my virginity and I like sex, why should I stop having it as long as both me and my partner are consenting?

Same-Gender Activities and Transgender Attitudes

I honestly have no idea how I learned about same sex attractions. I remember having a crush on a girl when I was in 4^th grade and thinking that these feelings were abnormal and that there was something wrong with me because I didn’t even know that was possible. I know I picked it up somewhere between there and 7^th grade, because I was in 8^th grade when I myself began to identify as bisexual. Since then I have had some sexual experiences with women- I’ve made out, grinded on, played/sucked on each other’s nipples, I fingered a girl, and she also had vaginal sex with me using a strap on.

I think that gender roles are stupid. End of story. Because of this, I have a really hard time understanding what it even means to be transgender. I feel like an idiot because it seems like everyone at HSU gets it but me. I know that this isn’t true, but it makes me feel embarrassed and I don’t just want to walk up to someone who is transgender and start asking questions because I feel like it’s ignorant and rude. I’m sure the get it enough.

Sexual Behavior

I consider “hooking up” to be any sort of fooling around, including mutual masturbation. “Having sex” I consider to be vaginal intercourse between a man and a woman, anal intercourse between two men, and I’m not sure what I consider it for two women now. I used to think of it as two women fingering each other, (I don’t like saying “mutual masturbation” there because not all women finger themselves when they masturbate, including me and my now ex-girlfriend who I did that with), except I fingered my ex, but she never fingered me. Then again, she did use a strap on with me once, so I guess we had sex? But I still feel like we didn’t at the same time.

As far as the list of things that may or may not be exciting to me with a partner, they all are. However, when it comes to using painful stimulation or acting out a sexual fantasy, it depends on who my partner is because this effects how much I trust them and such, as well as whether or not I’m just in the mood for it. Also, when it comes to “painful stimulation,” I tend to be a sadist. Sometimes I like having my nipples pinched a little or something, but I’m usually the one who is causing the pain. I have NEVER done something to someone if they didn’t consent and I always stop if I hear the safety word.

I’m just going to skip letter c on this question simply because I could easily right another seven pages on that and this paper is already long enough. The same can be said for letter d, but there are some very basic things, such as whether or not I can trust this person. If I’m just looking for fun I can also be pretty shallow in finding a partner, but when it comes to a sexual partner in a relationship what matters is if I love them. I realized that I didn’t think that any of my boyfriends were attractive until I started getting crushes on them. I also prefer partners that are open about their sexuality like mine and are willing to explore. A sex drive as big as mine helps, too.

Your Cultural Heritage

My primary cultural heritage is American. I almost want to say that I don’t know how this has affected me, but it when I really think about it, I know that’s a lie. It’s definitely contributed to my self-esteem problems, because I really don’t think it’s possible for me to ever naturally look the way women are told they’re supposed to in this society. I think I have self esteem issues for a lot of other reasons, too, though. I think though, that this is where some things start to differ. I’ve always been a rebel in my own right, and I find a lot of my beliefs contradicting what society says they should be, and I don’t care. I LOVE ANAL SEX!! (gasp!) Big deal? Why should I be ashamed of that? I almost wonder if some of my views on sex are different simply because they are different. For example, I’ve always thought about posing nude because even though I don’t like my body, I still see the human body as a work of art and on good days I don’t think I’m a exception to that. (I have lots of weird, contradicting feelings about my body like that.) The reason why I haven’t, though, is because I’m afraid that it will come back and ruin any future career I have. At the same time, though, I almost want it to just so I can stand in front of this great country and say, “So what? If I’m good at my job, what does it matter what I did for fun or to help pay for schooling to get to where I am?” I’m sure that no matter how good my arguments were that no one would really listen, but part of me likes to think that maybe, just maybe, I’d inspire at least one other woman to follow in my footsteps and challenge society’s double standards like that.

I honestly wouldn’t say that my American culture has ever made me react to my own sexuality in a surprising or uncomfortable way, but it is a little strange being around people whose sexual beliefs are different from me because they are part of a different culture. In many ways it’s frustrating. In high school, I had a Persian friend who had an older brother that could go out and party all he wanted whenever he wanted, but she had a strict curfew, they always had to know where she was, and they wouldn’t even put her on birth control even though her period cramps were so bad she couldn’t walk.