now, this is by no means everything that has been going on with me n once u know everything that has been going on, this will all make more sense. (trust me, u may think now, oh, its that same stupid crap with j again, but seriously, this week some shit went down on my birthday- that DID NOT involve him!- that has made things w/ j n my whole idea of boys n shit all fucked up.)

lets start with this past Thursday. some of u may recall this entry, which i posted the morning after my birthday, which was Tuesday the 6th, btw. so Thursday i check my phone between classes because the previous one got out a little bit earlier than usual n i had time, n i had a new text message from that damn boy:

"humm, i'm a wee bit late, but happy b-day! be sure to know what u want (if n e thing)"

now, i'm not dumb. i know he either forgot or didn't care or something, but i was so happy to see that! lol, that he went out of his way n bothered to wish me a happy b-day even tho it was two days late made me giggle.^-^

"Hehe i thought u forgot ;p"

later on that night shortly after 10:00pm i sent him another text (partially as a joke):

"So when do i get belated bday sex? :p"

i didn't expect a response. n i didn't get one, so w/e. i went on with life, even tho i did feel lonely n such when i woke up in the morning. (like i said, once i explain everything thats happened this week that will make more sense, n i reiterate that what i'm refering to has nothing to do with the person i'm typing about now) i went thro my friday, called up n talked to the landlady n i may be able to kick Kim out, (i'll get to that more later cuz some of u mindsayers may need to help me out), went to that chik thro the Emma Center n that was cool, got to converse a little more w/ j's roomie Andrew (:D), went to classes, ate food cuz i'm a fat-ass, went to josh n gabby's n we watched movies.

the first one was already an hour thro when i got there n it was a Spanish movie called Sex & Lucia. trust me, this is not a movie u want to miss n e part of because u will quickly become confused n if ur as immature as my friends u'll quickly lose interest because apparently the first half of the movie is just a bunch of very graphic sex scenes that u'd never seen in an American movie, some of which i did see n some of which they rewound the movie for me to see after it was over. XD n e way, anna called during the movie so i missed another 45 or so minutes of it, n then we watched an Australian movie called Heaven's Burning. im not sure if i liked it yet or not, but it was deffinately interesting. however, because of some issues my libido has been in a bit of over-drive this week, n the sex scenes in those movies, especially the first one cuz it actually showed cock getting hard, and even getting stroked.

after the second movie i came home, (josh was nice enough to give me a ride cuz it was raining outside n i didn't have my semi-poncho), n to my surprise, j was online! of course this is an occasion to be celebrated because this never happens n e more, so i IMed him saying hi n asking how he'd been doing. then the window froze so i had to close it n i wasn't sure if in that time he'd responded or n e thing like that, so i had to get the conversation going again incase he did or something.

fuzzycookie1 (11:56:47 PM): crap, the window froze, sorry, lol
j is no longer idle at 11:57:42 PM.
fuzzycookie1 (11:59:31 PM): what r u up to tonight?
fuzzycookie1 (12:02:28 AM): u know i'm actually sober right now n i'm in the mood to do something if u are if u catch my drift, lol...
j is idle at 12:07:51 AM. 
j is no longer idle at 12:13:26 AM. 
j (12:15:13 AM): not tonite sry hun, sleepy time
fuzzycookie1 (12:15:23 AM): lol
j (12:15:24 AM): soon if u would like
j (12:15:30 AM): nite
fuzzycookie1 (12:15:33 AM): kk
fuzzycookie1 (12:15:36 AM): i hope ur doin well
j signed off at 12:15:39 AM.

its not that i was mad at him. i've just been very sexually frustrated due to the crap that went on on my bday n the fact that we haven't seen each other for over two weeks now, meaning i haven't had sex in over two weeks now n those movies didn't help. i also felt really rejected and ignored, tho. he couldn't even try to make some conversation with me? it makes me wonder what he was doing while he was online cuz i know that i'll do other things on my computer or i'll get up n pee without leaving an away message or something like that. i think that because of everything thats been going on, tho, it made me feel really hurt. i just felt unwanted n unattractive. also, i'd asked him on myspace out of curiosity if he'd been to n e other raves since new years, n he didn't respond to that, either. i wasn't expecting him to again, but this has been a tough week for me in terms of boys. n even tho i had to be up @ 8:00am today for the rest of my 1 unit seminar, i still really wanted sex last night, so really i shouldn't have even asked in the first place cuz thinking of it now, its kinda rude that i would have to had kicked him out @ about 8:15am n i don't know if he needed to work or n e thing today so i don't know if he needed to be up that early.

i felt a little better in the morning, i went to my class, talked to emo jimmy a bit, (he's coming up here tonight to visit for a few days! n we're throwing another birthday party for me! and Becky is already here! :D!), n did a bit of grocery shopping on the way back even tho its pouring down rain, n then i saw Kim's car here n was IMMEDIATELY in a shitty mood again. i came upstairs thinking about how great it would be if J was online cuz i need to do my laundary n i could ask him to drive me over there cuz it was raining, n tho my shock, amazement, n almost even horror, he was online! :O! could something be going right?!

fuzzycookie1 (5:15:00 PM): omg
fuzzycookie1 (5:15:07 PM): ur online two days in a row!
fuzzycookie1 (5:15:08 PM): lol
j (5:15:08 PM): ?
j (5:15:11 PM): gasp!
fuzzycookie1 (5:15:14 PM): XD
fuzzycookie1 (5:15:23 PM): what calls for this special occasion?
j (5:16:47 PM): humm
j (5:16:48 PM): dunno
fuzzycookie1 (5:17:01 PM): lol
fuzzycookie1 (5:17:07 PM): how've u been?
j (5:20:52 PM): hmm, all right i spose
j (5:20:55 PM): and urself?
fuzzycookie1 (5:21:06 PM): eh, same i guess
fuzzycookie1 (5:21:09 PM): lol
fuzzycookie1 (5:21:38 PM): are things working out between u n carly ok?
j (5:22:03 PM): ummm, ya I guess
fuzzycookie1 (5:22:10 PM): :/
fuzzycookie1 (5:22:12 PM): i'm sorry
fuzzycookie1 (5:22:31 PM): is ur financial situation a little better at least? lol
j (5:22:40 PM): yes, much in that situation
fuzzycookie1 (5:23:11 PM): that's awesome
fuzzycookie1 (5:23:34 PM): i was wondering how u were gonna afford Santa Barbara if ur having trouble here, lol
j (5:24:05 PM): the financial situation was complicated with the bank and checks not being accepted and me spending money i thougth I had but I didn't etc
j (5:24:10 PM): it is not a lack of overall money
j (5:24:18 PM): but a lack of accessible money at a given point in time
fuzzycookie1 (5:24:37 PM): ah
fuzzycookie1 (5:25:10 PM): i'm glad that's gotten worked out
j (5:25:20 PM): me 2 me2... heh
fuzzycookie1 (5:25:20 PM): what else r u up to this semester? have u found n e other musicals to be in?
fuzzycookie1 (5:25:23 PM): hehe
j (5:25:36 PM): yes actually, I am in a production of "Oliver"
fuzzycookie1 (5:25:42 PM): oooo
j (5:25:44 PM): March 22nd I believe is opening night
fuzzycookie1 (5:25:52 PM): is it @ CR again?
j (5:26:12 PM): I dunno where we are performing, but I am thinking no
j (5:26:21 PM): the last one was there, not trhu CR tho
j (5:26:30 PM): and this one is def not trhu CR either heh
fuzzycookie1 (5:26:33 PM): lol
fuzzycookie1 (5:26:38 PM): who's this one thro?
j (5:26:51 PM): another production company in town
j (5:26:58 PM): dunno name off hand
j (5:27:24 PM): n e ways, I have to be a goin', have a good nite!
fuzzycookie1 (5:27:32 PM): what r ur plans for tonight
j (5:27:49 PM): going to addriene's because my friend ramone is in town!
fuzzycookie1 (5:27:57 PM): oh cool!
j (5:27:57 PM): we having dinner, and then after that I dunno
j (5:28:00 PM): we shall c
fuzzycookie1 (5:28:01 PM): well
fuzzycookie1 (5:28:08 PM): we're throwing me a bday party
fuzzycookie1 (5:28:12 PM): u guys can come if u want, lol
j (5:28:21 PM): oo rly? tonite?
fuzzycookie1 (5:28:26 PM): yep yep
j (5:28:32 PM): good times :-D
fuzzycookie1 (5:28:34 PM): @ josh n gabby's, not sure what time, tho
j (5:28:35 PM): happy b-day agn
fuzzycookie1 (5:28:39 PM): hehe, thanx
j (5:28:42 PM): o ok
j (5:28:46 PM): not ur place
fuzzycookie1 (5:28:49 PM): i'll let u know just incase
fuzzycookie1 (5:28:50 PM): well
fuzzycookie1 (5:29:00 PM): it would be at my place except there's drama w/ my roomie :/
j (5:29:08 PM): ic :-\
j (5:29:14 PM): welp, let me kno, send me an im
fuzzycookie1 (5:29:19 PM): but gabby knows u n she said i can invite whoever i want, lol
j (5:29:19 PM): I will try to show for a bit, we shall c
fuzzycookie1 (5:29:37 PM): kk, i'll text u or something, lol
j (5:29:41 PM): all right
j (5:29:46 PM): welp I am off!
j (5:29:47 PM): cyas
fuzzycookie1 (5:29:48 PM): kk
fuzzycookie1 (5:29:49 PM): have fun!

fuzzycookie1 (5:29:50 PM): later!
j signed off at 5:29:58 PM.

now, i don't expect him to show up if we really get this party off the ground like we want to. but just the fact that he said he might even tho i don't think he will fills me with so much joy that i hate him for it, lol. so what i didn't get to ask him about laundary or if he's seen Squeakers blow himself? he said he might come to my party even for a little bit! he didn't totally snub it n say he was busy, he actually said he might! (n again, i don't actually expect him to, lol) but speaking of parties, i need to pee n get over there cuz i told Gabby i'd be there by 7:00pm n its 6:31pm as i type this now! sorry that i haven't gone thro my inbox, but i will! i hope ur all well! <3