breaking...

i've decided that i'm going to ignore some things until i'm too stoned/drunk to not wanna kill myself just thinkin about them, n that's how i am right now. i was supposed to see my therapist today n i cancelled AGAIN. tuesday i honestly couldn't go cuz i had to write that damn speech, but today there's only two things i have to talk about n the two together are so painful that i just wanna die. i've been livin in a fantasy world these past couple of days to cope n i know that's not healthy by any means, but its all i've got. n i know that when that fantasy falls apart its gonna be bad. real fuckin bad. worse than it is right now. i'm so depressed that its making me lazy to the point that i won't even do my dishes n from the way the sink looks Kim's been feelin the same way. its pretty disgusting. i'm so depressed n so pissed. why the fuck do i HAVE TO HAVE healthy coping methods? why the fuck do i have to cope with feeling like shit all the time? I shouldn't have to, i should just be happy. i should be able to be happy, but no, this shit happens n its all just bad. n on the 1st of those two things, people try to give me advice n i feel like shit when they do cuz they dun understand or i'm too scared to do what they're advising. No more advice on J. Please. n then i feel like shit cuz i know i'm still gonna feel depressed over it n wanna write about it n shit but fuck, FUCK! i am just not happy. i want to be happy. fuck.

 

oh, n btw, a pet peeve of mine: READ THE FUCKING TAGS ON MY ENTRIES!!!! ok, that's not directed towards everyone who reads my blog, but some of u HAVE NO IDEA WTF I'M TALKIN ABOUT CUZ U DUN READ THEM N THEN U SAY COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT THINGS N THEN I THINK UR A FUCKIN RETARD!!! if ur one of these people, u may often find urself blocked cuz i don't feel comfortable confronting individuals on such mediocre things that drive me crazy cuz one symptom of the PTSD is that i stress easily over small things as a defense mechanism to keep me from thinkin of the reason why i have PTSD. ok, i gotta do my laundry now...FUCK! i have so many errands to run n here i am stressin again...FUCK! i need a friend who lives close to me. even just havin someone around right now would mean the fuckin world...