ptsd
its sad because before i left for spring break, that thursday after i got all of the pictures from cyn, i was actually FEELING OK with the whole thing. i've been trying hard lately not to live with regrets, which is one of the reasons i got together w/ cyn n albert n stuck it out for the first week even tho i had doubts n kept thinking about ending things before they got too serious. n why should i regret what we had? the three of us had a lot of fun n had a lot of great times hanging out or having sex or whatever it was that we did. i mean, i'd always wanted to go down on a guy with another girl n we did that, i'd even just wanted to fool around with a girl n me n cyn did that. i had FUN n i enjoyed the relationship while it lasted. why should i regret something i enjoyed, even if i'm sad its gone? just looking at all the pictures i got from her of when the three of us were still together, it filled me with a sense of nostalgia. its over n that sux, but it was all good then.
then this shit with the cops started happening again. n my boss called me to make sure i was ok. n i'm sure that tomorrow all kinds of professors are gonna want to talk to me n make sure that i'm ok. n i'm sure that police officers will approach me while i'm on campus n want to talk to me. anna put it best when i called her n told her all of this a little bit ago: Be ready for anything. and its even more sad, because again today on the car ride up here with reanna i was feeling ok with things ok. so albert and i can't be romantically involved anymore. if i hold on for a few months i might be able to have him as a friend again. i might be able to trust him n talk to him n maybe we could hang out on the beach over the summer together when we need a moment to get away from bullshit like he used to offer to do, but i'd turn him down because i was nervous because i knew he liked me. it seems like just when i start feeling alright with this whole break up thing again, something else happens. n it sux, because i'm not lying when i say i'm ok. Anna told me that she thinx i'm handling the situation pretty well, which made me feel good. i'm not feeling suicidal or homicidal, but apparently the cops are hearing otherwise.
part of the reason why this hurts so bad is because i'm also wondering where were the cops when I needed them? where were they when i told them about daniel repeatedly raping me? weren't they supposed to go out n catch the bad guy? but oh yeah, that's right, he was under 18 so he couldn't have possibly understood the consequences of his actions against me, n even tho i told him no n even tho we'd sit n talk on AN HONEST TO GOD REGULAR BASIS about how much it hurt me n how i felt when he wouldn't stop, since he was under 18 he couldn't have possibly understood the emotional depth that i was talking about. THEY TOLD ME THIS! but some crazy bitch who's scared her husband is gonna leave her for me n some of their friends get together n say i'm gonna shoot someone n all of a sudden its time to do their fucking jobs. isn't part of ur job investigating how i'd get access to a gun if that was really an issue? do u not realize albert n some cousin who is a cop FOR THE SANTA CLARA POLICE DEPARTMENT that i haven't seen in YEARS (i think his name is carlos, i don't kno) are the only ppl i know who even own guns? n honestly, why the fuck would either of them give them to me seeing as how i don't know how to load, fire, or use them in anyway? but here i go getting upset again. the cops in santa clara wanted to take me to a sanitarium because i was getting upset when they were talking to me. no shit dumbfucks, don't u think this kind of thing would be upsetting to deal w/, too?
well cyn can try to fuck up my life all she wants, but after talking to anna n thinking a bit, i realize that i've lived thro worse. for example, the two years of being raped n lied to n treated like a piece of meat, and then the two years of lies, half truths, n information that was conveniently not told to me until the last minute by the santa clara police department, detectives, n even lawyers n parole officers. i talked about all of that shit w/ the law on here while it was happening my senior year of hs n my freshman year of college here at HSU. and i know deep down inside that i am stronger than this. i mean really, they don't feel like they've fucked up my life enough? get me into this relationship, get me to fall in love, dump me, lie to me, n lie to all of the ppl i once called friends to make me look like the bad guy? i seriously became a scapegoat for cyn n albert's relationship- suddently all of their problems were my fault because albert loved me n albert wouldn't stop talking to me, even tho if he really wanted to leave her, he would have done it already n him playing along w/ this shit shows that he doesn't love me. i even told him when i saw him a couple thursdays ago before i left for spring break that it really does not make logical sense for me to say that he doesn't care about me at all. obviously he cares a little or else he would not have seen me, even if it was just because he was only doing it to make me happy. but i don't care how scared he is to lose cyn, i don't kno how u could put anyone u say u love thro this kind of shit. n i know that when cyn or mara or morgan or whoever she's got spying on me reads this, they won't feel empathy, they'll just think i'm dumb n use it to fuel their fire. But i'm stronger than this ladies, n the fact that u feel the need to keep this shit up tells me that u haven't moved on either n ur not half as mature as u think u are. i still hope the rest of ur life is full of long n incredbly painful flare-ups, n i still hope that someday albert realizes he's better than some crazy bitch like u n he moves on to something better, just like he deserves.
