I spend much of my time this weekend thinking about everything. Saturday night shit really began to get to me because I started thinking about the fact that cyn n albert still have all their friends. They still have something now even tho everything is over, they still have friends to go to. I have nothing. I don’t even have albert anymore. Twice now I’ve gotten messages from morgan on myspace harassing me. Well actually, I haven’t read the second one yet. Part of that is because I didn’t want to deal w/ it when I saw it on Saturday, and the other reason is because the internet has been down at my place since yesterday. (yes, my dumbass is doing all this updating on campus) the first one, however, was about how I need to stop trying to split them up, which I wasn’t aware I was even doing in the first place, and all this shit about how obnoxious she always thought that I was. (which is why she’d call me n ask to hang out w/ me, right? Its kinda funny cuz originally when I met her I thought the same thing about her…) its to the point that everyone has heard so many lies about me that I don’t know if those relationships can ever be remedied. And what are cyn and albert doing to change that? Nothing probably. I’m sure that they both have too much pride to be like, “look y’all, apparently albert has been lying to the both of us about what the other has been doing, so some of the things I’ve told u aren’t true” or some shit like that. To be honest, the only reason why I really want to bother is because I feel the need to have friends. If I’m going to survive and make it another year here, then I need them. Then again, maybe I don’t. I suppose I could just play the sims all day in my room. Even if cyn and albert have proven to be shitty friends, its better than nothing, which is exactly what I have now. In a way its almost like the shit with gabby is happening again, too- I can’t trust them, just like how I couldn’t trust her. I’ve come to realize that the only reason I’m still holding on is because of a false hope, too. They’ll both come to their senses and things will work out and they’ll start treating me decently again and get my trust back and they’ll tell everyone that what they’d said about me before were lies and they’d work to remedy those relationships w/ me as much as they could seeing as how they’re the ones that fucked them up. I’m holding onto this false hope that the man I loved will come back to me, not even in terms of getting back together with me, but that I’ll see him again.

In a way this is another thing that’s reminding me of my ex. One of the things that kept me with him for so long was the fact that I’d see how nice and sweet and generous he was to other ppl, and he used to be that way with me when our relationship started. I held onto this false hope that he’d start treating me that way again someday, start treating me the way that I saw him treat everybody else, too, that he really did love me as much as he said he did and that he really did want to marry me and that that would motivate him to change back one day. Now, albert never said he wanted to marry me. It wasn’t something we ever talked about seriously. We’d say things like, “too bad that’s not legal, hahaha…” but it was always kind of a joke when we would. Its not like a real plan that we had. When cyn told us we had to break up, he told me and I’d always figured that we’d make it to graduation since we were all such good friends and then after that the relationship would probably have to end for some reason or another. Albert did, however, tell me many times that he loved me. Not only that, but one of the things we would talk about and one of the things I brought up when I saw him n cyn on Friday was how we both knew we loved each other, we knew that what he felt for the other person was love, but it was different from anything else we’d ever felt for anyone else. I loved albert and naturally my dumb ass still does for some stupid reason, but it was different than the love I had for Nam, and I loved him with all my heart, too. It was just something about our friendship, and he said that he felt the same way.

Saturday I also had to go into town to go to the bank and I needed to go to campus to work on homework. I had to do this on Saturday because there is no bus service on Sundays and because of my knee being fucked up, I didn’t really feel like walking. (oh yeah, that was another thing that fucked with me on Friday that I’ll expand a bit more on later, but I had a doctor’s appointment for my knee on Friday n I’d mentioned that to cyn and albert when I was talking to them. Part of me wanted to try to call albert and leave him a message telling him what happened, but I figured that if he really cared to know, he’d call. Of course I haven’t heard from him yet.)

On my way from the bank to campus, I had to walk past the Laundromat where cyn works. Not only that, but I knew that she was working there when I walked by. There’s a grocery store across the street from it on the same side of the street as the bank, and I ended up going in there to buy something, too, which I also hoped would lessen the chances of her seeing me. It hurt so bad not stopping by to say hi. It used to be that if I was in town and I was going thro there I would. I knew she was working when I went by there. Because of the bus schedule, I didn’t have much of a choice otherwise, not to mention the fact that my backpack was really heavy and that in combination w/ my knee made me really reluctant to try to take a more lengthy route. I don’t even know if she saw me, but I didn’t look across the street to find out. I didn’t want to know. I wondered if she saw me if she’d think I was there to try to see albert at work, but I had no interest in that. It was also slightly out of the way, and god knows what the fuck all of his coworkers have already heard about me n this whole fucked up situation. I wonder what cyn’s coworkers have all heard, too, cuz they used to see me there all the time. Sometimes I would just hang out there, even if I didn’t have laundry to do myself. I’m sure that they’ve asked about it, or someone has. It honestly in a way makes me scared to walk around town or campus cuz what if one of them sees me? I know I should care what others think, especially since its based on lies, but I’m so sick of this shit!