how weird

i saw a picture of raver jimmy on facebook a bit ago. not on perpose and not cuz i was looking for it. there's a new Oregon Trail application on there where u can "recruit" ppl from ur friend list and then they're in your wagon and one of the ppl on my friend list had him listed under her wagon. it was weird seeing a recent picture of him, almost in the same way its weird seeing a recent picture of an ex. i remember how jarring it was the first time i looked at Nam's myspace a couple years back to see what he looked like then after i hadn't seen him for 8 months. i haven't seen jimmy in seven months and the last time i saw a recent picture of him was a couple months ago. i still feel a lot of the anger and rage in me that i did now that i've seen that, but its not as strong. part of that may be because carly isn't listed as being in a relationship on facebook anymore. (yay for the stalker feed. if u have facebook, u know what i'm talking about.) this could mean they broke it up, or that she just simply took that information off of her profile. i'm not sure, i didn't really look.

it could also be, tho, cuz even tho i'm hurt and i'm angry and that fucking stupid boy, i know that when albert comes home in an hour or two from work i'm going to get to see him, i'm going to get to hold him close and tell him i love him. i'm going to get to spend time with him, a guy who treats me right, a guy that's honest with me. so far the only things he's really lied to me about were why he'd get shy around me when we used to get stoned together before he told me he liked me in september, and he lied about whether or not he's tried meth before. (apparently its been 3 times and i don't know when the last time he did it was, but it had to have been at least over a year ago, i know that) when the second one came out, i was really hurt and he could tell. he asked if i was mad and i said no, cuz i wasn't, i was just...hurt. really really hurt. disappointed i guess, too, cuz he hasn't told cyn but he thinks she knows cuz the guy he did it with all three times would talk about it around them sometimes. it was so hard for me not to cry, and all i could say was, "i want to trust you, i really want to trust you." he knows about my experiences with meth, that much he does know about my ex and his fucked up family, and i just told him that if he kept something like that from me again and i found out, that may whatever god the prays to help him. i told him that i'm the type of person that likes to know shit when it happens- not this, "oh i told u a year later cuz i thought u wouldn't be as upset" bullshit, WHEN IT HAPPENS! i told him that if he tried to pull that shit with me i'd still be pissed and in not so many words that if he did that he probably wouldn't come out of the conversation looking as pretty as he did coming into it. i'm tired of men lying to me and keeping things from me and jimmy is just another one of those fucking guys, another one that fucked up and only further enforced this idea in my mind that men can not be trusted.

i feel so bad for albert because i really can't trust him with all my heart, but at least i've made enough progress that i'm not constantly suspicious of him either. he's honest to me about when he smokes cigarettes. he's honest to me about his feelings, thoughts, everything else. if i ask him, he'll tell me. with somethings, like smoking, i wish i didn't have to ask him and he'd just tell me, but i can't let myself freak out over things like that anymore and so far i'm not and i'm so fucking proud of myself for that, too, even tho i'm still scared and i'm still waiting for the moment when i open myself up too much and he hurts me and i just freak out.

blah, this was supposed to be a short entry and i've found myself ranting again. anyway, i was still really happy to see that carly wasn't listed as in a relationship anymore as facebook told me, but seeing a picture of jimmy again...i mean, i don't feel all that hate and dispare wallowing up in myself like i used to, but that might also have to do with some stuff carly told me...i know i haven't posted about that yet, n i would now if this entry wasn't already so fucking long. i need to get back into writing short ones again, haha.

but yeah, i'm gonna go nap a bit until albert comes home. hopefully i'll feel better then. writing this entry has made me feel slightly emotional now.