hello everyone, i just thought i would stop by and say hi. i still don't have internet at my place and i'm not sure when i'm going to. i still haven't been able to get a job and i'm in desperate need of one. i have very little money left n i still need to feed myself, pay rent/bills and so on. Carl's Jr. hired someone else, my schedule doesn't work w/ Motel 6, i haven't heard n e thing from APD and i was gonna call Daybreak Cafe today. all the other places i saw in town that are hiring are also hiring for shifts that are when i have class. i was gonna look in the newspaper when i got home today n i'm still planning on going to the career center when it opens again.
other than that ive still had a lot of thoughts on my mind. i don't know why these memories have been coming back to me like this so strongly recently. maybe its a sign? maybe its just another piece of the healing process. i don't know and i deffinately don't understand it. its strange because even tho its been almost two years i'm still used to having a guy around that i can talk to about these things, someone to hold me and love me even tho all these things are wrong with me and when i get like this i want that again so badly, i want that again so fucking badly. is that what i need? probably not. but what we need and what we want is not always the same thing, and at times its difficult to say which is better...or maybe that's not true n i'm just telling myself that to make myself feel better, to justify these wants. Its times like this i wish i could cut that piece of my heart that loves out. i just realized that it was 4 years ago today i lost my virginity. some say it was rape, some say not, i don't know.
...n i saw a new pic of jimmy today. u'd think that its been a while now n i'd be ok, but no, seeing it just reminded me of how much of a fucker and a liar and a cold-hearted bastard he is n just...FUCK! GAH!! I WANNA BREAK IS FUCKING FACE SO FUCKING BAD, MAKE HIM HURT THE WAY HE'S FUCKING MADE ME HURT!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!! i wish i could let go, i wish i could let go of all my hate and all my anger and just LEARN, but no, i have to hold onto these things cuz its the only way that i can. at the same time i know that all this anger is the only thing that's kept me alive, but i still wonder if its really fucking worth it. is it really worth it to hurt so badly all the time, to see someone doing what they said they'd let u do with them and remembering how they went back on their word n remembering that they're such a fucking pussy that they didn't even fucking tell u or try to talk to u n just GAH!!!! ITS MEN!!! FUCK MEN FUCK MEN!!!! i honestly just don't know what to do. its not men its LIFE!!! ITS LIFE IS FUCKING LIFE!!!! but what can i do? what can i do other than kill myself? i still wonder why i don't want to do it. sometimes i think about it but sometimes its that fucking dumbshit in me that keeps me hoping, and that hope, the one that's going to blow up in my face and leave me devistated and wishing for death is the only other thing that keeps me alive.
boys
