sometimes...

...things happen that remind me of things from the past. you know. those things. the my ex boyfriend repeatedly raping me things. i remember how when the court case was happening, how openly i wrote about it and how i was able to talk about it and the pain i was feeling and relate it to other ppl in the mindsay community. then after posting about my strongest hour i found out that most of mindsay thought i was full of shit n had nothing but malicious things to say to me about it. you'd think that wouldn't be a big deal. they're just internet ppl. they're just a bunch of adults acting like stupid kids n if they want to buy into some hypocrit brat's stupid bullshit i shouldn't care, right? but no. wrong. dead fucking wrong. mindsay was my safe place. it was my safe place to talk about these things and vent them out. it was a way to reach out to other users, hear other stories, and through sharing our pain it helped me deal better with my own. but no, one day all that was fucking taken away from me by some stupid cunt that obviously needs attention so god damned badly that she feels the need to do nothing but cause controversy n in doing so, she took my safe place away. and none of those people involved EVEN FUCKING CARE that they did that to somebody! why would they i guess if they don't believe me, right? but what about the fucking possibility that its TRUE! i mean, fuck, at least once i came accross another user on here that said someone did some shit to her n the more i listened the less and less i believed a god damned word of it. But did i say that? NO! because u never ever do that n there's always the fucking possibility that its true! but none of those heartless bastards give a fuck about what they've done to me. and i hope they're all FUCKING HAPPY NOW that i'm finally admitting how much their words hurt, that i felt violated and humiliated again but in a whole new fucking way i'd never imagined would happen. even now i still couldn't open up as much as i wanted to on another blogger's page. i couldn't even say what he did to me. i just said that i put up w/ his abuse for about 3 years. (sure, the sexual abuse only lasted two years n 3 months, but the mental n emotional abuse didn't and it didn't get any better after the cops found out n all of that shit happened.) i couldn't even say what he'd RAPED ME REPEATEDLY. and what i really don't understand is why i could then run over to here and post about it here on my page. its like a piece of me still hopes that this is safe, that i can still say those words here n its not really me saying them and no one really is going to read them. i can't say the "r" word in most situations n even when people reply to these kind of entries on here i still don't like seeing that word. I see that word n i fucking lose it inside. I read Stephen King's The Green Mile this past week n that word comes up a lot in that book, over n over. My mom took me to see the movie when it first came out, but i was in middle school then. that was before everything had happened, before i'd even met my ex. it didn't get to me then, what he did to those little girls, n if i'd read the book back then it wouldn't have gotten to me, either. All i had then was the memories of what my dad did to me, but the occasional incestuous grope from him was nothing, NOTHING compaired to the violation and humiliation my ex put me thro. fuck, looking at the time i realize that i need to get going. i need to finish packing before we leave, n if you'll excuse me i need to chug down some water because this whole time i've felt like I was choking on a spikey frog because i don't want my parents to see that i've been crying when they finally get home any second now. sorry.