lol...

...j's ex shea says he sux in bed :P no, i haven't told her that he is/was or whatever my fuck buddy, but if he hadn't seen me last tuesday night i probably would have. i was thinking about it earlier that day, too, but that damn boy has to be full of surprises. its funny because she's also talked about how he's gotten really moody n after reading about this more its begun to make a lot of sense. its seems to explain why he is so full of surprises. its funny, tho, cuz she also said that sex with him had gotten boring really fast n that was something i'd thought about, too- perhaps i became slightly spoiled getting to share a bed or park bench or shower or wall with him (yes, i'm aware i have not talked about the latter two, but the wall was HOT!- i'd always wanted to get fucked up against a wall n after he entered me he pulled me away n then just held me, my legs wrapped around him n he was standing up! i didnt cum cuz there wasn't enough pressure, but that was still probably the hottest sex i've ever had), but when he leaned over n started kissing me in his car a week ago i couldn't help but feel slightly bored. the whole thing just seemed so cliche, so old. i considered asking him if he wanted to sneak into my house n spend the night with me, but i figured he'd say no. if he didn't wanna do it when my roomie was home, there's no way he'd wanna do it when my family was! especially cuz he's met/seen them before, lol. i guess that's another reason why i'd felt so distracted while i was laying there under him, another reason why the whole thing seemed so fake- that n a small part of me hates the bastard a little more everyday n he had only recently told me that he doesn't like hanging out with me n that he's not sure why he ignores my messages. he'd also said having sex w/ me didn't make him happy n e more- what changed his mind i wonder?

 

n e way, life other than that is going ok i guess. i spent the weekend in berekely w/ reanna n her friend/roomie Alia. that was kinda nice, but not as super spectacular as i'd hoped it would be. i'm getting a little tired of reanna's crap, but we'll see how the rest of that goes. i know i need to elaborate on that, but i've found that only going online at night makes me not depressed thro out the whole day cuz then i just spend my time reading, lol. i finished Harry Potter 5 today n i'm about a third of the way into Harry Potter 6. if i can keep this pace up then i'm going to finish my summer reading goals n maybe then some! (yeah, my ambitios side, oo) i've started working on my resume, n its not that its hard, its just tedious. i know, the more i slack on it, the more potential work and therefore money i'm losing. its just hard to be motivated when ur depressed, u know?

 

other than that, i really need to get tested for chlamydia again, cuz yesterday i had some break thro bleeding. for those of u who don't know, that's when a girl bleeds when she's not on her period. it may have occured because i missed two pills over the weekend while i was in berekely, but i've been on this pill for nearly four years n i haven't had break thro bleeding since the second month after i started the pill. even when i missed five pills in October because my new ones came late i didn't have n e bleeding. break thro bleeding is a symptom of chlamydia, tho. it was weird, too, cuz i'd had some small pains in my uterus on sunday but it wasn't much, n then monday i felt like my period is starting but its not supposed to for another two weeks. sure enough, tho, when i went to the bathroom there was some dead blood n i bled for the rest of the day. i'm fine now, but i deffinately need to get tested again. my list of things to do keeps growing despite my demotivating depression.

• call kaiser to see if i can make an immediate appointment to get tested again
• see if pop-eyes has more applications
• call vinni for my quiznos job (slits wrists)
• deposit WPA reimbersment check in the bank
• finish resume
• continue hunt for temp work
• persuade parents to take out a loan so i can go to summer school
• burry Hermie

there's a hold on my account until i pay it n surprise surprise, no word from phoenix. n i know that if i hear from him its gonna be the same old crap about how im too fat even tho i KNOW there's a market for girls w/ my body n before i turned 18 he even told me that. he's deffinately blown it; i wish there was some way i could hold some sort of power over his head...especially w/o being afraid...oh well i guess, huh?

 

i guess that's all i wish to write about now that i'm thouroughly depressed n stressed out again. oh yeah, n i'm a pig. *oink oink*