hey, you are in no way making a big deal about this.  he shouldn't have done that and gabby shouldn't have laughed.  none of them should have laughed.  regardless of what you've been through, he shouldn't have done that.  and then given your circumstances, i'm fairly certain i would have reacted the same way.  you know that ignoring it and sweeping it under the rug won't make it go away, but sometimes we need to do that in order to get through the moment.  you don't have to face it all 24/7.  it's ok and even good to give your mind and heart a brake for a bit.  you know how strong you are, how beautiful you are.  you will keep going because that's what you've always done. 

 

*all the hugs in the world*

 

i'm here if you ever want to talk..........

hehe, u made me cry i don't want to get started with gabby because i know she is naive, n like the next day she called me n started joking about it n i was like, "I don't want to talk about that." She was like, "Oh..." n i was like, "Seriously gabby, i don't want to talk about that." n she said she didn't think it would be a big deal n i started crying n it was embarassing because i had to hide it cuz i was in the library n i just wanted to let loose n scream. No matter how hard i try to explain things to her she just doesn't get it and it really hurts me. I don't know what else to do because she's very sweet n loving, but i've talked about this with her so many times. I mean, i went over to her place a couple weekends ago n they started watching Law & Order, n even tho it was an episode i'd never seen before i knew exactly where it was going n i went outside by myself. That was super embarassing too cuz i thought everyone in the room would assume that i went outside because i couldn't handle it n i thought they'd all know, n all throught the night i kept saying things like, "Guys, i REALLY don't want to watch Law & Order!" That one i didn't think was as obvious because i knew of a party n i figured they'd all assume i just wanted to go to the party, but the first one really scared me, especially because i sighed before i went out there, n i don't smoke cigarettes n everyone knows that. I was talking to Gabby about it later n she said she thought I was checking to see if her neighbors were outside, n i told her that if n e one asks that's why i was out there, but that's not why i was really out there. I just wanted to get away and I started triggering n it was bad. (this was about a week n a half after that whole thing, not to mention while i was in town i saw him earlier in the day n he tried to make conversation w/ me n i was pretty rude to him. I still feel like such a coward for not ripping the fucker a new one.)

 

n then sunday me, her, n josh were @ applebee's n she made some stupid joke about calling the cops cuz josh (her bf) was trying to rape her, n i just looked away when she said that. I don't think she could even tell how much hearing her say that hurt me after i've explained to her so many times that i can't handle shit like that. I don't know what else to do. I wanted to cry n it hurt so bad, but i just sucked it up. I don't even see the point in talking to her about it because i already have so many times and it still hasn't gotten thro. i know these things won't just go away n even tho Ramses doesn't know he still shouldn't have done that n he's lucky i didn't tell some other ppl about it cuz i know some ppl up here that might kick his ass if i do. my asian philosophy professor gave us this analogy about something completely different but i thought it applied to this situation, too. When abused animals, like dogs, are adopted from shelters, they tend to be kind of timid. You can adopt a dog, love the dog, and never do n e harm to the dog. But if you let your anger get the best of you and u give the dog a little smack, this dog will cower from you whenever you're near it for a very, very, VERY long time if not forever because its been conditioned that when those things happen they will happen again, and now its waiting for the time that you smack it again because it thinks that's just the way the world is and that people are always there to hurt you. PTSD works very the same way as it does for the shelter dog, but for me its not being physically hit that i'm afraid of.

 

i'm sorry for kinda going off there...i think i'm just gonna post this as my next entry cuz it says pretty much everything that i wanted to say about all of this. I've deffinately been trying to ignore all of this today, but i'm feeling really depressed now cuz i got a kinda kick in the head earlier n i don't know what to do with myself now.

hey, it's cool that you got it all down.  whether it be in a reply or it's own entry, it doesn't matter.  i had a rough week last week myself.  it was my school's spring break so i was home and saw him a few times.  the worst was when he called the house (something he's never supposed to do anymore).  i thought it was my brother because of the phone number but when i picked it up, it was him with his new cell phone number.  he started talking to me like nothing was wrong and despite my best efforts to be an asshole to him, he still didn't get it.  at the end of the conversation he told me he loved me.  that just sent me over the edge.  i didn't know what else to do so i just hung up the phone and locked myself in the bathroom.  luckily i was home alone at the time.  i wish i had told him to fuck off or at least yell at him, but i just froze.  and i guess that's fine too.  i survived the situation, just like you survived talking to your ex.  and you survived all those dumbassess. 

 

btw, that's a great analogy and it's pretty accurate with how i react as well.  thank you!

np. hearing the analogy made me feel a lot better because i know that its one a lot more people can relate to. but i remember when my ex used to tell me he loved me after some of the horrible things that he did and its such fucking bullshit to fuck with someone that way. i know he doesn't mean it n he just wanted to say it to try to coax me into crawling back to him but i wasn't gonna fall for it for a fucking second. i know what its like to wish that u went off and how frustrating it is when u freeze. I guess for me its kind of a way of sweeping it under the rug, like if i don't face the situation that somehow makes me have to deal with it less? i don't know if that makes n e sense, but yeah, i guess that's the best way i can think of explaining it.

believe me hun, i totally get it.

kk

Any time that something is done and it makes you feel violated..... It is a big deal!!!  Some times people dont think at times... and that sucks.  I hope that talking to your therapist helped!
**hugs**

thank you so much. Talking to my therapist absolutely helped me (i can kinda talk about this now!) and i'm glad that you understand. that makes me feel a lot better n i guess part of the reason why i didn't think n e one else would think it was a big deal is in the entry that i'm gonna post in a second. (i wrote a very long reply on here before this one that i think explains everything pretty well in terms of what's been going on with all of this with me lately)

There may be no god but there is such a thing as karma and it will catch up with your ex. If someone gropes you without permission feel free to slap them hard, they deserve it. I realize that doesn't help the triggering issue, but it might at least make sure they don't do it again. I wish you had better friends. Honestly from a lot of things I've read here they don't seem to take a lot of things (or life in genreal) very serious. But I guess that's what being young is all about. I'm glad your therapist was able to help a little at least. I hope you're doing better.

you're right, the bulk of them don't take things very seriously and its incredibly frustrating, but some of them do and i've been getting closer to them recently. (i haven't had a chance to update about that, tho) also one reason why i'm scared to react by slapping him or going off on him or whatever is because i'm afraid that then the ppl that don't know about this shit are going to know. i know that sounds crazy and stupid but its a real fear that i have. and the karma thing i don't know about. the best i can do is try to forget about the whole thing all together.