Sometimes I’ll have a good day where I’m not sad at all, but most days I’m just depressed about being alive. I don’t want to leave the people I love, but it’s just so hard to want to live when I hate myself. I wish there were people I could trust with all of this stuff, unfortunately I can only trust myself. I don’t want people to think that I’m just seeking attention, or something along those lines. Other people just don’t know how to handle things like this. I really wish I could be blissfully happy like I was last year with the kids. It was the greatest feeling in the world. It’s like when I’m playing in a band or at a concert. Life just isn’t happening at those moments. I’m off in a world of amazement and joy. I only wish every day were as good as those few precious moments. I hate being all Emo and stuff, it makes me feel retarded. I’m tired of crying over things that are stupid, and I’m sick of being walked all over. I hate work sometimes, but some of the people are great. I really want to quit and do I don’t know what. I want a guy that’s not just interested in sex, and I don’t want to push him away like every other guy. That’s why I’m so alone, I never let people get close enough to hurt me because I’ve been hurt one to many times. I’m afraid they will leave or treat me different if they see the real me. That’s another reason I don’t let friends know me. Life sucks. Every day is the same thing. I’m dying to let the world know, but to afraid to say anything. Fake smiles and laughs have become a regular in my day. Some can be genuine but there are very few. I miss Sam a great deal, and I wish I could tell him all this too. He would just tell me something about God and how if I just stick with him everything will be okay. Not that I don’t believe and everything, but it won’t heal the hurt that I’ve already caused. I still have to urge to hurt myself, but I don’t. I also have the urge to not eat, but I do. I want to cry every second of the day, or yell at people, but I contain myself. The world will never get to know the real me, but if and when they do it will probably be when I’m dead. I’m trapped in my own little world of tears and hate. I’ll probably crack one day and end up going insane. It’ll happen and I’ll laugh a little. I want to feel love, and not the family kind. I want to be secure with myself and looks. I want to share myself with someone and have no regrets. I WANT TO BE FREE! FREE OF PAIN, FREE OF SELF HATE, FREE OF TEARS, AND FREE OF HURT. I WANT TO BE FREE OF MYSELF! Death will be the only way, but not today. Just one more day to see if I can work life out, to see if there is someone I feel I can trust. Always just one more day.

I make great writings when I’m journaling about being depressed. Hmmm… I wonder what a love one would be like?

That's all...

~Brittany