So I'm sitting here at the airport in San Jose waiting for my flight to Burbank. I fucked up and showed up way early. I thought my flight was at 12:30pm instead it really is at 1:30 oh well I'm a dork like that. Actually an idiot. HAHAHAHa i hate being so fucking flighty. Anyway whatever right better early than late. So, im at my computer watching people go by, their lives...i'd pick anyone, anyone and rather be them than me. The girl in the pink tank with blond hair with her two friends looks happy. Maybe i could have been her. Or the guy getting his wallet out of his back pocket about to order at CPK, maybe I could have been him. Or the lil girl running back and forth behind me, she sounds like shes having fun. Her lafter gives me hope. That not all is lost. Not yet. My heart still beats, it is weak and feeble, but it still beats. Like the pain gives it life to sustain, to keep from dying. Isnt that interesting? Pain keeps me alive. Because I think that if, (my heart, not my body at least I pray to God everyday to give me the strength to live, anyway different story) if I died with my whole life being pain, it would have been so inconsequential and pointless. And life has to have point or we'd all be dead. I think the pain keeps me alive to show me that something good has to be coming, no not good, great.
What do you do when your life is one big broken promise? How do you move? Do you continue to hope? Do you continue to believe? that something good can happen. God, Im tired, and I dont know how much longer I can go on. How much more dissapointment, How much more pain, how much more life, can I take? (*interesting that was supposed to be "i can take" but to as how much more can I take???, truly only the Other can know, where is my breaking point? I feel so many times that i have reached it, but i keep on living. so what is a breaking point? do we break and rebuild? or do break and die?) I am stretched so thin. I crack, I crumble, I turn to dust, under your breath God.
Today, I sit at the airport in San Jose, waiting to go to Burbank. I am sitting here alone. I was supposed to be sitting here in someone's arms heading east. So far east. Moving my life, my entire life to a new place, towards a home, his home. But he broke his promise. He didnt ever explain why? Actually just stopped talking to me. And my heart is broken and cold and no one is here to hold me as I sit here crying over noone. Because thats what he turned out to be. Another person to break, to abandon, a nobody. I wont even remeber him one day. Not even a memory. Because he's already been absent from my dreams for such a long time.
My dreams. I dont remember them anymore. They used to be so vivid. It was a fantasy land where to dwell was greater than reality, however, my dreams no longer offer escape. They suck just as much as my reality. I want to run....................... .jump ...............off.............and fly...........fuck gravity!!!
