Retreated in the past

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bahamat

Tags:

past

complex

I was thinking earlier when thinking about the past, maybe I try hard to overcompensate for some sort of deep down inferiority complex - I do things that are designed to subliminally boost me - I reassure myself, I tell others what I want to hear myself, I listen to music where I wish it was directed at me.

I mentioned the theory to my dad, and said how I am amazed by the wisdom and abilities of youngsters today compared to what I was like, to which he kinda launched into an attack on me - along the lines of "you were normal until you reached the middle of school when the your friends started to push you around, then you went drastically into retreat in life".

After some soulsearching I admit deep down I am frightened of life, which is causing me problems - but is it any wonder? If I do have an inferiority complex deep down it's not helping if my dad views me as inferior himself and psychologically attacks me, but maybe that's the only way he knows. On many other levels though we get on well and things are much better. He always claims that we make him proud, but I know really he secretly looks down on me for being quiet, he much prefers the company of loud people and it's obvious by the people he favours and his happiness around them and my sister (who is outgoing) - me on the contrary always have to defend myself. Feeling sad, or at least showing it is considered a bad thing, and gains no sympathy.

Nevertheless, realising that bit of my past might've unlocked something, regressing to it made me a frightened child again, for awhile, so that I'd realise, but I think I've overcome something deep down, at least a little. Hopefully my bravery when facing the world will be more genuine and less superficial, and will let me do more, and I think If I can start driving, get a decent job, and maybe even start dating, I'd have proven the world wrong about me, I'd have proven my capability to myself, and I'd be totally released from my fear, hopefully. I've achieved some goals already making progress to that end (getting a crappy job as a start, getting the degree, and something I'd rather not go into ;) )

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FeelnUninspired on

Re: Retreated in the past

Well, one thing is your dad sounds sort of like my own father. He never encouraged me then, more always put me down my entire life then complains about how my life is going.

Well, he use to anyway..

I have proven him wrong, I now own a house, all by myself, I have lots and I can do anything I want. He was suprised when I built a bed for one of my kids myself, saying like "when did you learn how to do that?" 25 years ago, when you where too busy putting me down to get to know me, that is when.

I hope you start to live for yourself, I don't know you all that well but I can tell a few things, one is you are a good person, caring and thoughtful. Another is that you seem scared to live, I am now sure why, scared of being hurt or maybe scared of letting other people down? I know life can be scary, life can be painful but to really be happy with what you have you have to experiance as much of life as you can.

You don't want to be laying on your deathbed someday wondering about all the things you didn't do, but always wanted to to, do you?

I think you should do all the things you said you could/should do, drive, get a better job and start dating, there is risk, but I think it will be worth it.

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bahamat on

Re: Retreated in the past:

power to you for proving yourself!

Thankyou - I think I should be safe from regret hopefully, because I hope I can do some of these things in an afterlife if there is one, but if not, it doesn't need to matter anyway - especially if I was dying, I'd be dead anyway, so it wouldn't matter. The time between then and now though, I suppose, might as well be nice if it can be, but if not, I take some comfort in the fact that time goes forward and it won't be forever - although on the other hand, the time I have I can do something with maybe.

I might do, driving first though