time
I wish everyone could love everyone else, I just do not ever seeing it happening. humans by large pair up and...at least sometimes, the two of them spend the rest of their lives together. It is just the human way, generally of course. There are always exceptions. Some of us are so emotional, it would be hard to watch someone we love with another person. It seems some of us will always end up hurt, everyone can't love everyone else..it is just not the way the world works.
About yourself, nothing wrong with believing in yourself. Seems to me that you survived some major event in your life alone, and that is what made you who you are, someone who does not want or need other people to make you feel better. I wish I could be like that, I have always wished for someone there for me, to lean on. That is who I am though, and yes, the problem is you can not control others and that leaves one open to hurt and pain, but for me, I know of no other way.
I don't know if most people even look at themselves. To me anyway, it seems like most people just live their life and who are who they are..and don't think about it much. I do not think mean and cold people worry much about self improvement. They just think they are the shit and can treat other in any manor they see fit, because no one else matters. While we try to figure out who they are and why they are like that..we waste our time, because they just don't give a shit about you or me..it is just about them.
AND, yeah I would say two u-turns do make a circle.
(sorry this gets long but plz read 
)
Yep - this world won't be ready so long as there's always new people coming in... I think people pair up because they want the undivided attention of that person and also to avoid fear of losing them - if everyone loved everyone they might end up closer to someone else... but if that system was completely in force love would be easier to find. Some people could go their entire lives before realising what was out there...
I'm not invincible really though even if I tell myself I am - I have weaknesses inside that I don't show because I was brought up to believe it was bad to show them - esp my dad (and people at college) didn't have sympathy when people were upset because to hear negative feelings offended their ears - and they didn't want to deal with it... infact them at college even suggested I took myself out of the picture for their selfish gain - like there was a story of someone taking themselves out in an exam, and the students got sympathy marks, in addition to getting rid of issues within the person they created that they didn't want to face.
The reason I was sad at uni was that I was desperately lonely, I know that I was never meant to be alone... and I had nobody once I left home to live on campus and my cat died - before then I was fine because I got love from her... but I had to learn to live without. A few brutal knockbacks when I tried to date (due to malicious people/people with a wrong perception knocking my confidence to ask) - and nothing but pressure from home at the time meant I had to accept that I faced a life alone, because I seriously believed it, that was the major event, and I had no support other than some words that came into my head (my angel?) when I was perilously close to the edge like you were, in my case it was just in my head, and it was "just survive and you'll be considered a success" - and other things more vaguly - I still loved my family and at one point that intervened again strongly - despite the problems they caused me, they were my reason for living at that time.
Then with time I vowed to never let anyone face that again, which gave me a purpose. I had been beaten so far back in feeling able to express negative feelings that I wanted to make sure other people would have someone who listened and understood - that's why I encouraged you to... but then I kinda went the other way because I was starting to worry you were relying on expression, and that maybe it was causing you problems to keep having it pass through your mind when you say it...
But still, I do want someone, I will always have this nagging loneliness inside me, even though I don't show it, and even though it's not near as severe as it used to be... because I've learned to adapt. I tell you this because I need you to know I'm human too, and we can't hope to become truely invincible... we might feel like it sometimes or tell ourselves we are, and may well adapt to get stronger, and have more positive outlooks, but we will always have the same emotional set, so we just gotta learn to deal with it. You are totally true that it's made me who I am!
In relation to not being able to control others - true that we can't, I know the distress from not being able to make the other end realise something, but if they did they would no doubt do what you needed of their own choice because they'd appreciate the scale of what you felt. We can't make them feel what we do, so they have no way of knowing whether it really is intense feelings or whether it's just the degree we express them (some do more than others) - also they might sometimes think there's an issue that needs to be dealt with through other ways that might seem strange - such as in going cold turkey makes you less addicted kinda thing... Their situation might also be more complex than first thought.
You're right too, in that I also don't think many people look at themselves - esp bad people. If someone did look at themselves a lot, they couldn't stay bad for long - as soon as they find something bad they'd root it out - look at rainbows - always accusing herself but a good person because there's not much left to criticise... My fear was that if I believe in myself too much, I might stop looking at myself too much, and I might deteriorate into something bad... I might not lose knowledge/experience but I might end up doing un-thoughtful things without that check. People who don't care about others tend not to be lonely... partly because they surround themselves anyway but I think more so because they don't care, so having someone admire them wouldn't mean much... y'know how bad guys aren't starved of admiration, so they're unlikely to appreiciate it...
If I try to figure out a bad person though... it's not expecting anything back - I know they wouldn't give a shit and I know they don't even want to... but I also know they'd hurt innocent people if left unchecked, and I know how if they did realise stuff, then they might change into something better, then they might appreciate... It is always a big task, and always a major achievement if it can be done. Think of how many people they will affect throughout their lives - nearly all of them would benefit indirectly if you can show them a new way.
Hope you're doing ok too
) Yep - this world won't be ready so long as there's always new people coming in... I think people pair up because they want the undivided attention of that person and also to avoid fear of losing them - if everyone loved everyone they might end up closer to someone else... but if that system was completely in force love would be easier to find. Some people could go their entire lives before realising what was out there...
I'm not invincible really though even if I tell myself I am - I have weaknesses inside that I don't show because I was brought up to believe it was bad to show them - esp my dad (and people at college) didn't have sympathy when people were upset because to hear negative feelings offended their ears - and they didn't want to deal with it... infact them at college even suggested I took myself out of the picture for their selfish gain - like there was a story of someone taking themselves out in an exam, and the students got sympathy marks, in addition to getting rid of issues within the person they created that they didn't want to face.
The reason I was sad at uni was that I was desperately lonely, I know that I was never meant to be alone... and I had nobody once I left home to live on campus and my cat died - before then I was fine because I got love from her... but I had to learn to live without. A few brutal knockbacks when I tried to date (due to malicious people/people with a wrong perception knocking my confidence to ask) - and nothing but pressure from home at the time meant I had to accept that I faced a life alone, because I seriously believed it, that was the major event, and I had no support other than some words that came into my head (my angel?) when I was perilously close to the edge like you were, in my case it was just in my head, and it was "just survive and you'll be considered a success" - and other things more vaguly - I still loved my family and at one point that intervened again strongly - despite the problems they caused me, they were my reason for living at that time.
Then with time I vowed to never let anyone face that again, which gave me a purpose. I had been beaten so far back in feeling able to express negative feelings that I wanted to make sure other people would have someone who listened and understood - that's why I encouraged you to... but then I kinda went the other way because I was starting to worry you were relying on expression, and that maybe it was causing you problems to keep having it pass through your mind when you say it...
But still, I do want someone, I will always have this nagging loneliness inside me, even though I don't show it, and even though it's not near as severe as it used to be... because I've learned to adapt. I tell you this because I need you to know I'm human too, and we can't hope to become truely invincible... we might feel like it sometimes or tell ourselves we are, and may well adapt to get stronger, and have more positive outlooks, but we will always have the same emotional set, so we just gotta learn to deal with it. You are totally true that it's made me who I am!
In relation to not being able to control others - true that we can't, I know the distress from not being able to make the other end realise something, but if they did they would no doubt do what you needed of their own choice because they'd appreciate the scale of what you felt. We can't make them feel what we do, so they have no way of knowing whether it really is intense feelings or whether it's just the degree we express them (some do more than others) - also they might sometimes think there's an issue that needs to be dealt with through other ways that might seem strange - such as in going cold turkey makes you less addicted kinda thing... Their situation might also be more complex than first thought.
You're right too, in that I also don't think many people look at themselves - esp bad people. If someone did look at themselves a lot, they couldn't stay bad for long - as soon as they find something bad they'd root it out - look at rainbows - always accusing herself but a good person because there's not much left to criticise... My fear was that if I believe in myself too much, I might stop looking at myself too much, and I might deteriorate into something bad... I might not lose knowledge/experience but I might end up doing un-thoughtful things without that check. People who don't care about others tend not to be lonely... partly because they surround themselves anyway but I think more so because they don't care, so having someone admire them wouldn't mean much... y'know how bad guys aren't starved of admiration, so they're unlikely to appreiciate it...
If I try to figure out a bad person though... it's not expecting anything back - I know they wouldn't give a shit and I know they don't even want to... but I also know they'd hurt innocent people if left unchecked, and I know how if they did realise stuff, then they might change into something better, then they might appreciate... It is always a big task, and always a major achievement if it can be done. Think of how many people they will affect throughout their lives - nearly all of them would benefit indirectly if you can show them a new way.
Hope you're doing ok too
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