Tonight marks the start of the Yahrtzeit, or the Hebrew date anniversary of, Shiny Mom's death.  It's still been a difficult thing at times for Shiny and us to still deal with.  Last week was particularly tough for Shiny, as it was the English calendar date anniversary.

While the two of us have been discussing it, we haven't really discussed the anniversary with Av.  This morning in the car he randomly asked me about Savta (Hebrew for grandmother).  Why did she die, why did her body stop working, where is she now, will she come back, and that he misses her very much and he's sad that Abba is sad.  I answered his questions with the same answers I've been giving him for the past two years.  Because her whole body stopped working and even though the doctors tried really hard, they couldn't get it to work again.  She is buried in the ground in the cemetary, but we will always have her in our heads and our hearts.  She's not coming back.  I miss her too, and you can give Abba a big huge hug when he gets home tonight and let him know that you miss her too.

Then I asked him what he remembers about Savta.  And for the first time he replied "Nothing."  He said that he didn't remember her.  So I told him about all the things that they used to do together - playing on the computer, putting together puzzles, how he thought it was silly that she knew all the words to "Bippity-boppity-boo" and would always sing it when they watched "Cinderella" together.  That she made a very special Passover just for him.  And she loved him very very much.  I also told him that tonight we would be lighting a special candle to remember her by, and we'll do that together as a family. 

I then mentioned the pictures of her that we have hanging in his room (one was taken at our wedding and is of our two moms together) and then he went off on a tangent about what they are wearing in the picture (Why did you tell them that they could wear black to your wedding?) and then kept going on a tangent just about my mom and going to visit her before he got distracted by shiny objects (fire station).

It makes me sad to think that the only memories he will have of her will be acquired memories from what we have and will tell him about her.  I debated whether or not to even mention this to Shiny when we all got home this evening, because I didn't want to add to whatever he was already feeling.

In a seemingly random tangent...

This afternoon I had to go to "Ladytown" as Shiny calls it (aka - the Woman doctor) for my annual exam.  She wants to run some extra tests to check somethings out.  Fine.  (For the record, I'm not super worried that it will be anything serious.)

Early in our marriage I was having issues which we would later turn out to be diagnosed as a totally innocuous every day thing.  But initially my doctor wasn't sure what it was.  One possible diagonsis was PID (Pelvic Inflammatory Disease) which while commonly associated with an STD, can also be caused by other things as well.  Feeling quite unwell, I bowed out of a big family dinner at Shiny Parents house.  Shiny went, and when the family expressed concern as to my well being, Shiny announced to the whole table that "They think it might be PID."  Well Shiny's mom was horrified that he announced this.  He didn't think was a big deal.  When Shiny got home that evening, he presented me with a "gift" from his mom.  It was an early edition of "Our Bodies, Ourselves."  She gave it to him so that we could learn more and be more informed about my feminine health.

So tonight when I was filling in Shiny on how the trip to Ladytown went and some extra tests that my doctor wanted to run, and on top of that feeling down about my craptastic day at work, and the conversations with Av, and missing Shiny Mom.  Shiny says... "You know what would cheer you up?  Let's read "Our Bodies, Ourselves."  And with that, balance was restored in my world.