tears don't help the way I feel

Aiden Bradley, my son, was born tuesday ( may 19th) somewhere around 8:30 in the morning. My water broke around 2 am, I was at the ER by 3:30, they transferred me to another hospital with a NICU, that could better handle the baby if he was born, I got there around 6ish, after a quite a few tests and questions, during shift change, I was waiting for medication to help the baby. All of a sudden it felt like hot powder was sprayed into my throat/ tonsil area, I had to throw up but I had not eaten or drank anything in over 12 hours, so It was all dry heaves, my head started to pound and I couldn't catch my breath. I was having or going into partial placenal abruption. The nurses came in fast but I couldn't verbalize anything, they were hollering at me. They couldn't find his heartbeat on the doppler or the ultrasound with in 10 minutes I was zoomed into an operating room and put to sleep. I don't remember waking up but I do remember worrying if he was alive. Chris told me after I had seen him for the first time that he was actually born with out a heart beat. He was born one day shy of being 27weeks old.

He's doing better than I thought he would be, the nurses started to give him breast milk today.

He's so tiny. 2 pounds. I never thought the fear that I felt the whole time I was pregnant could get worse, but it did. I had to go the whole first day not seeing him, I still can't hold him and I had to leave the hospital with out him. Helpless -him and me and there's nothing I can do about it.