They tell me that this is all very normal and he's doing amazingly well, for his age and that he will eventually grow out of everything that scares me.

Other than that, I am being reassured, by many a medical professional, that nothing I could have done (physically) short of beating myself in the stomach or falling flat on my belly could have caused my water to break, most people I ask are as sure as I am that it was caused by a freak,"almost" accident that I wasn't in. Some girl almost hit me (driver's side, almost t-boned my car) making a left out of a drive, while I was making a left of the main road into the parking lot she was coming out of. SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME. I had to stop for quite a while just to calm down and stop shaking.

  ---- but if this was the start of my 'episode' the lack of amniotic fluid could have aggravated the placenta, and I already had problems with that starting from when I was only 8 weeks pregnant with my first hemorrhage.

   Still it's easy to blame myself, I know others do. Everyone needs someone to blame when something goes wrong.

Anyway, it's still the most overwhelming experience I've ever been though. It's harder than when my dad died, it's harder than being in an abusive relationship, hell it's harder than leaving that relationship.

The amount of paperwork I have to endure, the pumping breast milk every 2-3 hours ( which I found out keeps Aiden from from having intestinal problems that cause death in preemies due to formula being to harsh for their bellies) not to mention keeping up with my other 2 kids, their appointments, school etc., is absolutely causing me to melt down. I can't even get more than 4-5 hours sleep, because I'm not supposed to wait longer than that to pump again or my milk supply might dwindle. Oh I didn't mention that after I use the breast pump that I have to clean and wash every little part BY HAND- no sponge or brush, because I can't have any contamination or bacteria compromising the food supply for Aiden.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for sympathy, and God only knows not too many people could understand enough to have any empathy. I'm just venting I guess. I can't work, I can't go out and every move I make is based on getting back home to use a breast pump. (by the way it takes 10 minutes to get it ready, and hands washed, 20 minutes to pump and 10 -15 minutes to wash and log in my times and labels-- that's 40 minutes every 2 hours) It just doesn't leave much time for everything else, and everything else is important too.

I know life won't be like this forever, but right now, it's almost to tough to get through even though I'm doing it.

On a lighter note the swelling in my legs and feet, that I have had for 2 weeks now, has gone down a little and I can almost walk straight, even though my feet hurt so bad it feels like open skin wounds.

Enough for now.