Stupid Bordelon

That. Was a mistake.

I frelling hate how I let my ex get to me.

Highlights:
1) Bordelon and I broke up.
2) Bordelon and I don't interact for some time (understandable).
    -Upon returning to the same group of friends, begin to get the impression Bordelon may be getting involved in rather destructive behaviors
3) Confront him with concerns. First almost-fight. Definite serious discussion - learn that he is involved.
  (I have learned that I am not good at fights. A number of girls are capable of using these to remind the guy of who's in control. I can't pick fights unless I have a really good reason, and I can't cry on cue. No trump cards for Manders.)
4) General feelings of betrayal. This lasts a few months. Yes, it's unreasonable. It takes effort to mix reason and emotion well, and I'm not particularly experienced in handling exes and the emotions there.
5) Interactions gradually drop off. Difficult, because we were in the same group of friends.
6) At some point, conclude that Bordelon is not a positive influence in my life in any way, and I am no influence in his life. Determine to stay out of his life, and keep him out of mine.
7) Call his cousin once when I need a girlfriend's help. Unfortunately, get him instead. Proceed to inform him sarcastically that I want nothing to do with him. It was not a happy night.
8) Few weeks later, mutual friend mentions his upcoming grad party. I had not been invited - I figured he was respecting my wishes - but as it's an open house, make plans to come by for about twenty minutes to congratulate him, and then take my leave.

That brings us up to today. Let's go over today.

Much ado about planning with Air. I want to go to parade, Air wants to go to grad party. We compromise and agree to do both - parade first. I meet Air and her guy at her house - somehow I got to be the driver for today. Eh, whatever. I have music, Air's awesome, 't'sall good.

Go to pick up Tal. Tal has a BAC of .06. This is an improvement - she woke up this morning with a .10. Last night, it was a .22. Tal sober is what I affectionately refer to as 'psycho squirrel'. Tal drunk is usually trying to get into the pants of just about anything that wears pants. She's also got this interesting thing where Tal drunk and Tal sober can have completely different memories. You will get into an argument with her while she's drunk, and she won't remember it while she's sober. But once she's drunk again, she will pick up right where she left off.

Fortunately, it's gradually wearing off, so she's just kinda loopy.

We missed Thunder by two minutes, if that. I am very disappointed. Curses on Tal taking forever to come out of her house. She was sewing this morning. I didn't know Tal knew HOW to sew.

Did get to see a number of other decent bands in the parade. Air likes the Shriners, I like the bands, and Tal likes food. Tal wanders off to get herself a frappucino, Air goes with her. Adam walks by with his place-of-work float, throws me a pack of Ice Cream Skittles. Score. Kent is practicing his riflery stunts with my umbrella. He is wearing girls' jeans, because Air likes them on him. And Kent's just a little bit bi, anyway.

Tal and Air return. I share Tal's frappucino. Yum. I try Air's extra-shot-of-espresso-in-a-can drink. Not yum. I share Ice Cream Skittles. Kent and I have been talking about the bands and plans for our old highschool band. I do not like the caramel skittles. Kent does.

Tal's been getting grief because her 'black' friend has been visiting her at work. Air is black, native american, and caucasian. For the most part, she looks caucasian - but according to her school, her sister (exact same parents), is black. Big fuss about that awhile ago. She has skin like mine - freckles, pale, everything, and awesomely kinky hair. No, seriously - way curly, like it wants to hang in curls, and it always smells freakin' amazing. I'll come up behind her when she's on the couch and hug her just to smell her hair. She laughs at me.

Tal's frappucino goes into the pocket of her hoodie. She's been getting progressively loopier - something about sunlight out of a rainstorm is getting to her. She also does not care for loud noises - rather bothered by the fire engines. Best part was when musket fire sounded - she jumped four inches in the air, and then clung/hung on a stop sign, shaking. Hilarious.

We race back to the car. I would have beaten Kent if my pants weren't so loose, he would have beaten me if his shoes weren't so emo. Yes, that makes a difference. The girls give pursuit, but we leave them behind and arrive, panting. Air directs us on a rather roundabout course that's supposed to get us out of the town faster, but since there's only one bridge over the river in this town, everything is pretty much bottlenecked. We should have gone with the highway.

I'm not entirely certain if it's illegal to drive on a road that's closed off for construction, when you know that no actual work's been done on it yet. I believe that, at the time, my rationale was, "I'm the responsible one for these guys on every other thing we do - I'll go with it." Really, I do feel like the chaperone half the time. And I'm the youngest.

'cept for maybe Dani. Hmmmm...not sure there.

Anyway, after missing a turn because none of us saw the sign for it, we eventually shot through one little historic town (oops. I always forget about that hill.), arrived at my town's sister town. Drive a path I know way too well, arrive at Bordelon's. Woot.

John seems concerned about me lately. I've been getting a lot of hugs, and he keeps giving me these looks that either translate to slight anxiety, or general-John-weirdness. I'm guessing either:
1) He misses me, as we haven't seen much of each other lately.
2) The guy who's reshaped and repaired my psyche a half-dozen times knows me well enough to see when something's wrong that I haven't identified yet (he also has this scary ability to be able to tell (sometimes) when something big and bad is going to happen to me)
3) He's missing his girlfriend. Again.

Got to see Barrett, which was cool. Barrett and Brian were best friends all through high school. The night Brian smoked my van window with a bottle rocket, we sent one of Barrett's disc golf discs flaming and spinning into the night. Twice. He's a good guy.

More rowdiness. Again, I am reminded that I am a band geek, and not at home among this particular crowd. Sigh. Wish I could have played with Bordelon's cats - I like the kitties. Sophie's wonderful.

At some point, we sort of get kicked out, head over to Air's. It is clear that much drinking will be involved in this, as well as a fair amount of gaming. I am grateful that I already have plans for the evening. Drop off Air and Tal, head over to Joy's.

Good time at Joybradseth's birthday party. I begin to realize why Seth annoys certain members of Aires so much. Played Bocci ball for awhile. Had food, had dessert. I got to play a kind of Calvinball version of volleyball with a nice girl by the name of Leslie. Had fun.

At some point, Brad was playing this song he and a friend wrote. It felt like this was a goodbye party, that everyone here (particularly Brad) was leaving. And then I realized - no, wait. I'm leaving.

I haven't announced it at large yet, because I haven't been accepted yet at my school of choice. Usually one prefers to have set plans when one announces the dissolution of other plans.

Call Tony. His phone's off. No surprise - he'd said he wouldn't be free for about a week. It's rather amusing - I tend to plan all kinds of mischief and trouble to get into while the S/O is out of town and can't catch me at it. My S/O's in town, and I can still get into all kinds of mischief because he won't find out for another week.

Leave Joy's around 9:15 or so. Give directions via cell to Heather, who has gotten lost on the way. Stop at Air's to drop off a cd. I have never seen Bordelon or Brian drunk before. As he's sitting on a couch with his girlfriend wrapped around him, it seems to be fairly normal. Kent's having a rough night, not sure what's going on there. Head back out.

Freakin' frustrated about Bordelon. I almost head to Marigold City - my favorite place (since they hauled out my woods) to go when I'm frustrated or just need to think is by the waterfall there. I just sit beside it and watch the water run black in the night under the bridge, or walk across the waterfall and try to climb it. I like it there. But my concern for how much gas I've used today catches up with me, and I figure that, as long as I'm stuck with Bordelon on my mind, I'll go check out the park.

There's a park in the middle of our sistertown that Brian and I used to go to a great deal. Usually at night. It was a summer romance - chilliness was not usually a factor those nights. Went for a walk around the park, thinking back through highlights of memories.

Came to the overall conclusion that I'm happier now, and I've definitely got something better going on.

Call Tony. Phone's still off - poor rascal probably went straight to sleep after rehearsal. I should follow his example. Head for home.

On my way out of sistertown, John calls. Apparently his Spidey-sense is getting tingley - he's concerned for me and doesn't know why. Past experience shows that I should take heed when John's senses regarding me come into play. I assure him that I'm fine, just mad at Bordelon. He listens for a bit, and tells me that my opinion is fair. This should send off a warning to me - the only time John has ever disagreed with my emotions was when I was mistreating my sister and he reminded me of how important she was to me. For the most part, John is the one to encourage me in my more childish responses.

Air says I need to forgive Bordelon, or rather, that it'd be easier if I did. I think it's a little silly - he hasn't done any particular crime against me, what do I need to forgive him for? I feel betrayed for some reason, but that's nothing new, and it's pretty irrational.

Built-up anger over Bordelon. I should keep visiting him - I'd be an awesome athlete by the end of summer. But it's too dark for me to go skating now. That's my favorite when I'm upset. I like going by myself, because I don't have to keep it slow for anybody. I can start off on a hard, aggressive sprint, working off frustration. Settle down into my steady rhythm, and then I talk. Last time, I did eight miles, arguing the concept of "God's Will" to myself. This may be amusing for the other trail-goers - I get a little passionate about what I'm arguing, and sometimes people come up behind me and I don't stop talking to myself fast enough.

Arrive home. Talk with Mom, eat half a piece of tiramisu. This is the GOOD kind, not the stuff you get at the grocery store, but homemade by a Russian family we know. I can't eat a whole piece. Slightly concerned that I'm getting overconcerned with my calorie intake - last time I did this was in ninth grade, and I developed anorexia out of it. I figure, though, as long as I'm eating both breakfast and half a pizza a day, I probably have nothing to worry about.

Talking with Mom about how frustrated I am over Bordelon - I think I'm being unreasonable and illogical and can't understand it. Talk with Mom about what my sister has informed me regarding, "The girl next door." Mom informs me, "Guys fall like lead for the girl next door." Huh. Okay. Odd that I haven't noticed this before. Talking about the job situation, which does not make me happy. To me, it implies that Mom disapproves of my current job. To her, I'm pretty sure it's just taking an interest in what's going on in my life and showing that she cares.

Head down to my fortress of solitude. Want my shower. Can't have my shower - somebody's doing laundry. Computer goes flukey. Growl at it - I'll drop a note to Dad to have a look at it later. I've put this sort of thing off before, it ends up being a mess later on. Grump to myself because neither Tony nor anyone particularly interesting is on. Frustrated emotions, haven't blogged in awhile, rant about my ex.

It is not a happy night in Amandaland.