There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so. -- William Shakespeare

 





   +

Seriously, what the actual *FUCK* is wrong with me?!

 

OK- so…. went on the date with Steve last weekend (two weekends ago?) and it went FREAKING awesome. We kept talking and he kept calling and he was all “CANT WAIT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!!!!” and I was all “NO SHIT, SAMESIES”… blah blah blah, right.

So, feelings were mutual.

 

THEN, he got his kids for the week (ALL five of them). Which, awesome. SO he was less talkative than the week before (obviously, I mean… manhandling five children on your own ought to do that to a person, right?!) So, that was that. Then, I went to my parents’ with Sienna on Friday (Isla went to her dad’s it was his weekend). We were texting and snapchatting...as per usual. He mentioned how his kids were going to bed and i said how I was getting ready for bed myself. And then he said I should come over!!!! And I was all “nah it probably isn’t best…. P is coming home soonish (his oldest son).” So, anyway. We decided I SHOULD go over and I’d just leave before P was going to get home (midnight).

 

** WE were both not ready for the whole “meeting the kids” thing at this point. **

 

OK- so. I go to his place. I get there slightly before 11:00 PM and so I was planning on being there until a little before midnight then I’d go back home.

So, we were chatting, and kissing, and chatting…. and then he gets a text and P says he was going to be coming home early because he’s tired. So Steve says “alright, text when you’re on your way!” and thinks he’s in the clear. SO- then we were still talking and making out and he’s getting all handsy and stuff- which I get because we definitely did some making out and more last time (BUT SEE I WAS KIND OF DRUNK…. see, that’s the difference. AND there weren’t kids present…. those both are factors in being more comfortable AND just not thinking about it. If I’m drinking I don’t put as much thought into making out. I just don’t.)

 

SO, I am like nonchalantly pushing his hands away from under my shirt and stuff and just trying to kiss and talk and stuff.

Then, he keeps trying to mess around more and more and I finally say “not right now” and he was all “just a little bit” and I’m all “not right now *laugh* really…. let’s just wait! Plus, p is coming home soon… and… and...” and see…

 

THAT’s where stuff gets sketchy.

 

So then I say let’s just wait a little and then he stopped and he said “but we did last time” and I said “yes, but it was a little different and I was pretty drunk so….” and then we were talking about the last time we hung out (*our first date*)… and then we see headlights in the driveway.

So, we both minorly freak out and I get up and onto the chair at the desk and we just continue our conversation. And then P comes in and totally sees me (in the dark… well the tv was on) and it wasn’t that big of a deal. And Steve made it seem like it was all OK and stuff. I was probably more like “oh shit” than he was. I’m not sure. He kept saying it was OK.

 

THEN, Parker went to bed.

Now, it’s just Steve and I again.

 

And we continue how he couldn’t believe I didn’t remember some of the stuff we did…. and I told him that I just drank too much and we laughed about it. And he was making fun of me for not having much to drink and he was saying how I could’ve fooled him. And I was saying how it doesn’t take much. And then we started kissing more and then he got handsy again.

 

 

HERE’S WHERE it happened. THEN something like snaps inside me. I don’t know what the hell. But i start like really pushing him away and like shaking. WTF. SHAKING?!?!

Like is this something that’s going to normally happen now from what I recall of my childhood. I never really remembered the details like I have this past year or two.

I know I’ve been uncomfortable with people in the past but it’s never like actually brought me back to a feeling of helplessness.

And I’m like “ok I have to go.” and he kind of was taken aback by it and was like “what’s wrong??!?” and I said “I can’t do this. I just need to go.” and he said “I’m confused… we talk about making out and sex, and we have like made out and done a lot messing around  when you were here last time. What’s the deal??” and I said “just something. I just… can’t. I don’t know”. And he was all “we need to talk about this. You need to tell me what’s going on.” and I guess I said I couldn’t… or maybe I mumbled something about it bringing up memories. I don’t know what I all said but then, I said I should probably go and he hugged me and kissed me and kissed me and hugged me and said Goodnight! and told me to text him when I got home.

 

SO, then I left.

 

Halfway home I got a text that said “Thank you so much for coming!!!!!!!!”   (exactly, that many explanation points.)

 

Then I didn’t hear back from him until Saturday at 11:00 am that said he took his son to the Dr. because he woke up coughing.

 

THEN, one more text saturday night that said “he’s doing better! cleaning done finally!!! driving around on golf cart!!! having fun!!!” and that’s the last I’ve heard from him.

 

5:06 Saturday night.

 

No snapchats since then.

No texts.

No fb messages.

 

NOT normal for him.

 

The week we started talking he was the most talkative person I’ve met. Like as much or more than me.

 

Last week, not quite as much but still pretty talkative.

 

And now nothing.

 

Did I scare the shit out of him.

Is he just in it for the sex. Which I’m doubting just because I don’t know I just don’t have that feeling that that’s what it was all about. Maybe.

Could he “just be busy”…???

 

GHAH- what. the. eff.

 

Basically I just sent him a message just now that said,
 

 

hope things are going well and kind of asked if he was really busy or if he thinks we should step away from this. I told him that I’d be willing to talk to him about what was going on and that we probably should. And I apologized for what had happened and how I didn’t mean to make it seem as though i was sending mixed messages and that i hope he had a good weekend, etc.

 

SO, there’s that.? I guess that’s it. Ball’s in his court.

 

 

 
 


 
insanereid on
Re:

If you're being open and communicating you can't be so hard on yourself.

Sometimes boys are just terrible at communication. Lol

morte on
Re:

you were setting boundaries, he wasn't respecting them enough, and it triggered you.  i’m sorry this happened. it can be very scary, and very emotionally exhausting. 

if he is flipped out, it might be over his own behavior; in hindsight, he might have realized that he pushed you into an emotional reaction, instead of inciting lust or passion. 

and for the record, “we did this before” in no way creates an obligation to do so again :/ it was kind of manipulative of him to try to use that as a reason to keep pushing your boundaries.  

maybe you dodged a bullet?

 



 
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