Last night my husband observed that I am very animated and  outgoing even with people  do not particularly want to be friends with and that trait sometimes leads people to think I like them more than I do. He on the other hand is very good at discouraging relationships.   So we started thinking about how/why I developed this trait and I actually managed to do it.

In my family of origin my major survival tactic took several forms. Don’t cause trouble  (keep a low profile, be good) be charming and suck up to others (in order to avoid their wrath)  and give the family a cheerleader peppy front that looked like forthrightness while hiding my real feelings from them.

It made me survive a crazy mother and narcissistic father and three grabbing siblings who all were trying to get by. And it made me a teacher’s pet so I got many strokes from school life. Plus I was bright and cute and let me go pretty far without much family support for the many dreams that children have.

And then I found that I continued to do it as an adult because it had worked so well. It is the trait that permitted me to marginally survive in the deep south and get jobs easily and  become involved in community activities and essentially not live in a cave.  Alone.

With my husband I did not do the “thing” I was taught. We were great non romantic friends long before we dated and so our exchanges were based on relentless honesty. Besides as a young woman I trusted men more than women ( one mom and two sicko sisters always wanting a chunk of you ya know? )

My recent self examination with a psychiatrist- the one with the toe fungus and poor eye contact has been really helpful. She is bright and quick and remembers things and doesn’t analyze till the just right moment and then very gently. She helped me identify how compliant a child I was when I grew up thinking I was so difficult, and how generous and nice I am when I thought I was selfish to want anything for myself.  By now you are thinking and this woman did therapy? Hahahahaha yes one can be quite aware and blind in a personal spot and help others deal with it quite well. Besides I was mostly cognitive behavioral anyway.

So when a woman from Alabama called me and I groaned because I didn’t see any  point in continuing a relationship with a nice but not much in common with her other than Judaism woman, Jim pointed out that I mislead people unconsciously into thinking I wanted to be with them more than I actually did and maybe it was unfair of me. Yes. And no w that I am conscious of it I need to take responsibility for it. Shit.

So I washed the wool a second time and will probably have to wash it one more time before it is useable. I am going to wait till spring before I clean the other two bales.