Like many families, my children watch television to the background drumbeat of “Sex is best saved for marriage.” It has been our philosophy that with the media clamoring for their attention from the time they were in diapers, offering them tempting (and mostly non-nutritious) treats and dangling the newest toys in front of them. It seemed that it wasn’t long before the commercials got racier, the girls more scantily clad, and they were hit with the idea of popularity being tied to sex appeal. We decided that we too could not give our children our messages too early or too often: illegal drugs harm your body and your mind; smoking has no benefits and many risks, including cancer; sex is more than a single physical act which you can do and then walk away from unchanged; sex is too complicated for many adults let alone children; and sex is best saved for a time of love, commitment, and marriage. They hear these drumbeats in the background any time we watch television shows together. We applaud characters who uphold our message and we use those who do not as times to teach. It is our hope that this drumbeat will continue in the background of their lives long after they leave the nest, long after our voices are drowned out by the voices of their peers.
A few weeks ago, my daughter decided to challenge my teaching by asking me if her father and I had ever had sex before marriage. I was a little taken aback and apparently had a little smile on my face. “You’re smirking!” she exclaimed. “You guys so did it!” I paused for another moment and just looked at her. I smiled even bigger and said: “I really don’t know how to answer your question. Sex is first of all a very private matter between two people. Second of all, what we may or may not have done does not change how we feel about it. Anyway, if I say ‘yes’, you will say ‘Busted’ and if I say ‘no’, you will say ‘You guys just don’t understand how things are these days.’ So, I am not going to answer your question. You will have to answer the question yourself for your own life one day and it will be your decision. And you won’t have to tell your children either.” She sighed and said something to effect that she knew I’d turn a question into a lesson. And so the drumbeat goes on…
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