I was raised in a good Christian home. My parents paid for me to have a good parochial education. They taught me good values. I didn't mind that part of my upbringing at all. Until I became a teenager. In my late teens, I made some really bad friends and consequently some really bad decisions. It does not take long at all for a decade or two to pass before you know it and the sum total of all of your bad decisions, one-by-one come crashing down on you. I never realized when I picked up that first cigarette 9 years ago that I'd still be buying cigarettes, 9 years and over $12,000 later. I never realized when I went to that first big party that I would give away the most sacred gift I could ever give away, my purity. I never realized how big the consequences would be.
I never knew that each time I became angry, raised my voice, raised my fist and shook it in the air, or cussed someone out in traffic that I was creating a person that I would despise very much. I never knew that every time I put something in my mouth that I shouldn't eat, I was building a body that wouldn't forgive me as much as I got older as it did when I was younger. I never knew that each conversation, dinner, vacation, or party that I went on with a friend who didn't have my best interest in mind, I was opening myself up to negative influences. All of these choices were building up slowly until they got me to where I am today - unhappy.
But, now I do know. I do know that for every time that I yearned for God but turned my back on him because I didn't want to lose my friends, I was losing far more than I ever could by saying good-bye to my friends. I do know that every time I smoke a cigarette, I'm taking a gamble with my life (and my finances). I do know that every time I say an unkind word, I am creating a monster inside of me that will grow harder to rid myself of. I am now at the cusp, the very brink, of some big changes in my life. I don't want Satan to have one more second of my life - I want to have my life back.
The Bible says in Joel 2:25, "And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten, the cankerworm, and the caterpiller, and the palmerworm, my great army which I sent among you."
That in a nutshell is what I am seeking. There is no magic pill - God doesn't magically fix any bad choice that I have made. But I do want to take him up on His promise and see where it takes me. Tim McGraw sings a song called "In my next 30 years". In his next 30 years, he wants to have some fun. In my next 30 years, I want to be the exact opposite of who I am today.
I understand that in order to make a change, I have to stop moving in the direction I am, a complete halt, and turn in the other direction. For all of the years that I was told about Repentance, I finally understand what it means. I haven't hit rock bottom quite yet, but I'd like to repent and start anew while I still can. After all, God DOES NOT guarantee me the chance tomorrow to change the things that I could have started to change to day.
Please keep me in your prayers as I begin this journey.
