quantum santa

the whole bit about santa covering the surface of the earth is pretty daunting. i would be extremely curious what sort of function he uses to determine the minimum route about the earth. in addition, the astronomical accelleration needed to carry out this optimum path make it unlikely in my mind that santa behaves in a classical manner. however, we do not know the origin of the legend that he lives at the north pole, except that the north pole was first visited by humans long after the historical origins of the legend. consequently, one of the primary features of the north pole known at that time was that it is cold. my impression is that santa really keeps himself far colder than anyone ever imagined. in contrast to the relativistic approach where santa has a very high rest-mass energy, i would suggest instead that the fat man image is an illusion to disguise the fact that he is really a very-low-energy particle. in this configuration, he may delocalize over the surface of the earth to deliver presents to a high multiplicity superposition state of households. simultaneously. this also explains how he copes with the lack of chimneys in the modern world. one should consequently be able to make an accurate measurement of his momentum. this is an exercise left to the reader, as is the perturbation of milk and cookies. the primary fault with this theory lies in its inability to explain the materialization and transportation of gi joes, ps2's, and sudoku puzzles to the masses.

-a

p.s. long live spicy pork.
p.p.s. this is a little more far-fetched than the coffee one was. but come on, there MUST be a way to keep believing in santa, right?