mindsayThat thought brought me back to my junior high school days when I played basketball for "Hedges Junior High".
That basketball year was a strange one for me. For the Phys Ed teacher had the final say over the teams and those who played on them. But since he could only coach one team himself, he of course relied on other faculty to coach the remainder. So my coach was the science teacher. He had his own views as to who should be and shouldn't be on the team and made no bones about making his thoughts public. And for some reason unknown to me I became the public example of his frustration over not having complete say over what he saw as his turf.
So the way that he thumbed his nose at his fellow teacher was to not give me a team jersey. I believe he wanted to make me so self conscious of my ostracization by him that I would quit. But I didn't. I realized his intentions but would not give up my rightfuly earned position. Everyone on that team had gotten a colored school jersey, name and number proudly and boldly displayed for all to see. That is everyone but me. So I went to every practice, every game and wore my own white blank t-shirt. Even when the team picture was taken for the school year book. I had that white shirt among all those colored jerseys.
Right up to our last competitive game of the season. I had been relegated to perminent bench duty. I hadn't seen a single moment off that bench and in active play all year. I had become the embodiment of my coach's scorn for another person. And many times I felt like crap, wanted to run and hide from that scorn. Wanted to give in and quit, to end my pain inside. But I had become persistent. Yeah, I had toughed it out, right up to that last game of the season where my coach had a change of heart and took pity on me. Said that he would put me in to play.
But thats when it happened to me too. I too had a change of heart. For up until that time I was able to keep my dignity in the face of his adversity. But now I found myself facing his pity and that became even a greater afront to me than had been his scorn. For still I knew he didn't feel I was worthy to play on his team. He was feeling pity out of guilt and this jesture was not being made for my benefit but for his.
So, at the end of the season I was faced again with a dilema. Do I play for his sake or decline for my own. That was the day I choose to quit the team.
Looking back and having lived that dreadful experience has taught me a deep truth. A truth that has cut me with hurt but also a truth that gives anticipation for what must be in store for me. For only by God allowing me to experience this season of misery do I now have a better understanding of how I am to relate to others. You see I couldn't have learned this through another's teaching. I could only learn it, believe it by living thru it.
That thought being. That if I am ever to share this joy that comes from my saviour Jesus Christ my motivation has to be purely love. The same type of love for others that He has shown for me. A motivation that has no selfish ambition to glorify itself, nor satisfy a guilt felt from condemnation given to others who don't believe. Thankfully I can say that because of the constant work God is doing in my life, in my charachter, that I'm coming to such a place.
So, now only one question still remains. "Do I or Don't I wear this jersey to Plunge tonight?"
I think I earned it, so tonight I'll wear it in honor of my life coach, Jesus Christ.
nick
