All I got for Christmas was...

... a headache and some anxiety.
I love my family but for god's sake I can't stand being with them. I'm sure we're no more dysfunctional them any other American Family but I still can never seem to enjoy being with them. and the worst part is that I always feel that it somehow is all my fault. You know, like if I had been smarter, and done better in school or not made as many mistakes in my life we would have been some sort of Norman Rockwell painting instead of the mess we are today.
Of course, I know that it isn't my fault and the Rockwell Ideal is impossible but I just feel so guilty for my fucked up life.
I like being with my father, sometimes, but never when we are with the rest of the family.
I have never ending love for my mother, the woman is a saint. She tries so hard in vain to make everyone's Holiday a good one. And he didn't completely fail I enjoyed some parts of it.
I get the feeling my older sister, Kris, hates my fucking guts.
The only one (of  my siblings) who shows real love is my Littlest sister Maria. I can tell my brother, Joe, is forcing himself to be nice but really is just tolerating because he fells he has to. And Katie is pretty much in the same boat as Joe but I think Katie actually hates me as well where Joe doesn't.

Christmas Eve I went to dinner at my folks and midnight mass with the family. After mass I just felt so horrible.As soon as I got home I ran up to my apartment to grabbed my cigarettes and lighters and went outside to smoke away my guilt. I went onto the isolated bridge near my house and watch the  half frozen river flow and looked up at the city's skyline and just screamed at the top of my lungs one loud F-bomb. It felt so damn relieving.
Christmas day wasn't much better (although the ham was good :P)

Mark