Love is such a loaded word.
The inevitable conversation that would follow my writing of that post was supposed to go very differently. It was supposed to be a playfull waltz of me throwing seeds of doubt that she had anything to do with what I wrote. But when it came down to it...I couldn't do it. I couldn't deny the things I had intended to. My mouse pointer hovered over the checkbox of that post for a long time, and through three drafts. Not long enough, I see now. In the end I could not bring myself to cap it. And now it's messed everything up.
She read, I red. I took the last pull on the lever and the floodgates let through the little that I held in reserve. Now I'm akward, vulnerable, and what's worse, she doesn't see things being the same ever again.
The page I had dedicated to this very topic in my Conferance notes became much busier this morning. I have a heavy, heavy mind. It feels shameful for me to keep dwelling on a past that I can't change, but it kills me how easy it would have been to shut the flow of truth off, and things would be the same between us. Forever. And now....well now there's nothing I can do. Nothing I can do to restore what I destroyed. My heart is full of mourning for this akward but beautiful situation she and I had forged. I am a murderer at his victim's gravesite.
Why did I have to go and open my big mouth? Why can't things ever be the same?
Our conversation became lengthy and heavier as the night progressed. We tried desperately to grasp at anything that remained of our beautiful creation, but to no avail. I became weak and gave into dispair, and it became she that fought me for the survival of our friendship. Despite long hours of deliberation, I'm afraid our concensus was steeped in denial and false hope, but it seems that such things are all that we have left to turn to.
I did not no one could exhaust one's reserve of tears. I never wanted to know that.
So much for my ironman-ish colossal nurve.
Why couldn't I check the other box?
But if I could do it over, I don't know how I could have possibly done it any different. From the very beginning. Every decision I made from Lagoon right on through today...I can't think of anything I could have done different. And despite all that, I'm still here, I stand where I stand with no hope of return. Which leads me to beleive that this is right where I'm supposed to be. That doesn't make me feel any better about it.
But then, Lagoon didn't have to be the beginning, did it? No, no, not at all! The one and only time I went wrong was so many years ago as a child in that classroom...it must have been sixth grade. Yes, yes it was. Oh I had known who she was. She was the quiet little girl that at in the back and shone in her eye the way the rest of us did. The Gift had always been something that had brought people like us together. And it did so again. It was during recess one day, and I felt that I didn't want to go play outside. She was inside reading. She was always reading. I loved that about her.
She came up to me, which was good because being the shy little kid I was she wasn't getting a word out of me. She and I began talking about the things we liked and even the things we beleived. And the Gift shone between us as strong as it ever did. It was telling me to be her friend.
Every other time I had had that experience with The Gift, I had followed it. I had done exactly as it made me feel to do. I owe all my friendships of my early years to that.
So why did I hardly say a word to her for the next four years?
That's the single point of failure, right there. How different would my life have been if I had done as I was told and made her my friend when I had the chance? So many things would have been different! She would have had advice, and I would have listened. I'd have avoided my horemonal tendancies toward other girls, at least to whatever degree a small teen boy can ;) And perhapse the whole episodes of utter denial of the guidance of the prophets could have been avoided. I'd have been a better person.
And yet the tortured longing would have still been there. The constant pull I have always felt...and now realize what it was. Stupid gosh-dang feelings and their ignorance of the way I would like things to be! I can imagine us in the first days of Junior High. I can see the way things would have been as I went three blocks out of my way to walk her to our first day in tenth grade together. She would talk, not so different than she did before yesterday. We would have been closer than now ever possible, because I would have been there to help her with all the bull she's had trudge through. And I would feel that sting, that constant tug to perfrom the idocy I have committed in this reality.
But things would have been different. She would not have been threattened by my revelation. Rather, she would have nodded her head in resigned understanding. "I suppose that makes sense now," she would say in a quiet voice.
And things would have gone on. I would have walked her to school until that fateful day she moved. And oh, if moving wasn't hard enough in this reality, how much harder would it have been in that one? She would have felt even more sedentary, even more attatched to her environment. She would not have her same, inhuman distance from the world, because she would not have needed it in the first place. Such thing is but a defense mechanism, one that she wouldn't need if I had been there. All that sacrificed because a little boy was too embarassed to return her shy offering of friendship.
I remember distinctly how I beat myself up for denying The Gift in that moment. But I did not understand until now why. Even more than I long for our friendship to be what it once was, I long for our friendship to be what it could have been.
I failed you Hannah, and now we've both suffered for it. Hannah, I'm sorry. Oh God, I'm so sorry!
Really Josh, I don't know how to respond, but I think this entry necessetates a responce, so her I am.
I don't know how it could've been all that different. Likely, we would've known eachother better sooner and this whole fiasco would've come earlier. I really don't know what caused it or what to do now, other than what we agreed on earlier.
Josh, don't be so hard on yourself. You get enough of that from other sources I'm sure, and I didn't help much. Part of this is my fault. You can deny it all you like, but it is.
Thanks for giving me something...anything.
It would have been different. I know it would have. I think neither of us would have had to learn the lessons we did the hard way. It's scarry that something so weighty can rest on a small followup conversation, or in this case, the lack thereof.
You didn't do anything wrong. It's my emotional crap that got us in to that mess. And nothing you did egged that on. I mean...if this feeling had been anything less than it is, then you might be right, but it's far too loaded to be blamed on innocent flirting.
Even so ... I don't know. If we'd been friends for a while, it would never have really mattered and we'd have likely as not just stayed that way.
Not to derail your train of thought, but every thought, event, emotion, anything has a cause.
Just stay that way...what I wouldn't give.
Weather for good or ill.
Me too. Honestly, me too.
It happened, now we just need to deal with the effects and stop going back to the causes, for which I will appologize one last time.
I suppose if you insist on blaming yourself, I have no choice but to accept the apology with the disclaimer that I don't blame you for a thing. This is my burden.
Is it too late to take it all back? To start over? To blame it all on...I don't know, whatever you want. A temporary lapse of sanity maybe, horemones, anything! Please don't tell me there's nothing more I can do.
And I'm your friend, carrying as much of your burden as I can is my duty. Even if a good little piece is mine.
We're working on it. Life goes on, and things regrow. They just might be a little bit different. Different doesn't have to be bad though.
Your duty...your duty is to make it through life and have the fullest, brightest, most joyfull time doing it as you possibly can. It's my duty and every other man's duty you come in contact with to get you there. That's why I'm so hard on myself, because I've managed to put one more dramatic block on the road to your happiness.
I don't like change. I liked the way things were before.
I'm a female. I relish drama. Okay, not really, but if it makes you stop beating yourself up. And that is your duty, but because of the priesthood you hold, my job is to help you help me in any way I possibly can.
Me too. But we're working on that. It'll get better, I promise.
Nothing you can say can make me stop. I'm at fault, and that's factual.
I do appreciate your help, and you do, you really really do. Call it my own pathetic pride, but I have to feel like I am strong enough to lift this. Maybe I need to be humbled...but not today.
I'm thankfull that you have that confidence. It's a nice contrast.
I'll just let you go on thinking you're right. It's better than arguing with you.
Then tomorrow. It's only a few hours away. And there's nothing wrong with wanting to do it yourself, but know that I'm here. Stealing little pieces off whenever you're not looking.
I know, I'm usually just so hopeless! *wink* (sorry, the emoticons are being stupid)
Beleive what you want. I was the one that opened my big mouth. I pulled the trigger.
And you're so good at it too ^_^
That's fine. I'm glad at least one of us has the strength to stick this out.
Well maybe I put in the ammo. And I will.
Why thank you. Sadly, I've had practice. You're load isn't easy.
Yes, and for that you rock.
The amo was my filthy emotions, and surely you can't take credit for those.
No, but it's self inflicted. It's really depressing when I have to beg a friend - particularly a female friend - for for help with a self inflicted burden.
Me? I was talking about you! You are the one who seems to have all the answers.
Well not all then, but maybe one or two. Whatever you say, I'm still convinced I did have a part to play.
Not at all. The whole reason we have friends is so they can help lift us when we stumble. That and they kill time really well.
I know, but you have to be more specific or I'll twist it to mean you. And me?! I'm usually the one coming to you for help.
I just don't see it. Nothing was the matter until I opened my big mouth.
Well, maybe, but maybe I'm just too stubborn to be helped. This whole team work thing is new to me. I've always been on my own. It's become my comfort zone, as oddly paradoxical as that sounds.
And I'm always willing to give it.
If you say so.
See, you just need practice. The good kind.
Thanks, you'd better be willing in the future too, it doesn't look like life will ever let up on us poor teens. Boo hoo.
Was there?
Well, if it makes you feel any better, the fact that this conversation has taken place is evidence that you've been carrying more than enough. Thank you.
Always and forever. The world will never let up, but that's when the time comes to rely on each other's strengths, and to rely on each other.
Not if you didn't see it.
I can never carry more than enough. Were I to carry it all it'd still be easy. Bearing another's burdens and the help of angels and all that.
We seem to do a fairly decent job of that.
If it wasn't there, then why do you yet argue it's existance?
That's the mentality of a priesthood holder. It's refreshing to see it elsewhere as well. You're such a good friend!
Only the best.
I never said it wasn't there.
Well I try, I don't always do a good job, but I try. Honestly, I've learned a lot from you.
I would never expect less.
Hannah's confusing.
That's very flattering. Likewise, I've learned a lot from you. Now I'm a little worried what kind of things I maybe SHOULDN'T be passing on...
Nor would I ever give less.
For once, it's not confused, just confusing. Nice change.
Haha, don't worry, you always seem to act differently around girls, for which I'm greatful.
See, that's why I like you so much!
Care to explain?
Maybe I'm still scared of girls. >_0
^_^ well...^_^
Well do you want me to? I won't waste my time, so if you're really going to listen ...
Scared, respectful ... who cares, it's nice.
Don't let it go to your head. Though, I think it might be too late.
I plan on it.
I'm glad it's appreciated ^_^
Me? Never!
Never mind.
Oh it is, it's so hard to find these days, in any form.
Of course, what was I thinking? Tobler, get a big head? Never!
Fine. I won't press it. But I'm always willing to listen.
I'm doing my best to remedy that fact...just for you.
It's flattering, but really, I've learned not to take compliments very seriously. Most of the time it's someone trying to make me feel better or trying to shift the attention off of themselves. A genuine compliment is something so rare as to be charished, never to be absorbed and twisted into some fuel for an egotistical power plant. That would be disrespectful.
Well, if you go back and read the last few posts I'm sure you'll get the big picture.
I feel so special. Really, your wife and I are going to have to have a very long talk some day.
Well, that was an honest compliment, but that's one good thing to be choosy about. I can still tease you about it though, right? If not ... you get the idea.
I gathered that somehow, you blame yourself for this whole fiasco, and I could never wrap my mind around why that is.
Be afraid, be very afraid. And I am in deed afraid of what will be said. You two will gang up on me or something.
Well I'm glad, puts some of my one-way-road anxiety at ease. Thank you.
Sure. We tease each other about everything else.
Fine, you got close enough.
Most likely, but then you'll flash that puppy-dog face that is too ... ugh, no word, but it's powers are not of this world, that's for sure.
You're welcome. And any anxiety I can lay to rest, just let me know.
Okay then, you can plan on that.
Well aren't you the articulate one. Say what you're going to say, or else don't leave me to guess.
I'm not as good at it as you are though. We could just have a cute off until you won or let me win, and then she'd probably be laughing hysterically as we steadily got looking dumber and cuter and dumber and cuter.
Boy, you've done a lot already. More than I can ever properly thank you for.
Looking forward to it.
Is there a third option that involves keeping my mouth shut? If so, that's the one I'm taking.
It's funny how cute and dumb so often go together. And I don't know, she'll probably just be awesome at that. I mean, to withstand yours?
Alright, I just keep feeling like there's more to do.
Haha, it's a deal then.
Fine. I'm short a jaws of life, so I'll quit digging for it. I'm here when you wise up.
Please, you've never even really seen mine. I actually can't do it. If I could, I'd get my way a lot more often. I've got another one that might get a hug out of you, but, that's about it.
Speaking in generalities, there seems to always be one more thing isn't there? But here...now...I couldn't ask you for anything more, not with how much time you've wasted away walking me through all this goop. It's mucho appreciated.
Oh good, I see you know, you're right there.
We should test that theory some time.
This goop is evil, so I'm glad to be of service in any way possible. And time helping a friend is never wasted.
...
Any excuse for physical contact with a pretty female ^_^ jk girl. You know it's all you. Okay that one didn't help either. Oh just shoot me before I say something else dumb.
It's a good kind of evil though. The kind that you hate but you know it's only for your good. And thanks. I'm glad to be your friend. I'm here too, you know. It's never a one way road.
As in I wised up, so now you're here.
Oh, it's so cute when you put your foot in your mouth though. And I think this might be the part where I start to feel jealouse ... line? jk
I would hope not, it'd get awfully crowded between the two of us. And thanks, you know I'm always right there for you too. Good kind of evil ... I guess that works.
I'm done. You still aren't telling me what's bothering you about this mess.
Jealous? That's a weird thing to be at this point.
Yes, it would, on top of all our baggage full of problems we carry with us. Less than most, but still cumbersome. Thank you. What a team we make.
I don't feel that inclined to, sorry. And what's not to bother me?!
I don't know, this points weird all around. I'm not even sure what point you're talking about.
Look out world, we're on our way!
I don't know. You won't tell me. Again, I deeply and sincerely appologize for the way I feel.
I was complimenting you. How jealousy works into that I don't know, but then, you're the girl, you tel me; I don't know.
Taking frienship to the world to conquer everything that mildly annoys us!
Never be sorry for the way you feel.
Never mind.
Yay! Now lets hit Kneaders and then we're off to ... well, I don't know where to go first. This subject might take some space, so we'll just make it up as we go, it's worked well enough so far.
But I can be sorry for what it did to us.
You're right, I probably wouldn't get it anyway.
Kneaders is a good start. Though...it kind of signifies the end of the line for me.
"Us" is doing marvelously, don't worry.
You probably would, I'd just look like a moron trying to explain it.
Haha, we'll do drive through if it makes you feel any better at all.
You sound like a bush appologist at the State of the Union address.
What a crime that would be! Heavens I make myself look like an idiot all the time. I can't beleive you actually care anymore.
Great, so I get strangled at the wheel. From two different directions most likely, since we have this really weird association between Kneaders and Mem.
Good heavens, I do, don't I.
I don't. It saves a bundle of time though. And not ALL the time ...
It just wouldn't be the same without little Mem!
And at the risk of sounding like a liberal, "When are you going to start stating the facts instead of rallying a misguided enthusiast epidemic?!"
Wll thans. I hope not ALL the time, but then, I'm me 8D Fine, if you feel like being overly time-conservative, then be that way! See if I care!
We don't even know if she LIKES kneaders, and we have pretty much established she doesn't like me.
At the risk of sounding too republican, "When I feel like it."
Would you have it any other way? Okay, thanks for your permission.
Oh sad. Well there's only one way to find out ...
You get more like Clint Eastwood every day. Kind of hot actually.
Whatever. I'm too tired for this anymore. If it's not worth your time I'll drop it.
You wouldn't.
You'd better shut up before I slug you but good mister.
Finally. And you jk'ed the whole statement, I just chose to tease you about it anyway. So it's no big.
Oh wouldn't I?
Go ahead punk, make my day.
Fair enough.
Oh sweet mercy, you would. Heaven help me!
Don't worry, you've got it coming ...
Hm ... I wonder if she would ... nevermind.
Looking forward to it. Cuz you know what? You're still goodlooking when you're on the warpath.
The image of a deer in the headlights comes to mind. *Braces for impact*
YOU LITTLE!!! *slap*
Haha, she's Mem, she'll likely have an entourage of friends who can capture this moment on film. Don't worry, she has to let you live if she wants to see the look on your face as you watch it.
OWOWOWOWOWOW! But you know what? If you hit me open handed, I can take it like a man. If you hit me closed handed, you can take it like a man!
Even just asking though...*trembles* FINE! Maybe I'm still scared of girls a little.
I'll sic Corry on you, he already said he would if you did anything, and he live closer than I do ...
As it should be. *smirks*
Please. He's a little prick of a pretty boy. I've been looking for an excuse to mess up his pretty boy face for a long time now. And where the hell does he get off making threats like that?! Between the two of us, who's the one's that gotten himself...UGH! I'll wring his pathetic little neck!
:$
Oh you'd better not, he's ... Corry! No, he's cool though, he's the one that would chew people out when they swore around me, but don't worry, it was a long time ago, like when we first met.
haha
I had hoped that even by then I had, at least to some degree, left my old ways behind. I was already a much different person by the end of the school year than I was at the beginning. He may be cool, but he completely blows off everything he beleives on a dime. He, of all people...it took every ounce of self control I had today to keep from shoving his face into that brick wall.
Sorry, profain and unusual comments. That just really bugs me. Sure, he may be more qualified to protect you from...oh, say...the football team, but I've never met anybody less qualified to protect you from himself.
Maybe you should've, his ego's far too swolen to be healthy. And you have changed a lot, even in the year and a half that I've known you.
Believe me, I don't think he has any intention of anything other than friends. Hiromi's enough to keep severel men occupied, he's got his hands full. What, and you are? *wink*
Two and a half, beleive it or not.
Don't even joke about it, it's an insecurity of mine.
Nope, end of ninth gradewe met, but didn't start hanging out until school started next year, and even so, now we're in the beginning of 11th.
I'm so so sorry, I guess you aren't the kind of person that feels better when they joke about things like that.
Don't look at me, who do I look like the math god?
I usually am, just not on that particular issue. One of my worst nightmares is just that: that I will be the very thing that I am unable to protect you from. It's a terrible, terrible nightmare, and it's one that's not so far fetched, so I have serious apprehensions, which means it's very hard to have a sense of humor about it.
I'd bow to your great glory, but it's against my religion, sorry.
Right, I won't go there again then, promise. And I don't think you need to be so worried. Everyone's a bit scared of that, and you've come a long way.
You sarcastic brat, gimme a hug.
I know I have. But for your sake it will never be far from the forfront of my mind.
Ew no, get off. I'm totally kidding, here. (}) sorry, the best I can do without real emoticons and I'm to lazy to go find one.
Thank you. That actually means quite a lot.
That was mean.
There, I've finally done something right. Glad to be of help.
(})(})(})(})(})(})(})(})(})(}) Sorry.
What do you mean finally? You usually do that quite a lot.
friendship
