You don't have to do anything special, there shouldn't even be a need in life for really good deeds (because when there is, it's because someone else is in need). People are praising you because you haven't done anything bad and because you're coping as best you can, that's enough. And also to try to correct low self esteem.

You're quite right (and I'd've never thought of the words) - that only those that have lost themselves and see no way out say that nobody understands, because I think they can't imagine someone  getting better from that, so when they see people coping easier they pressume they've never gone through it. And those that have worked their way out might end up taking a radically different viewpoint that looks like they don't understand, but is because they're trying to break the cycle of negative feelings. There will always be people who genuinely don't (but claim to) - and you know you can't rely on what they claim, have to see for yourself, but be open that there may be more to things than meets the eye. Also nobody has anyway of knowing how deep anyone else's pain was, so nobody can really make a comparison or fairly claim they understand, even though they might.

Don't worry about being numb What makes someone able to enjoy the highs of life is also what makes it crushingly painful when it doesn't happen - it's like spiritual cocaine, and eventually when you adjust to having it, it loses it's effect and you just end up depepndant again. I'm still coming off it myself.
Practise and restraint will eventually sort out any hostile feelings

Oh Em; we all want what you want, my friend. But with teaching yourself those other things, you have to teach yourself to give unconditionally, without looking for anything at all in return. Because it is only when we give it all up...give up the struggle, give up the seeking, give up the stress of not having, that we free up the universe, and God, to allow us to receive what we have given and so much more.

When we try too hard on our own, God thinks that WE think that we don't need him any more and he steps back.  You see, there is a joy in giving like nothing else, and it has a return in and of itself.  In return, we receive the joy of doing for other, of being unselfish, of being kind and knowing that we are walking in God's will.  God is never too late, but always, always on time, and will give us the desires of our heart in his timing and in his way. But when he does, we will know for sure that it has all been worth the wait.

In the meantime, keep inspiring people with your love, your giving and empathetic spirit.  Keep showing God's love, because that may be the only love they ever see...thru you as God's instrument...and, when you have surrendered all, and least expect it...you will find love better than your wildest dreams...and certainly not one of the fake variety.

I love you and am praying for you Emily.  I am truly proud of you, for letting out your feelings, just as Misterskank suggested, as well as for making an about face to the things in life that don't matter, and turning to what does and will, forever!

Yeah I know. Everyone wants it, so I'm probably not any different. *Sighs* And I couldn't quite comprehend your reply, but I'm going to try my best and see if I can get my stupid head to act right.

Yeah but... (Okay this is gonna sound repetitive) the God's-will thing is so gosh darn difficult for me. One quarter of the time I feel like He doesn't want me with Him. And I'm generally not a patient person. I used to be, and I dunno what really happened to it. ...But I'm working on it, and may I add, it's very....very... difficult. Sometimes when I try working on cleaning up some of my faults, it just seems like everything around me/in my life just tends to get worse, for some reason. Or like when I leave something bad (for example, Dixie) my life just crumbled. Everything just got worse. I can't really tell right now if things have gotten better since I had left her. I'll be honest, there's a really big part of me that misses her company. Maybe it's the fact that I feel like I've got nobody to talk to. ...And they probably won't come for a long time. Eh, well, at least I've got God, I guess... Despite the fact that I can't really... Feel as close to Him as I would with a friend here on earth. If you get what I'm saying...

I'm trying on "following God's will" part, and showing the good sides of me - the empathy/sympathy, love, care, joy, etc. And I'm even trying really really hard to be nice to everyone - even to those who I don't like/don't like me. And about the surrendering part, when I strayed away, I didn't want God to do anything with my life. But now that I've found Him, I want Him to do something with my life (maybe He already has, I really don't know), but at the same time, I've got plans for my life that I want to come true but yet He probably has different plans for it. I really like knowing/being in control of what's going on in my life, but at the same time, I want God to use me somehow. I know I haven't surrendered everything to Him. I've still got some dreams and stuff I'm clutching to tightly, and I don't feel like I'm ready to give them up.  I dunno when I'll be ready, either. (Grief, I sound so selfish and like the worst Christian ever...)

Love you too, Bonnie. I can't express how much I appreciate your comments, your compassion, and you taking the time to listen to me ramble when you could spend your time doing much more important/worthwhile things rather than take the time to talk to me.

God Bless You.

I read the first and last paragraphs, my sweet friend and I know you have struggle...but it is no bother at all to listen to you and give you encouragement. But as I said, I was in your shoes as well and would have wanted someone to encourage me...so here I am!

Sorry I couldn't read it all now, but my bottom hurts too much to stay on here long.  Just remember, it doesn't hurt my butt to pray...and I am doing that right now...God bless you, Emmy and keep on keeping on, okay?

Lotz of love.

I can't express how much those words mean to me, Bonnie... Thanks so much. I'm going to schedule another appointment with that Child & Youth worker guy, to see if he can give me some options as to what to do about my depression that keeps reoccurring often.

And don't concern yourself over it.

Lots of love right back.

Thank you, sweetie...
You do that; he seems to be a great man and will be a great help, I think.  Maybe you just need a tiny pill for a little while...?

Agreed, but the thing is, when I had depression before - all the medication I took either made me really tired or really moody. Mom thinks going to the doctor again is a bad idea because the same thing'll happen. So I guess I'm stuck here in the meantime.

Well, what about therapy at least...someone you can see and speak to every single week, without fail, whether you want to or not?

The only thing I've pretty much got right now is the Child & Youth worker - but I don't wanna go out of my way to bother him or anything like that. I'm pretty sure he'll let me see him every week, but mom won't get me any help. I think she's just trying to deny that there's something wrong with me... I even told him that my mother knows I used to cut and everything, and he said "everything is confidential, but if you're planning to harm yourself in some way or if somebody is planning to harm you, then we gotta let somebody know."
...There's no point in letting somebody know if they aren't going to do anything to help me.

Well there are times when the worker can take you for help without their consent if he feels you need it.  We are all duty bound to keep people from harming themselves, and if it means an emergency room or psych ward, then so be it.  If I hadn't been sent there, I would still be going mad or be dead by now.

That, I never knew. But I doubt my condition isn't serious enough for him to take me to therapy or a doctor...

I guess you are right, but as soon as the word suicide comes out, he can, so that you can be under surveillance until you definitely decide you are not suicidal.  That's why I went in a Police Car...I "ALLOWED" them to take me "AGAINST" my wishes, so that I could not leave before they said I was okay. If I had just checked myself in, I may have changed my mind before I was okay to go home, and they cycle may have started all over again.

Oh. I never knew that. I thought the worst they would do was call your parents or something... But wouldn't my parents eventually know somehow? I mean, you know, suicide is a pretty serious topic and would be a little bit unusual for somebody to not notify their parents that their child has suicide on their mind...

OH, of course they would, but the parental rights for that particular situation would be taken away just until the threat was over.  No...they most certainly would be informed, but like as the minor is already on the way.  My husband and family could not do anything about it when I was already there...since I was there for my own good and I could hurt myself or others.

Yeah, that's what I figured. I don't know if I said "I'm thinking about suicide" would be serious enough to drive somebody to tell somebody else, though, or, for that matter, get me some medical help. I find that my depression, despite me thinking that it is serious, isn't serious enough... But really, I have a feeling if I don't get help soon, I'm either gonna hurt myself in some way/somebody else in some way, or, I'm just gonna go bonkers. If doing something drastic is the way to tell somebody that I seriously need some help and need some attention, because nothing else is working, then I seriously dunno what I'll do. What, do I need to write out planned suicides or something that serious just to say "OI! I'm getting worse, and you still think I'm okay?!"

I don't know what to tell you , except my age old advice to keep consulting the Lord and his word about what you should do.  And yes; if you are desperate, do whatever you have to do.

I love you dear.