blog
You may have heard how “everyone has their own little thing, or does something, to escape their reality”. That’s it. I write to escape my reality, and I dive and dig deep into my inner core to come up with the pieces of writing that you may or may not be entertained by. Writing is a fantasy, where I don’t have to THINK about what I’m saying. It’s a place I often visit several times a day where I don’t have to worry about being judged on the most passionate and deepest parts of me.
A writer named Isaac Asimov once said, “I write for the same reason I breathe; because if I didn’t, I would die.” – That is what I call my ‘life’ quote. It’s a quote that will travel alongside me for the rest of my life, I’m proud to say.
No matter what people say, the fire and spirit of creativity will not die.
No matter what gets in my way, I still will write. I don’t care what it takes; I will NOT let such a lifelong partner perish just because of something as weak, insecure, and measly as the human being.
You may recall, through several entries, how I continuously state how “I’m not the same person as I was two years ago.” Well, unfortunately for you, I’ll repeat it again – I’m not the same person, and I know for a fact, that I will never ever revert back to her.
I will tell you right now, straight up – if I was there where you’re currently sitting at your computer, reading this blog, I would shake you by the shoulders and tell you:
“Don’t let ANYONE under ANY circumstance PLAY with your feelings, emotions, or mind!” – That was a lesson I learned too late in a certain relationship that I managed to escape last month.
Because people have toyed around with me: they’ve torn me down, then lifted me into their arms, they’ve dragged me down into the never-ending pit with them, and then they would somehow find a way to get back to where they started – at the top of the pit – with me still remaining within the blackness. Humans have took me by the arm, treated me like I was fragile (which I am) and precious, and then they would magically take a dagger out from behind their back and brutally stab me with it thousands of times.
The human nature has hurt me. Humans have driven me to the point where I hate my own kind. They have made me afraid of them. The human race, unfortunately, in many ways – is something that I wish not to be apart of.
But we can’t rewind the past and magically make me a turtle, now can we?
Over the past year and a half, I have been confused about many things… Like the existence of God, as you know. My purpose of life and why I’ve been put here. I like to believe that my grand purpose is to bring life to those who may seem emotionally dead. To let them know that somebody actually cares about them. My sole purpose is to let people know that they certainly alone.
Maybe that’s why I’ve experienced so many things with the inclusion of pain. Maybe that’s why I have such a helpful and listening nature. Maybe that’s why I’m over caring. Maybe that’s why I feel the way I do; the reason why I am who I am, even today.
In what I think my main, sole purpose is – I can tell you that I have been greatly successful with it.
In my past, I have overcome many obstacles – even a few addictions. I was addicted to Video Games for the longest time, and although I still play them (not as often, though) my parents were talking about sending me to a rehab clinic over that next summer in a city far away. The only reason why I didn’t go was because there were daily needles, and those are my worst fear.
I’ve also overcome a two year depression, to which my mother thought that there were demons living within me. I’ve overcome self-harm, although that wasn’t an addiction, I made a promise to never do it again (to those who have done it, you may understand how difficult it is not to do it again!).
But yet, despite how good natured I may sound – I am very dark inside. I know, I’ve said that many times before, but I’m writing this so you can understand a side of me that nobody ever sees. The second side of me is somebody who I am definitely not proud of, and unfortunately, she appears more than I would like her to.
Over the course of a year or so, I have discovered her. When she takes over my personality, I feel no remorse over the wrongs I’ve done. I end up batting hands away when they offer me help or assistance; a reaching hand to grab my own and lift me out of the abyss. I have come to learn that I can save myself in those times, only to find out that I have continued falling. I sometimes think that everything – life – is just a nightmare that I hope and pray to eventually wake up from. I just feel purely wicked and vengeful.
You can say that I’m both sane and insane at the same time. I don’t mean to put ‘insane’ in the aspect that would mean ‘give her a straight jacket’. My feelings from both sides of me are real and pure, I know that’s for sure.
I hope that gave you more understanding as to who I am.
I just often wish that there was a method of escape from this nightmare that’s been present for as long as I can remember.
