Just tell me I'm not the only one.

I did catch a few Z's.
But now I'm regretting it.

Right now I feel hatred towards myself. I wish I never was brought to the point of existence. My dream void was filled with moments and people from my past; which is generally not a great thing to experience again. In those moments, with those people, I wanted them all gone. What's the point in making a sacrifice if it's not even enough? What's the point in giving yourself to someone if they only end up making you crumble in the end? To me, it's worth nothing. A waste. Yet I'm still stupid enough to continue to make those sacrifices anyway. I'm stupid enough, after many heart breaking experiences, to lend my life to another person. It seems that I'm typically used in the long run, a small routine that my mind is yet to process and learn.

Really, what's the point in me being with other people if they're going to just make me forget who I am and bring me to the point of insanity. If only those people could know what it's like to love yourself but hate yourself at the same time. To welcome yourself as you are, but yet be afraid of yourself at the same time. It's a bit of a Jekyll and Hyde scenario. I don't even know who I am anymore, and I can't remember who I used to be in the past. The fire in my eyes has died, and there's nothing left but ashes. My heart has withered, but yet it continues to give and doesn't want to receive.

Sorry to take up your time. I just needed to get this off my chest.

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bahamat on

Re: Just tell me I'm not the only one.

That's exactly what genuine sacrifice is - a thankless task, that we do out of strong care for others, rather than ourselves, even if they can't appreciate because they don't realise. Having no personal gain means there's no shadow of selfish motive, and so no doubt you did it for the right reasons. We have to decide between ourselves and others, at almost every decision it seems.
It's not stupid not to be selfish!

You're afraid... of the future maybe? - of how you'll be inside? - maybe that if you don't look after yourself you could be in a hard position. What helped dispel fear for me was I stopped caring about my own state so much, that actually helped me relax and accept any outcome, which ironically helped me. Also, remember, there's a positive side! - Be thankful you're as sane as you are, be thankful you've overcome what you have, whatever that be, - hell, take pride in yourself for it!