Hm.

I can't really say that I'm in a good mood today. Maybe I'm PMSing again. Who knows.

Happy Easter, I s'pose.

I changed my default font colour from red to white, because I remembered this morning that the colour red releases off angry chemicals or hormones or something. There was too much red on my blog anyway.

Yesterday I woke up and started crying in the morning. I stayed in bed until the late hours of the morning. It took me great effort to motivate myself to actually get up and out of bed. When I did, I remained down in the dumps for most of the day. It was sunny out. I slept most of my afternoon. I went for a small walk outside by myself, knowing that sunlight and light in general releases what I call "happy" chemicals in the brain. It didn't work. Mom took note of how I was feeling, but she did nothing about it. I wrote a poem yesterday, I slept, and I went for a walk. Nothing I did made me feel any lighter or happier. I even told mom to not answer the phone if it was for me (Vicki tends to call on a daily basis), because I had a 0 tolerance for people. Even today, I still feel the same way.

I feel like breaking something. I feel like punishing myself for no good reason. I still feel angry, like yesterday. I don't want to be around anybody at all. I like being isolated. I like it when I'm all by myself. That way my mind wanders to a distant place where I can be who I want to be, where I'm pain-free, and where I can do whatever I want without feeling anything afterwards.

Today, Easter Sunday - I was dragged to church. There was no point in me going. There's no point in me doing anything in relation to religion now, I've discovered. Might as well "savour" my time while I'm here on this cruddy earth.

I don't even know what to DO with myself anymore.

The fam and I are going out to dinner tonight at this restaurant here in town. I'm not even hungry.

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bahamat on

Re: Hm.

I think it could be more a state of mind than anything else. Can't always be artificially 'made' happy by things like good weather, comedy or people, because you can only appreciate those things in the right state of mind - and y'know that can take energy or just a good night's kip or something. People often try to override emotions, sometimes that works, but only if you're gonna get a positive out of it... to give 2 total opposite examples - with what people take offence at and whether they get swept off their feet when dating - people expect to be 'made to feel happy' by what others say and do, but whether they do relys heavily on them (bad mood and high expectations guarantee disappointment) - and managers expect to be happy with your work, but that depends on them too, and whether they're looking positively/negatively on it - some seem determined to be disatisfied even.

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bonniegirl on

Re: Hm.

I agree with Matt...stop feeling sorry for yourself, DECIDE you are going to have a good day, and that is ninety percent of the battle. You went outside, EXPECTING nothing to work...you are trying to get attention in this negative way, instead of doing your best and getting attention that way. People will automatically withdraw from negative people, so you will just make your situation escalate, instead of diminish by being this way.

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Geekity14 on

Re: Hm.

I used to say, "I'm gonna have a good day today!" and sometimes I have the worst day ever.

I want to say something right now. But I'm going to bite my tongue and not say it. It's out of anger and I'll end up regretting it.

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bonniegirl on

Re: Hm.

Well, then, that was an exercise in discipline, so good for you...I know you're mad but that is okay; you will get over it, and I will have said what I feel. I only tell you these things because I love and want what is best for you, and you know it. And you know you have many good days, more than bad ones when your attitude was different.

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Geekity14 on

Re: Hm.

I don't have much to say to that except that you're right in every way, shape, and form. (Shape?)

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bonniegirl on

Re: Hm.

Oops...nope...not right in my shape, unfortunately...giggle!

I have just committed my body to him, as well as my mind and spirit. I have asked him to renew my mind, so that I don't run to food for comfort, because gluttony is also a sin and since my body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, I am sure he wants a healthy dwelling....and I want the ABUNDANT life he has promised....so think some happy thoughts while I decrease my intake by half....

After all, that is why waste is called waste....you are actually wasting all that food anyway because your body doesn't need it and it comes out as waste or onto my waist...lol!

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Geekity14 on

Re: Hm.

Regardless of the fact that all sin is equal, I think food is one of those best choices rather than turning to something else and indulging in that. If you get what I mean. I never knew gluttony was a sin. What if some people can't help their weight? Are there no exceptions for them...?

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bonniegirl on

Re: Hm.

Not being ABLE to control your weight, and purposefully gorging on food just because it is so great, are two completely different things. I know that I have perpetually overeaten for the body size I am supposed to be...just because I like the taste of the food and get greedy.

Gluttony is just like any other habit and is developed over a course of time. Sometimes, you don't even know that it is slipping up on you. Something tastes good, and, against your better judgment, you go back for more, and it starts a habit of overeating....and can be a comfort to you, also like alcohol or drugs does for others. It is often the only thing that a person can control if they feel their life is out of control. I find I eat to make for lacks in other areas, but it is no excuse...so I am asking God to help me to get rid of it, so I can be healthy and not dependent on food, but the Holy Spirit as my comforter.

That doesn't mean I won't eat nice things; only that I will control the portions.