Happy Birthday, Grampy! ^^ -- Is it all really worth it?

Well, I don't actually call my grandfather 'grampy'. But today's his 80th birthday, so my family and I went out to dinner with them and a few other relatives. It was alright, but I got bored sometimes - hey, most of the people at the table were seniors, so they didn't really talk to me much. I was talking with my cousin, though, who has two kids of her own - 6, Olivia, and Brody, who's 4. They're both very cute. =) I've been babysitting them with my younger brother tagging along. They really like us. My cousion, Lisa, has a very good feeling she'll be in need of a babysitter soon, which is good. I don't really care about the money, really. I do it for the kids. ^^ (Ain't I nice? XD)

She was also offering to colour my hair. She told me she thought that a really dark, brownish-reddish colour would look nice on me - since I have really dark, deep eyes. I told her it sounded like fun, and I really wouldn't mind trying it out... But I'm second guessing a bit. I'm unsure of what to do.

I was also talking with my mom. I told her I didn't mind having my hair short, but what I DID mind was the reactions I got from passerbys because of it. (Y'see, no average girl at my school has short hair. Most of them have it long, so most of the people in my school look at me kinda weird...)
I also told her that because of that, I thought having really short hair made my self-esteem lower. (It already is kinda low, but I`m trying to work on it...) I confessed to her why I wanted to grow my hair out. I told her I thought it would make me look pretty. As I said that, I was on the verge of tears.

I have a real problem with accepting who I am. I know, from reading my past blog entries, that that probably shocks you a little - with my talk of how I'll one day do something with my life and somehow impact others.
It's not like I totally hate myself, I do like some parts of me - but most of that is within my personality. I like the fact that I'm a geek, and that I "stand out". I like the fact that I'm a unqiue individual, and I like school subjects that most students don`t.

The problem is that I feel very self-conscious with my physical attributes. The only thing that I do like about myself physically is my eyes. Some girls come up to me and say that I have very pretty eyes, and I say the same back. Many girls even tell me that they wish they had my eyes, or my eyelashes. (I don't even need to wear mascara, because it looks like I already have it on! Pretty handy, eh?)

But, other than that - I find I have a lot of faults with my body image. I wish my hair would grow quicker, so that it could be longer - and other students in the hallway would stop having to guess what my gender is. It really doesn't help that I`m so flat-chested, either. I'm pretty much the smallest size that there is, and I found out a month or two ago that I shrunk from a 34 A to a 32 A. And just when I thought that I was gaining my way to a B...
I don`t have a bum, either. Well, I do - but I don't have one that sticks out, like I notice with other girls that flaunt what they have. I feel ashamed because I don't have anything to flaunt.
My skin isn't great. Acne invades my face, and I have my dad's eyebrows - which are really thick and bushy. I also have the odd hairs that grow in-between them, but it's nothing noticeable.

I must admit, I have decent legs, though - and a few of my family members say that I have a "model figure". I brush that off. I don't want to be a model, anyway - not even if I had the looks for it.

I continuously ask myself if being pretty is actually worth it. Go ahead, think I'm crazy. It would gain me attention from boys, and people wouldn't be afraid to approach me. But being pretty on the outside would mean I would have to sacrifice myself... I would have to sacrifice my geekiness that I like so much, and so many other things that I can't think of right now.
...If being "pretty" means having to be somebody that I'm not, is it really all that worth it? All I ever wanted to know throughout my life was the answer to the question I often asked myself... And still do...
"Am I... Pretty?" - I'm begginning to think no...

I've decided to combine the two monologues into one, and I'm gonna be doing some hardcore memorizing tonight, tomorrow, and on Monday. Since nothing out of the ordinary will be occuring, I might not be updating for the next day or so - but I'll still sign on every once in a while to check up on whatever.
Wish me luck!