girl next door
the world is different now. people get together cause of love, not arranged marriages.
but even so. half the marriages last. via arranged or love. so...50/50 shot?
i know my cafe manager today told me she's getting a divorce. she loved him only cause of the marriage, but hated him as a person. so she decided it was time.
im sorry you feel spun out. was it something i said? i hope not.
A note, about 10 years later, I ran into this same woman I mentioned above. I was walking out of a store, and there she was, standing behind a hotdog cart. Our eyes met, she murmured a "Hey", I just turned and started walking away without saying a word. Then she called out my name..and I kept walking, then she yelled, "I'm sorry". I got in my car and left.
Too little too late, but at least she did have a conscious, there was good after all. I guess some people you just have to dig deeper, and it takes a tragedy to bring it out.
Of course, I am relating sex and love and other emotions and how I see them and projecting them onto other people, maybe she really did love me, maybe she never stopped loving her ex boyfriend, maybe like Matt/Bahmat was saying, maybe she just was insecure and was acting out, or maybe she was just horny as hell. I put too much value on my thoughts and feeling I think. I need to let it all go and just try to have fun.
You didn't say anything wrong, but yes, you are part of the reason I do feel spun out, just opening my eyes to the world as others see it, and not looking threw my own eyes, with my narrow views anymore. Its all good, I am trying to say, nothing to worry about. I think all in all, my mind is just expanding as I think it needs to do for me to survive in this day and age.
It is hard for women to break a sense on nurturement to people, even those that hurt us (which she probably went back to cause she knew him best and how to care for him best. even though we dont make these conscious decisions. feminism and all. we still do. dont ask. women are weird.). I'm not saying love...but there's definitely nurturement. I do it to my friends. i try to nurture them the best i can...mainly cause i have no man to cook meals for. or make pretty table centers. or do something little but thoughtful that would be remembered, not as a tremendous act, but a loving one.
its those small moments that i love. that i miss, but in the beginning with my latest ex...never got. (he gave me flowers...once...fake ones...i prefer real)
first ex, he was all about that. random little post it notes saying i love you's. a single rose placed randomly where i'd find it. He even had customers deliver cards to me with little sayings in them. And sure they were small (besides the customers acting like UPS) I remember them. quite vividly. *actually tearing up...sorry*
so i say that! in response to no, you should value your thoughts, feelings, yourself! you are your own being. and you will have your way of thinking, and thoughts of how things are meant to be.
she obviously thought sleeping around (for whatever reason, insecurities, horniess, what have you) was what she was meant to do. that was her conscious decision. If she didn't ask you before hand, or even thought of your side to begin with....then what was she thinking? just for herself. and now she's probably just that. by herself.
then again, she may have loved you very much! but didnt know what to do with it, show it, let you feel it. how to control it. or even knew what the right thing to do with in ya'lls relationship (cause every relationship has a different set of whats right and whatnot...mmmm baby seal meat)
Me? I'm just horny as hell. and i have no other guy to say no to my lifestyle. (well one is, but since he thought it was fine to let me go, i say he has no control in what i do in my life..also considering he's 1500 miles away. I never cheated on him. Never would have.)
Sorry telling you my side, south of the border (Ha! usually people say that meaning mexico. but your in canada so it still works!) I wont stop talking unless you tell me too. I'll just randomly apologize, to keep myself humble and to let you know I appreciate you listening to me. I really do. Any ears i can get....is a..is a....a...uh....whats that word...rarity! i have you and 2 others willing to listen. i like talking to you cause we have a similar situation and feelings on some subjects. I talk to another (brian) cause he knows things from a personal side and i can get opinions if i happen to be wrong or just misconcepted. and the third...a stangerish point of view. To check I aint crazy.(he doesnt know too much or the people in my personall life personally and is in a different situation....yet he still cheated on his wife for me)
i say we go out there and slap a bulls ass! you can slap it once....but twice? thats whats tricky?
Okay, I do value myself, my feeling and my thoughts, I just meant I think..I need to just relax somewhat. Everyone is different, I mean I need to accept other people feeling and thoughts and not judge them. I think I do that, not meaning to, I always say that I do not judge others, but I think I did just the same.
Who knows what this girl was thinking? Who knows why any of the relationships I have had that failed, why they did not work? Just the way things go, not everyone is compatible, not everyone has the same hopes and dreams..it is just the way it is. THAT is what I need to accept. Its not me, and not them..it was life, and it happened, and there is nothing left to do execpt take what you learned, and move on, hopfully a litte wiser the next time around.
We all have our sad stories, we all have been threw different things that definds who we are...ahh even here, I am just thinking TOOOO MUCH.
I have to let it go, and just live.
Don't ever have to apologize to me, I love to hear your side of things, and yeah, I find I can relate to much of what you say you have been threw. I can always appreciate any insight into whatever it is we are talking about.
One thing you mentioned here, I use to love to do, that is doing the little things for someone special...that I miss doing now. Buying flowers for no reason but to say I love the person, little post it notes, or going out to dinner, just for the hell of it. Just to be together.
and when she went back to her ex, thats life, women always go back, they dont think about anything to be honest, theres plenty enough girls like that around where i live. thats why i dont get involved.
they sleep around and treat you like you didnt see anything and you are dumb. when all you did was stay and try to make something out of that relationship, and with her being blind to what she had right in front of her *thats you mate 
* she carried on regardless, and she is the one losing out on what couldve been a strong meaningful long lasting relationship, but instead she picked what she thought was best, and you cannot change what someone else thinks, i wish you could but you cant.
still... you came out better mate and good luck to you 
E7LI0TT
It's just a matter of finding those people.
Just have to be selfish too I guess? That why when they come out, it doesn't hurt so much.
Think of all those who tried to warn you (out of malice or care, it doesn't matter).
I say just be careful. You already are living for yourself (everyone is, and this ISN'T selfish... just... true), so continue to do so...be true to yourself (ie listen to your instincts) and all that cheesey stuff. It's not selfish to do what you feel needs doing, what you WANT to do while staying in your borders of morals. Facing the consequences of such is what selfish people avoid.
And anyways, about that girl- she probably was abused family-wise too... that's why she stuck with the abuser in the end, slept around with people who didn't give a shit, etc. It's not your fault you couldn't help her, since not many can except for herself.
Point is now, I am in a way behaving like her, but I am honest and I told these people I met I do not feel like I am falling for them but that seems to just make them try harder to please me...messed up world we live in.
I have been called names I never thought people would call me, egotistical, obnoxious and cocky to name but a few and they still love me anyway and when I treat a woman like gold, they lose interest in me.
Anyway, whats your story, who are you, what are your interests and the like?
...<.< Yeah, I know... >.> I don't know why that is. We like dominate guys? Dunno.
I'm Amanda. I'm... a girl, living in California, writing about randomness that she feels like writing. I like art, the beach, writing (about randomness, I suck at other kinds of writing for the most part), kitty-cats, and... er... stuff? I have issues with boys I like too much who are, yes, assholes, and then boys who love me who are total sweet hearts but... no spark. v.v
Very whacked, nifty world, indeed.
Yeah, thats right, I met her on the internet, and we started talking via phone and next thing I knew three years and countless converstions has passed. Her and I had made plans to spend our lives together but it didn't work out in the end, and it has been almost a year since then, I really just want to move on. Tired of feeling sorry for myself over a person I never even touched.
So, now even though I posted this blog not that long ago, suddenly I have a new perspective on things. She loved the man she had a child with, and I was just a distraction, maybe her way of trying to get over him. I did try to do everything to please her, in short behaved like her slave so I can see now...why she lost respect for me.
I understand because now, I am living it. I did not mean for this to happen, I always thought of myself as a very caring, loving and trustworthy person. I tried to meet people to move on, they seem to be getting attached to me, and when I tell them I cannot reciprocate, they try even harder.
Well, I could go on, but the point is I am dominate now, and distant..and the woman I met seem to really love that..weird. One even said to me, when I was being a total ass, and giving her orders..I stopped and said..you know youy really don't have to listen to me she sighs and says, "from a man to a mouse in 9 seconds". I don't get it, but it is kind of fun, I am just worried about really hurting someone, that is the last thing I want to do.
Must be nice living in California, ever see anyone famous? lol. I am in northern Ontario in Canada, and we have more than 6 feet of snow on the ground here. I wonder why it is girls like bad boys, btw I am 38 and although I am single I have two daughters, 7 and 13 and I worry about my oldest, she is already expressing an interest in boys and that makes me want to cry!
Anyway, I am at work as I post this XD, I have to get back to the tasks at hand.
...that lady was really blunt. Hm. Well, isn't it better to ACT the ass and have good intentions instead of actually being an ass inside who pretends to have good intentions? To take it from a silly song about emo's, "She says she already has a pussy, she doesn't need another one." XD At least in my instance, I go after the bad boy's, always hoping that they have something good in 'em. To see it, though, and constantly... er... is a turn off. Seeing brief and vague moments of it... just sparks curiousity. No idea why this is. Hence my life's dilemma at the moment. -.-
Nope. And it's okay. Canada is GORGEOUS. Ever seen Lake Louise? Most breath-taking scene I've ever seen. I went in the morning and I was little so I didn't pay much attention to the beauty for very long and went to chase the squirrals and birds... but... mm... I remember. The air up there is so much better, too.
Have you talked to her about- well, stuff you'd think she wouldn't need to know about until she was (you hope) WAY older? Ahem... sex. >.> I don't know what it's like in Canada... as I've always hoped you guys were way less corrupted... but uhm, down here, at least from what I've heard- the age when humans have sex is lowering. Scary. <.< So... talk (not isolate... because that usually does the opposite- bad boys to the rescue~!)? I'm 20, no kids, and there hasn't been snow in this particular area since I was like... six. And that was mini hail. X)
And, I was so heartbroken when it ended, athough, oddly enough I could tell we had been drifting apart for months and I knew the day it was going to end was inevitable. That is part of the real me, a sentimental old fool, but life goes on. With us, or without, unfortuanately.
I think too, it would be better to have a nice guy that likes to 'play the game' than a real ass that pretends to be nice..but who knows. To be honest right now I don't feel like such a nice, sweet guy but I am happy I am honest with woman in my life, they know there is more than one interest in my life so I am sure they have their guard up at least some..or what do I know, I never had this happen in my life before and I am waiting for it to blow up and everything to go wrong..but so far that has not happened. It has been a very short time frame all this has happened to me, talking maybe six weeks.
I just seen Lake Louise in pictures, I am pretty far from that area. It does look spectacular though, I have to admit. I would love to go there someday, it is nice here too, were I live, even winter has its own splender, just the cold is what is not fun at all.
About my oldest daughter, yes her and I have discussed..sex..and boys, etc. Her mom is not a typical mother, not really someone can talk about anything so I do what I can. I just have to trust her judgement and tell her that she does not have to keep any secrets from me. I think it is just as corrupt here as there. Sex is used too much now to sell products and with the internet it is too easy to get exposed to that material, I know one of her friends sent her a link to some hardcore porn..but she came and told me, so..so far she is a good girl, lol. Hope she stays like that until she is 30 
