I think i can relate - at work I keep trying to make good samples but I keep getting in trouble for results that are waaaay out - like 3 times what they should be - but i know I didn't make that degree of error, it's not even possible with what I use - but still i get blamed

Thing is, if it's circumstance, then you know it's not your fault - you've done what you can, you've done more than is fair, or that a more successful person would've done. I admire your willpower in fighting - and luckily (apart from gettting food) survival is largely passive, compared to something like exams where you're threatened to perform - with life you're a success just for surviving, albeit through hard times.

I used to cut, because I blamed myself, and I needed a release but wouldn't want to hurt another person - but out of their own ignorance people treated me worse for it than someone who vented by hurting others. I see cutting as a call for help, look within - and I will also help where I can although I don't know your mind as well as you do. My feeling is that most psychologists just try to buy time with comfort, that they either don't have answers to sort depression out once and for all, or that it's hard to put mindstates and feelings into tangible words

I suppose that's true, about the surviving as long as you're alive. >.>  Woot, I've found success!! We are all successful RIGHT NOW!!! :3

It's true. I don't want to hurt anyone else, but I don't want all of this stress. This time I think was different than before, because I didn't need to ( as in, it's not like I couldn't stop myself), I was just trying to reduce stress so I could perform better on my exams... among other things of course. But the exams are really important and I wanted some relaxation that nothing else could give.

I think it is difficult to put feelings into words, and I often find trouble expressing how I feel. One, because I seem to have trouble with words, also because words just don't exist to describe feelings sometimes, and I'm used to hiding them because people get upset or blame me and always make it worse whenever I talk to them about, or express any emotions. I guess it's kind of a defence, so I don't end up feeling worse. I know it's good to talk to someone, but if with everyone yo utalk to, they just insult you and say it's your fault you feel the way you do, I think it's having a worse consequence than never talking at all. Just in my experience, of course.

I wonder if the importance of the exam might've been making relaxing more difficult - so it might be hard to look objectively and tell your body to relax because of pressure - i tried to just take my mind completely off, and could only do that by losing track of time. Sleep is good if nothing else, it interupts +blanks out a chain of thought, like stress.

Indeed it has always stuck me as wierd how it's hard to pin down feelings, or even identify what they are sometimes. As one example, for ages I also didn't have a word for frustration, because I thought that word meant the same thing as anger, because they can occur together, but they're seperate.
But I think we don't really have control over what we feel - if we did then depression wouldn't exist at all! People who blame you for how you feel or what you express are just @$$#0!£$ who 'expect' everyone to look superficially happy, even though it's unhealthy + effort to pretend - i think expressing it is part of dealing with it, because otherwise it just stays on our minds. Anyway, by all means get anything you feel off your chest, it's good for you, and because I know that it doesn't phase me at all

Yeah, probably. It isn't like any other exams.. they didn't decide my future... >.> I have sleep problems. I don't really get tired. I can go days on a few hours of sleep. I can work on 1 hour or so and be fine for the day...

I like sleep though, I'm just able to do without it... I took sleeping pills for the first exam.

I agree. I think sometimes we choose how to express it, but the feelings themselves aren't all our faults. However, often we make things worse, depending on what we say to ourselves, etc. considering what the situation is. If we said something wrong and start insulting ourselves, it kind of is ourselves causing the feelings, but it isn't necessarily our fault that we do that. ( low self esteem problems, bullying, etc.). But yeah.. anyone who makes fun of or blames you, is dumb. I've had that too often. So usually pretending everything is okay works better for me so I'm not bothered. And I don't find it hard to act, usually. I enjoy theatre- and hope to pursue it as a career someday, so here's practice! ha! >.>

I like sleep too - I have about 6 a day (hours, not naps! ) but I need what I do get - otherwise I get headaches. I don't get the oppertunity to lay in because of 2 jobs.

With exams I once heard of some stuff called "Rescue remedy" which contains brandy and is supposed to calm your nerves - but apparently it's a spider magnet + people were having them crawl up their legs + on the desk! - at least it takes their mind off exam i s'pose.

I sometimes wonder if saying something, verbally or to ourselves, is really any different than thinking it - because it would still be there as an issue, but where's the sense in tricking ourselves? - other than if we needed to to cope, maybe. I think my feelings are of less intensity than they used to be - so I can just passively accept any situation - but I worry that I can't  grasp the gravity of my mistakes anymore - i tell myself "I'm a bastard for doing that",  and where before that would've been  powerful,  I just  think back "What of it?".

Interestingly, sometimes if something bothers me, if I don't like accepting the idea I will debate for it (as if I agree with it) in the hope that someone will (in time) be able to shoot it down for me - but this sometimes makes me look like a bastard - one example is when my manager said "what makes you think you deserve a day off" - and I can't identify what does really decide what someone deserves, is it just a perspective thing?

Haha.. 6 naps, oh the joys that would be! XD Yeah...

Ha! Oh my... For one, I don't drink. and I don't have a problem with spiders but I don't want them on me, invading my space.

Hmm.. that's interesting. I think I kind of understand. Sometimes my feelings seem to numb themselves for a bit, but I don't think it's the same. It depends what's going on and how much free time I have to think abotu stuff,. etc. I feel love intensely, but I think it's less than before because I released some of it... when we hung out once. Before I was so bursting with it, which I kinda am now. But I think it's safer now. Love just feels so wonderful, even if it hurts horribly. I try to ignore feelings more. So I do better at more important things.

Hmm.. I've never done that. I argue my point, and if someone comes up with a good argument against it, I will think about it.

mm. I agree. it's all about perspective.

For me the apprehension causes me so much pain that I always back away from love - I have never had the guts to overcome it and make it happen, so I havn't realised any feeling beyond that - to me even trying seems to achieve nothing more than to cause all involved pain, or disturbance, or embarassement, it's as if that's all that form of love is to me, so I withdrew myself from the game, for the benefit of all involved, and I find a new way to cope without it, which makes me more flexible with whatever life throws at me .

I suppose, like with job interviews, the apprehension happens because I care, for me to be more relaxed + confident would need me to care less about who/what I was talking to/about

That seems kind of depressing, but if it works for you, hey, go for it. I'm  not looking right now, and I'm being happy with my single life for a change ( I've been in a relationship most of my life...) I don't want to deal with that right now, but I'm not giving up forever.

Yeah... they tell us to say, if we mess up or something, " I'm sorry I'm nervous, but this job is very important to me." Or something like that. I've had one job interview and I passed it but I was on a list and I couldn't start til a later date so I wasn't chosen. I am now trying to get a job with my french skills, so it's expecially aggrivating. I had taken an interview in which they thought my skills weren't good enough. However I was so nervous and asked her to repeat something twice.. I asked to take it again and she said to keep in contact for when they do student interviews in June. So yeah. I need work on my pronounciation, though. Plus, they ask such odd random questions!! Ugh. 

I'm sorry, hun.  That sucks.  I have been down that road...where nothing goes my way.  It's hard.  But you have to have faith that it will get better.

 

~*Rebekah*~*316*~

I have faith that it could get better or worse. I like my philosophy better. Nothing against you, but positivity and negativity both annoy me. You can't assume it will go one way or another for sure. I consider both and just accept that. It makes me feel better. Thank you, though. I know you're just trying to help. 

That's ok

 

Not everyone has the same beliefs and yes, we all should accept that there are hard times in this world.  It's part of life.  So, yeah, I basically agree with you.

 

~*Rebekah*~*316*~

 

Having hope that positive things will happen, is what gets most people through their hard times.

Yeah. I don't think I'm like most people. The disappointment that comes after hoping things would get better when they didn't, hurts more than sitting on the fence knowing they can go either way. Just me, I guess. whatever works. 

I'm not like most people either.

~*Rebekah*~*316*~

I didn't say you were. So what helps you through hard times? 

My faith in God, my family, friends, reading.  Sometimes if it's too much I retreat into my imaginary world.  It sometimes helps to see the world through the eyes of my imagination. 

 

 

~*Rebekah*~*316*~

I know you didn't

This isn't an insult, but I find that's common among lots of people, and  it works for them. I just don't think it works for me. Like I said, whatever works. : )

That's true.  Most people use what I do to cope.

 

I agree.  Not all people use my method or yours to cope. I mean, not everyone is the same.

 

~*Rebekah*~*316*~

I think hope is one way of coping, and it can kinda buy people time, but it's painful too, and in some (but not all) cases a distortion on our perspective of reality. If you hope for something you're not fully satisfied + happy for your current situation to stay like it is indefinitely - so something must be making you think that what you hope for is in some way better, but why should it be?

actly.E argh. I'm not even going to fix that. I never wait til it loads and it messes up my message.