So last night I was reflecting on my life, like I usually do. I kept thinking about the times when my former best friends and I hung out and I couldn't help but cry because I know it'll never be the same way again and it's gone. Sure I'll make new memories with new friends but the fact is that us three will never hang out again, things changed completely. I'm not even friends with one of them. And I kept telling myself "It's nothing, it's nothing, get over it!" but I can't help but miss what we had. Things were so great. I couldnt stop crying.
So I decided to write some things down. Even then I felt lame about it, but I felt it was something I should do anyways. So many times I think I'm okay and I feel fine, but then I come around and realise I was really just fooling myself. I act a lot. Like, almost all the time. I guess I'm afraid to show my feelings... which I think sounds stupid, but it might actually be true. I never thought I had a problem with it, but I may have just been thinking about my acting. If I know how I'm supposed to feel and if it's all just pretend, I can act easily. But if it's my own feelings, I'm lost.
Ever since I began writing poetry, that was my way of expressing myself. But I havn't been writing much lately. I just think whatever I write sounds cliche and I hate when things are unorginal. I've realized almost all of my poems are about love, which again I think is stupid. I hate love poems. It may sound immature, but it's true. As I said, I hate things that are unoriginal and most love poems I come across are all the same. I like to think mine are different, but I doubt it. It discourages me to write, even though I don't write for other people nor for it to sound good, I just hate when it sounds like everything else I've read. I don't even really want to share it 'cause it uses crappy metaphors and stuff, but I'll post it anyways.
So here's what I wrote last night (from my diary)...beware for bad comparisons, confusing phrase construction and general emotionalness...I wasn't exactly thinking but come on, give me a chance? >< or not. your choice.
" So my life's been a bit shattering lately. Little bits keep breaking and falling away from the big picture and sometimes it gets replaced but it doesn't feel right 'cause it's all so unfamiliar. Change is a familiar thing 'cause it happens all the time, and we're constantly forced to adapt, but then you're picked up and plucked out of everything you're used to, and adapting is common but that doesn't make it easy. Little changes can be hard to adapt with as it is. I love change, I really do. I may have a negative outlook on it, or fear it to the point of tears, imagining what mu life would be like if certain changes occured, but most change in my life, although extremely negative and difficult to bear at times, and almost making me give up completely and stop caring about everything, has made room for better things to happen later. but right now the picture keeps breaking and it's like I'm trying all the wrong pieces and right now I'm thinking about how lame and cliche this sounds. So I compare it to every thing else in my life that may have begun with great potential but I ruined it and I'm alone and lost again. I try not to be so pessimistic, and not blame myself, but who else's fault would it be? I control my actions and decisions. I love fear but this just hurts. It's terrifying but I feel so empty. Maybe it's just terrifying because I feel so empty. 24h32 "
tears
