I can understand and relate to everything you are saying, I know what you mean. I have been threw what you are going threw.

 

Maybe we should try talking, see if we can find that connection we both know is so rare and difficult to find. I know, worse time to look for a relationship is when still dealing with the loss of someone you love, maybe we can distract and support one another, at the very lease.

 

Either way, I think most people have these feelings at one time or another, even though I do not know you personally, yet, I can say I care about you. You deserve to be happy just like anyone else.

 

You are happy to be yourself, well that is the best thing of all, you should be. People who do not accept you for who you are do not deserve your time, I think anyway.

 

Keep that chin up, I am sure things will get better, for us both sooner or later. *Hugs*

I'm sure a lot of people have, it's just not something they talk about in general conversation, usually.

Maybe. Getting started is the hardest. I find asking questions is a good way to begin to know someone. We can only see, I guess.

Thanks.

I know that to be true, and I'd rather people hate me for who I am than like me for who I'm not. It's just be nice to be liked sometimes, too.

I hope so, but it has been this way awhile. I keep trying and failing. I don't want to give up but it's just so exhausting... thanks, *hugs*

I know this guy, I trust him, I was surprised to see you two meet, but I think we all want the same thing, and he found you because he's trying, just like you
yeah, I think go for it, talking would be good company for both of you

Y'know though that you're not expedible, people won't always realise what they have but you've gotta believe in yourself - and value yourself, for your own sake - why should you torture yourself just because of them? - If they don't appreciate you, that's their problem, you wouldn't want other people to do that to themselves, at least not when they don't deserve it. It's not within your control what they decide to do, they take what they get and decide (which includes any lack of understanding they may have), it has nothing to do with you

Do you mean feelnuninspired? Sounds like a stupid question but at first  had no idea what you were talking about! >.<

I know.. I don't think I am all of these things, it's just how I feel a lot. Sometimes I think, well what does it really matter if I think I am all of these things, and no one else does? What's the point? I can sit at home thinking about all these things I am or am not, but it really doesn't change anything. I know my worth isn't judged by how other people value me, but I do care what the people I care about, feel about me, and how important I am to them. I guess if I'm not important enough to them, they shouldn't be to me, but sometimes they are. 

And it hurts.

yup I met him because I am friends with (who is now) his ex - I'm honour bound not to go into too much depth, that's up to him. He said in his last email that he's seen me posting all over mindsay, which made me look.

A lot of stuff like this only matters to you or the people who care for you (i.e. parents) - your wellbeing only affects you and anyone else who cares about your wellbeing - that might actually give you a little freedom from them - so you can think freely and feel whatever you need to feel without having to worry about it affecting others. If you care less about how you feel yourself, then it wouldn't even matter to you, but I don't think it's possible for anyone to completely let go of that - truth is it does. Feelings do only have meaning in terms of themselves, so in theory if you could ignore the whole lot they wouldn't matter anymore, but I don't think it's possible to completely ignore. I don't know the logical reason why we prefer one feeling over another anyway (i.e. comfort over pain) - we all try to feel better - but why prefer certain feelings? - I dunno, but we do.

Also, I admit that I also can't fully let go of what people think of me, I tell myself it doesn't matter, but I just can't banish it completely, it's good that you're honest with yourself, I decieve myself there but doing so helps me feel better. I don't have an answer but I always try to become more like what I want to be, I think we can move towards making stuff matter less, but maybe not make it so that it doesn't matter at all, maybe we can, I hgaven't reached that point yet - but there are some things I care zilch /near zilch about now (I.e. politics)

Alright. If he wants me to know, he will tell me.

It's true. And hardly anyone seems to really care about my wellbeing. I think letting them miss me can work, but it is difficult. Difficult to be alone, and face the fact that I am alone (because really, I have tried it before and no one showed signs of missing me, tried to contact me, etc.) I think maybe I just need to get away. Stop calling them, if they don't call me ever again, accept it. I need real friends. Friends who I don't have to beg, to call me. Friends who want to call me, talk to me and be around me, listen to me, who care about me. That's what friends are.

I don't know about the feelings... I guess the better we feel, it makes us want to survive. And instinct is to fight to survive, fight to stay alive. That's how animals generally work. I guess people kind of defy that a lot, though.

It can be hard, yes. Most people do. I think it hurts if I am repeatedly judged before they get to know me, but I know I wouldn't want to be their friend anyways. I'd rather have no friends than have bad friends.

That's a good way to be, to keep trying.

For me there isn't a definition of who is or isn't a friend, there is only one guy I talk to on the phone (and that's only because it's a routine). Most people at work I get on well with, I never see them outside of work and I don't have any of their numbers, but while we're there we talk about games and newspaper stuff, etc, and they come + go easily. I think most pals are not that deeply connected, they just have fun while each other are there and completely forget about them once they're out of sight - that level is very casual, at least for guys (I know how my sister is a lot more interwoven with her friends and 'friend' is an actual status they have)
You seem to want deeper friendship, I guess you sorta get that a little here, because on mindsay people come to you to help each other through more important things, like understanding what's really lurking in our own minds. I guess, because the level of talking here is deeper than for "pals" - there is naturally more likely to be conflict - it's like I was talking on one blog about immigration, and others about religion and some people were really, really fired up, because it's such an issue, that makes it harder for them to realise my real intention (they may assume I'm trying to fight them) but also so much more important to get it sorted so they can relax - can't be nice to be troubled by it i s'pose. I have heard people say that certain points of conflict shouldn't be discussed, but that's just because they want to avoid conflict - imagine how nice it could be if you could be compatible with someone on all levels, that would require talking about those things...
... and if you can't find someone like that, you could take what you get and try to turn it into something more pleasing

I was thinking, we've evolved to associate the feelings we like with actions that are more likely to keep us alive, but still, you'd have to prefer one version of the feeling over another in the first place. I was thinking, if someone prefered to feel hungry over full, and you then associated the feeling of hunger with a full stomach, then they'd still eat to get more of the feeling they like, but it could be a completely different one - much like you could swap red directly for blue, but we'd still call a red thing red even if it looked different to our eyes, because we were still told to associate the word "red" with whatever colour we see when we look at an object that is red to everyone else

It's healthy that you're not taking invalid judgements too seriously (I know we can't help but be affected somewhat each time..., but y' seem to know what to do), the less seriosuly the better

We all need rest sometimes, it's very, very broken for me, I try, then stop, and keep going like that. I don't think anyone has limitless energy to always be running

Yeah... I really do need that deep connection. I used to always have it with at least one person. The person I last had it with, is Andy, the guy I love. I still feel it, and I can't understand why he acts the way he does and says the things he says. I like to have people to hang out with, but I think to really appreciate friendship, there has to be something more than just being able to hang out. Maybe it's just me. I don't really like casual aquaintances. I always wonder why they can't become more. I just make it out to be that they have enough friends, or just don't feel that strongly that they want to know me better. I always want to know people better, get to know who they really are. How do I turn it into something more pleasing, what do you mean? I suppose sometimes it's nice to have no connection... that way you can fool around without getting attached. That may sound bad, but I think sometimes it's just what we need.

That's true.. it's all about perception. Objects are what they are, no matter how we view them or what we choose to call them.

I like to think so. I don't want to get too full of myself, obviously. But when I'm presented with a negative or positive comment, before agreeing or disagreeing, I try hard to think about it. whether I like it or not, I honestly want to know, and I ask myself: Is this true? Why are they saying this? Do I act that way? What evidence do they have and are they making an unfair judgement on me, or are they exactly correct and have noticed something I hadn't before, etc. I try to be objective, despite if it hurts me or not.

True... we can't always be trying. It's so exhausting. But how long to rest? When to start again? If you stay resting so long, will you have the will to go on? It's all a guessing game, really. I don't think you can ever really be completely sure. Never know what to expect in life, and how you will be able to deal with it.

What I meant by "you could take what you get and try to turn it into something more pleasing" - is me, how I (for some reason) want to everyone to be the same as me on all levels, as if I connect better with it more deeply when it doesn't clash all the way down - but often I don't find people the same on all levels, so I try to make it more... compatible, and I'm open to their ideas too, I will change my angle if I agree with a new point - that's how I build my philosophy - nicking bits off other people!

Doesn't sound bad to connect lightly at times, I suppose we just need what we need

Yeah, good to ask yourself that, it sounds like you have developed a system that is open to listening for ways to adapt but also filters out the untrue crap, and finds possibilities for their intention, which helps you find patterns in them, and maybe it is just them

If life was infinite I'd say rest as long as you felt you needed, it doesn't need to matter if you achieve all things so technically it doesn't need to matter if you did go at your own pace and didn't finish everything, but some things can only be done within a certain frame of time, at least within life (who knows what's after, if anything, maybe some of these things will still be possible... maybe that's a false hope).
I think in some ways exhausion is necessary to rest, at least for me, there are things I'd like to relax about but can't (I wrote a vague entry about). I naturally can't help but think more and become more active when I am more rested, I think, when it's time to move on, you'll be bored of how things are and it'll be what you want to do - and it'll get stronger the more ready you are, sometimes I jump too soon though, and am not able to make as much of a go of whatever it is (i.e. work) - and in that case I'm not relaxing anymore/not as much, so I can't psyche up

I take pride in being openminded, but often people have ways of thinking ( like very judgementally or closed-mindedly) which I don't appreciate. And that is, to me, a very vital aspect of character. It deals with the way one views life and lives it.

Indded I think so. : P

I try, heh.

But often you think you're not ready when you're not, and you might sit there and miss opportunities. We never know when it will end.

Yeah, it seems to be the only way for me. It only happens after a long time though.

It can be too soon or too late, but I think it's what it was meant to be.

I agree

Probably more oppertunities from elsewhere will come if you're open to them, ideally nothing would be permanent and with time the oppertunities wouldn't end regarding a specific person/thing - but I know life isn't like that, being limited as it is. But anyway I doubt that any one thing would really be your final oppertunity, even if it feels like it is

: )

I like to think that's the way it is. I can hope, heh.

I'd contact you.
I feel narrowly the same.
Shame the distance really.
I don't know these people
but they seem the same as half the people in this town my age and around.
They know shit
and you know why?
because they don't know what they have.
Always reaching for more.

narrowly?
Yea.
Mm.
They don't know what they have? You mean, friends and people who care?

Narrowly. Yes. A view but not the entire vision.

Of course they don't. It's like people in relationships that leave for another person. They see their fantasy and they come home to reality. In the fantasy everything is perfect but when they come home they have little fights and stuff. But the fantasy there aren't any problems, just cute little ones that no one minds and actually encourage. But at the end of the day who's really there for you, these fantasies? or the real people (fantasies can be of real people, not made up)

Real people, of course. I like to have conflict with the good parts. I think it's necessary to appreciate life. If you don't know what bad is, how can you know what good is? You have nothing to compare. Fantasies are nice, but it's nothing that exists in real life. They are just that, fantasy.

exactly. Rubbish. Nothing but images of perfection that don't exist in reality. Funny isn't it.

Indeed.

sundry

?

well in the spirit of one word responses. Sundry was just on the mind at the moment.

Ok. I'm sorry?

not sorry. I just needed a reason to say sundry. Actually think you.

Oh ok. I thought you might have been annoyed at my one word answer. Sundry. Like, To sun dry or to be sun-dried... or Sundry, like Sunn-dree?

nope, not angry at you at all. Absolutely.

No, sundry as in many; there was a sundry selection of vegetables to put in the stir fry.

Heh okay good. :3

Oh ok. I forgot that meaning. XD

of course madame

Yeah that evaded me for a while. I thought I ought to have known that one.

: )

Haha maybe.

and what is there to say to such a response? nothing! that's what. What's new? tell me something new. Make me sit down, laugh and shut up.

Haha.. ummmm.

Laugh? That's a hard one.. How about them cupcakes. Some say muffins are just ugly cupcakes, but I mean, I think they're really just jealous of muffins.

Wow, that actually made me laugh... Well cupcakes give people diabetes more often than muffins. Why'd cupcakes be jealous of muffins anyway?

Laughter is good. : ) Haha, because muffins are so awesome! :3 And, as you said, don't give people diabetes as much as muffins. Hehe.

quick question! Favorite Muffin?

Chocolate chip! <3 You?

Ooooh tough one. I have to say it's a toss up between Banana Nut or that, do you know that kind that have kinda the crunchy stuff on top that is similar to coffee cap crumbly bits.

Haha. Never tried those. Nope. 

banana nut? Are you kidding? that's the most common type of muffin next to macadamia nut and raisin muffins.

Not where I live haha, although I must admit I'm not the muffin expert.

Is it like banana bread, but in muffin form, with nuts in it? I have never seen a raisin or macadamia nut in a muffin.. only in cookies.

Well you'd think with industrialization and hydrogenated oil you can have anything virtually anywhere. Well I guess this is the world we live in.

Pretty much. But I like to eat the rappers sometimes. As long as they are paper because foil is inedible.

Yeah... it's kinda sad though.

ok?

...sometimes I'll rip the top of the muffin off and put it aside and I'll eat the bottom part in the rapper. I'll sometimes, or usually, eat the rapper with the muffin for the heck of it. Then I'll eat the top because it tastes better. I just feel bad about leaving the bottom uneaten.

Wow. Haha, I eat the bottom first if they can be seperated... but the wrapper too? It's just scary to me. XD

Well they can usually be seperated. But I'll eat the bottom usually if it can't be removed anyway.
Well the wrapper I will usually consume if it's paper. But not wax paper or foil.

Still, I'd be afraid it would eat me or something. 

what would eat you? the wrapper? It couldn't possibly do that when it is being murderously dissolved by your bile and stomach acid!

Yes the wrapper. And I mean my insides. >.< It still could! We're not meant to eat paper haha. And it certainly doesn't taste good, I have by accident before.

hmmmm. fibrous?

What?

Fibrous. Paper is from trees and trees are very fibrous. But the fiber from trees are not palatable for humans because they cannot digest them easily. Although it can be consumed, it's useless for the human body. So the fibers in the papers are not useful all though have the ability to be consumed.

Haha, but not fibre. Exactly. I don't like to eat useless things. 

Well I kind of do. It's nice to know you're taking things that you'll never have any use for... hahaha joking.

Haha... it's your body, I suppose. 

Yeah, that's true. And I was just being humorous because it's wrong to just take take take things even if you never use them.

Haha, I agree. 

couldn't have been said better.

What, "I agree"? 

yes. if I said anything that got the same point across would have sounded foolish.

Ok?

Exactly Oh I got a new computer for ten dollars. Probably like 8 or 9 canadian dollars. It was from the middle school near my house and they were upgrading them and were moving all of their old ones. about 200 or 2001 was the computers year. i loaded windows XP and it's awesome.

Whatt?? Wow. 

You must have a horsehoe up yer ass! XD

Cheap computers. And since they don't let you do much on the computers they weren't too messed up with viruses and stuff. It's online now... I am complacent.

Sounds prtty sweet!

oh yeah, And my sister figured out how to fix our sound cards so now music rules my room!

Nice!

oh yeah. now i am pirating movies off the internet and watching them from my bed.

That sounds pleasant.

if not to prevent wasting money I can just get movies that are inaccessible unless i order them offline for mucho money!

Indeed.

 I think that is what I was trying to say.

Some say that self-pity is the least attractive of all possible states of mind, sweetheart.

I don't pity myself. I am angry and hurt and am just expressing my feelings. Sorry you judged me that way. Your loss, not mine.

I know what you're saying.  People love taking others who are there for them for granted.  It's shitty.  I hope things get better for you.

Mm. Indeed they do and indeed it is. Thanks.