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(no subject)

just woke up from a dream where i'm living next door to these people, really nosey, presumptuous people who keep walking into my house. it's an adult mother and son, but also some (maybe foster or adopted) kids.  my sister, and some random people, are also staying with me in this huge basement i have. 

somehow we end up in a conflict, and i am in a position where i have to kill the old woman. i don't even remember why, or how, just that afterwards, i was obligated to go to their house and watch the kids. 

it was a really fragmented, nearly incoherent dream, with a bunch of vivid moments.

i feel like i didn't sleep at all. 



4 hrs ago / @morte +
If I was granted 3 wishes. One of them would probably would be that this plays before I ejaculate.
 I like this x 1
10 hrs ago / @cornholio23 +
ingrained pretension i have a problem with judgmental thinking. i really can't help myself. the…
 I like this x 1
19 hrs ago / @morte +
Time for that Elusive Update Entry! Hey guys. So. Reading back those last few entries, I left you all while…
 I like this x 2I like this x 2
yesterday / @commntyblackman +
Get Set Am I the only person who cleans before going on vacation like most people clean before hosting…
yesterday / @divine +
I'd hit that Gerald McRaney...This is a pretty good movie too.
yesterday / @palaceofperseph +
Guys, this could be me. I wish I were lying when I said that this is the story of my life. I’m glad…
yesterday / @almost23 +
Thinking about ink

I have my birthday off from work (April 3rd)

Seriously considering making an appointment for a tattoo but I have NO IDEA what I want.

I want a Kikis Delivery Service tattoo. Originally thought to put that on my right thigh but thinking I want to make it into a half sleeve on my right arm…

....but that's where I was thinking about putting my "coloring page" (Bunch of characters not colored in so I can carry around markers be a portable coloring page)

I could move my coloring arm to the left side. Which would make sense considering I'm right handed. (So I can still use my dominant hand while being colored on)

I was thinking of doing a Zelda tattoo over there but was thinking of just doing the crest on my left forearm. Or the master sword. Idk.

I was considering doing the 4 Elements symbols from The last Airbender on my wrists. (Two on each arm. One on one side. The other on the opposite)

The thing about that... I prefer the symbols the shitty ass movie used. Especially the earth symbol.... But the movie was sooooooooo bad! (Visually I loved it. The detail in Aangs tattoo. What the Kyoshi warriors were gonna look like. Amazing)

With this tattoo I want it to be colored. I don't know how though. Should I just do the symbols in the Colors representing them? I feel like this would be the best simplest route.


Okay. So while writting this, I think I've decided.

I'll get my 4 elements tattoos April 3rd. Each just an outline in their own color.

We all know how much I could use some balance in my life right now.

In May, I think I'll get my Kiki tattoo with Ryan for his birthday tattoo adventure. 


 Love x 1
yesterday / @insanereid +
(no subject) I think I am coming around with this new position [that I’m not entirely 100% sure about, but pretty…
yesterday / @almost23 +
(no subject) WHAT a CrAzY day today has been--- ALREADY! :) I keep reminding myself that in eleven hours…
2 days ago / @almost23 +
'Gong Show' creator Chuck Barris dies at 87 By JOSCELYN PAINE, Associated Press 19 hrs…
2 days ago / @rv1501 +
getting older musing: laugh i can hear myself laugh. i am a person who has tried out many laughs…
 I like this x 2I like this x 2
2 days ago / @morte +
Little Wins

“Rule your mind or it will rule you.” 

I’m discovering the truth in that statement. 



When I was struggling with quitting self-injury, one of the biggest things that helped me was discovering the change in perspective I could achieve by recalling the head space I was in while on vacation at my grandparent’s beautiful and relaxing home in Sarasota. It was a really good head space. I think I just discovered the head space that may be helpful for me while working through this period of depression I’m currently in. 


It’s sort of a mental trick I play on myself. I’m not sure if other people have experienced this as much as I have, but maybe some of you reading this have had an experience where you literally felt a sort of ‘paradigm shift’ occur within yourself. We go throughout our days with certain assumptions about the world and about ourselves and how we relate to everything around us. Sometimes it’s easy to get stuck in unhealthy or negative ways of seeing and experiencing things. But… our brains don’t know the difference between what is real and what is imagined. To our brains, it’s all processed the same, although in our ‘mind’ we normally know the difference. The trick then is to make a mental leap to a different approach. It’s not an intellectual process, but more of a mental and emotional one. 


I’ve always experienced a lot of things pretty intensely, so I can recall pretty clearly the feeling and the perspective I had at different points in my life. If I imagine I’m in that experience again… I can reproduce the feelings of that time and bring them into my current reality, and function from that base point of perspective. It helped me get through a self injury crisis, and I’m feeling like it’s going to be a big help right now as well. 


It’s not the solution, but a tool. 



I am feeling somewhat better today, although I can feel the depression just under the surface, I’m trying to focus on being healthy instead of wallowing in the depression. I think a couple things helping with my improved mood, though, are the fact that the sun is out today and it’s a very nice day outside, and I got a call yesterday about a job I applied to (I just returned the call and had to leave a voicemail, which I hate doing, so I hope she even calls me back because I feel like I probably sounded really nervous in the voicemail) and I had a good night last night. I also went out to Michael’s craft store this afternoon to pick up some more white acrylic paint to finish up a painting I started last week, and while I was checking out I ran into an old co-worker and had a pretty nice interaction with him. He told me good luck on getting a new job and offered to give me a good referral if I need one. So, see –  just leaving the house and functioning normally, “faking it ‘till you make it”, can have some positive results and provide little boosts like that in the right direction. Little things like that are just what I need right now. I guess it’s these little wins that I can ride on until they turn into big wins – like a new job, or the warmth and joys of Springtime once that hits us full force. 





 I like this x 1
3 days ago / @divine +
Building Healthy Boundaries Yesterday I wasn’t at work for 15 minutes before 2 people asked me if I…
 I like this x 1
3 days ago / @divine +
Bad dream? I think I was having a bad dream last night. At approx. 315 this morning I hear "Mom.…
 I like this x 1
3 days ago / @insanereid +
sparks finally feeling like a person again after being sick for like three weeks. it started the day after…
 I like this x 2I like this x 2
3 days ago / @morte +
(no subject) LOL- ohhhhmyLANTA. Said I wasn’t going to “stress over it”. Well I did keep…
3 days ago / @almost23 +
passed tense All those over dramatic passed tense versions of me that I’ve put…
3 days ago / @palaceofperseph +
(no subject) Oh I forgot to mention this! So I know “M” at all because she is friends with Amanda/Amanda…
3 days ago / @mystupidmouth +
say WHAT?!?

Was sitting eating lunch (well, they were eating their subway, I was finishing my coffee) with the other two preschool teachers. We were rambling about our classes and students and conferences…. that sort of “teacher talk”.


Not much later, Alan (our principal) walks in, next year’s tentative “schedule” in hand. (The schedule with which grades have specials and when, lunch times, etc….) He sits down and just chats with us about “teacher talk”/joins in our discussion. He doesn’t offer much else, we were talking a little about taxes and government funds, etc. I SWEAR I heard him say something about “your two classes…. unless we get more to sign up before the end of May” but I’ll admit I was also only half-listening, as sometimes what he says isn’t all that important. I wanted to ask for a clarification, see if I heard right, if that means I’m out my preschool position next year, or WHAT…. but I didn’t. As always, I kept my mouth shut.

Now I’m kicking myself for not asking for clarification.


I do know that he went to their room this morning/yesterday morning and talked about changing times for KEY (like an alternate-kindergarten program that our school offers). I wonder if he mentioned at that time to THEM that they were switching to only two sections of preschool and avoided telling me. I’m not sure.


But I’d THINK that he would inform me the minute he found out.


He DID come tell me when he knew of the possibility, so I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. But I’m no idiot. I DO know that I’m generally the LAST of the three of us to find anything out--- EVEN if it pertains to MYSELF or MY CLASSROOM. *UGH* I guess we’ll wait and hear “officially” what I’m doing. It’d just be nice to know sooner than later.


I’d prefer some extra time to prepare my mind for another grade level as well as prepare things such as professional development, classroom materials, etc.


All this wishy-washiness of our school district is exactly what irks me. I guess sometimes it can also be a blessing in disguise- depending on how you look at it. At this particular time, it’s not something I enjoy.


3 days ago / @almost23 +
getting back to I haven’t written a single artful word since the fire. I’m almost…
3 days ago / @palaceofperseph +
Social Snob I guess I have to face the fact that I am a social snob. I have to wonder sometimes what makes…
3 days ago / @mindset +
(no subject) I wash my hands of this. Five years ago I might be pissed off or try to figure it…
 I like this x 1
4 days ago / @almost23 +
In Metal Gear Solid 1 Solid snake says he smuggled cigarettes in his stomach. Like HELL…
 I like this x 1
4 days ago / @cornholio23 +
I just made shrimp scampi

It’s a life accomplishment.


Just in case I get lazy and never publish the long life update I typed but need to edit, here’s the TL;DR:

  • Coming off medications suddenly really sucks, tapering off sucks only slightly less. I’m working on finding a daily pain medication that works so that I can save stronger medications for emergencies and have it work better, and feel more like me. I had issues with medication refills that was a big mess and made me really sick a couple weeks ago, and I’m hoping that by doing that I can never have that happen again because I barely made it through that couple days, words literally can’t explain how terrible I felt, and I don’t ever want to feel that way again. Plus, if I’m getting pregnant, I need to be on baby-safe and breastfeeding-safe medications….and I’d rather have a year or two to sort out pain control before I reach that point and don’t have a choice.
  • We’re on track to have our life together in the next two years or so. We’re trading our car in for an older/cheaper version of the same thing when we can find one (now that there’s not a huge rush to get a car we can take the time to look for the right one…I know it’s money lost, but lesson well fucking learned, I don’t want to have a car payment anymore). I’ve paid off a couple hundred dollars of medical bills in the past four months or so. It’s barely a drop in the bucket of the ~$14,000 in just medical debt that I owe, but it’s a start that I’m happy with considering our finances right now. As soon as we don’t have debt payments we’re either renting in a nicer/safer place or buying a house.
  • Once we have our financial shit together to a point, we’re trying to have our first child. Hopefully this’ll be in the next year, if not then in the next two years…we really don’t want to wait longer than that, so it’s a damn good motivation to get our money working better! I’m expecting it to take a longish time since we were trying for about eight months before money stuff went to hell, with no luck. Scared about that, but only mildly… it’ll happen when the time is right. When we start trying I’m going to make a new blog, probably on blogspot, just to save my thoughts and what’s happening and stuff throughout trying to be and being pregnant. I’m so happy and excited about this it feels crazy to even be talking about it.


That is all. ^_^


 I like this x 1Cool beans x 1
4 days ago / @xRainbows4eveRx +
Anxiety So I have had a rough month. I am an objective person so let's look at the facts. I…
 I like this x 1
4 days ago / @c4fine13u22 +
Why... … is it practically impossible to find a place that offers diaphragms as a fucking birth…
 Have a Bear x 1
4 days ago / @divine +
Leaving on a Jet Plane Just applied to five jobs. One I really want – it’s just an…
 I like this x 1
4 days ago / @divine +
(no subject) Oh and also. I have conferences two nights this week. It’s crazy not having such a large…
 I like this x 1
4 days ago / @almost23 +
dangers of getting what I want

It looks like we might do the camper thing. But on saturday, I went over to the burned down house to unload dog food. Usually my uncle comes over from where he is living with my cousin to unload the dog food, But, that bunch had gone to the mtns to I unloaded the dog food into a hand-truck. But the hand-truck snapped up when I dropped the dog food on it (it is a law of physics or something I should have paid attention to) and hit me directly in the center of my forehead. It sort of knocked me into this week.


I have experienced symptoms since then. Not limited to the purple easter egg on my head. 


So, above and beyond worrying about mother’s upcoming eye surgery and moving into campers and looking for a decent job...I feel weird. Very weird and jumpy. 


 I like this x 1
4 days ago / @palaceofperseph +
(no subject) Seriously, what the actual *FUCK* is wrong with me?! OK- so…. went on the date with…
4 days ago / @almost23 +
(no subject) Hi all, My younger cousin passed away unexpectedly on Tuesday. Today was the wake and tomorrow is the…
 Love x 2Love x 2
5 days ago / @americancer +

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