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medication related rambles

I’m going to talk about this in vivid detail with all my thoughts because when I have a bad pain flare up in the future, I need it here to remember why it’s important to deal with it carefully and use all my tools instead of just the easiest ones. I’d also love opinions, comments, stories, whatever if y’all have anything to say, good or bad.


So for a long time I’ve been asking my pain mgmt doc if taking pain medication regularly/daily could actually be increasing my overall pain instead of helping it. I’d noted that I used to need to take a norco like once a month or once a week for a bad flare up and was able to manage everything else with motrin and heat. He kept telling me that that’s not possible, that’s not a thing that happens, if my pain is worse it’s a good thing I have the medication available to deal with it because it’s just my body going through a rough patch of illness, but it’s not from the medication – the increase in medication is due to the increase in pain, not the other way around. I kinda didn’t believe him based on past experience with it (taking norco daily around the time of our wedding, I really needed to take it every day for pain being very severe, but when we got home from our honeymoon and I stopped pushing my body so hard and therefore stopped taking it I felt so much better. Again, could have been from the amount I was putting my body through, but… I just have that intuitive feeling that says that’s not the case and I don’t know how to explain it.


Anyway, I had a *super* rough week this month where I nearly had to double the dose of medication I was taking to make it through – 7 percocet a day and I was still stuck in bed with very very severe pain. I never used to feel like that when I wasn’t taking medication daily, and used it rarely as needed (not to mention medication worked way better when I took less, therefore needed less to deal with those severe amounts of pain). On top of that, it’s the second or third time  my doctor has temporarily upped my dose of medication and then left me with no choice but to go without (or with less) until the day I’m allowed to refill it – even if he tells me to take more, he can’t give me more any sooner. So because of that one week of upping the dose, I was short for “daily” medication this month. For the third time. And it makes me feel sick every time. All three times it’s been “Yeah, it’s fine, you can take xx dose for this flare you’re in, it won’t hurt you and the goal is to stay out of the ER.” So… leaving me feeling lost and fucked over. Repeatedly. It’s scary as a patient who’s had addiction in their family for multiple generations, who’s constantly scared of crossing the line from physical dependence on a medication into addiction to the medication. Even scarier when the doctor minimizes all of those concerns.


So, I decided to stop taking percocet, not totally stop but stop using it to manage daily pain and keep it for crisis pain. To do that, I decided it was best to stop taking it entirely and see where I was at with no medication, and then work on it from there to find a happy medium of what I *need* to be taking.


The first two days were awful, with all the normal expected withdrawal symptoms a person would go through after taking it for almost a year at the dose he had me on…sweating (AKA lack of temperature regulation combined with a high fever FML), severe all over pain, nausea, weakness, lack of appetite, total lack of ability to sleep...a weird thing is this very distinct and very strong smell that’s generally awful but doesn’t actually exist (I think – I’ve always been awful at identifying a scent, but I’ve never smelled whatever this is before and it’s gross so ??)… but the absolute worst thing was RLS symptoms, it makes it feel like your muscles are crawling and kinda makes you wish your skin would fall off because straight up pain would be easier to deal with. You can’t sit still, but you can’t move for the pain and weakness, but sitting still is excruciating, and it leaves you trying to find anything to do to find relief. And there is literally nothing that will help. The saving grace was being able to use a cough medication I had to relieve that – a fourth of dose of it was enough to stop the muscle-y stuff without actually making anything else better (which would have made me feel like I was still taking too much medication). Two benadryl every two hours, two motrin every two hours, and cough meds every 6 hours. I tried a muscle relaxer because my muscles were doing a spasmy thing that kept dislocating my shoulder, but it made the rls-y stuff much much worse, so I didn’t do that again. Also, unbelievable the kind of anxiety I would never believe a person could feel and bear, and that coming from someone with OCD and panic disorder. I have panic attacks constantly, normally. But nothing that measured up to half of this.


Two days of this. It sounds (and feels) so silly for these symptoms to feel so bad – sweaty, nauseous, sore, restless, weak, anxious – it reads like a bad flu. But it feels like dying. And I think I’d rather die than go through it again. I was very close to it at a couple points. I don’t think it’s something a person is able to understand until you’ve been through it. I can’t come close to explaining it.


Today, I woke up feeling much better. Not normal, but not bad by any means. I’m very sore, and very, very, very weak. I’m not anxious, but every few hours I’ll have a crazy-intense panic attack that ends as suddenly as it starts and leaves me kinda wondering what happened. I wish I could take flexeril because I have a fucked up muscle in my back that’s bothering me because of sitting the way I have been and it won’t fix until I do, but I need to be further out from this before I can handle it because of the muscley stuff. But the pain is already down to less than it was. So that’s kinda proven me right already… if I’m in less pain, less than a week after stopping the medication… the medication was definitely the root of why my daily pain had gotten so bad. I’m glad I made the right decision. I’m frustrated that my doctor denied it even being a possibility when it seems so clearly related to me.


I want to talk about dependence vs. addiction as well to end this, because that’s a distinction that I’m not sure I can make sense of in my head as sick as I’ve been the past couple of days, and it’s important to me to see if there’s a difference in how I think about it from further away from this week. I feel like my “me” is very non-addictive, I don’t easily get addicted to stuff as a whole, but I definitely feel like my body gets dependent on medications easily, and I’ve had that experience in the past as well. I’m just not sure how to make the distinction. I have no desire to take medication (in fact, I still have enough I could have taken it at any time and felt better, and tapering off probably would have been the thing to do, but I didn’t want to, I was done wondering and I wanted the answer). In my head, I’m good, and it’s not something I need. But my body obviously feels differently, because it thinks it’s dying. I’m not totally sure, medically, how the distinction between the two works. I know they can be very similar and almost the same sometimes. But I don’t feel like I’m struggling with this. I don’t feel desperate. I just feel lost.


One final thing I’m struggling with: I feel like I can’t do anything because I’m so scared of causing a flare up of pain, and I don’t feel safe taking percocet for that pain so close to this period of withdrawal. I want to be at least a week out from my last dose of it, and also feeling 100% again, before I feel safe taking it again, because I’m scared it will trigger the withdrawal symptoms to start again if I take any – despite knowing that’s probably not how it works, the fact that it’s only a “probably not” there is why I’m scared. So, I’m not. But, it makes me terrified of causing myself any pain at all. I can’t do any of the things that make me feel better, so I’m stuck in bed watching TV, but for a different reason – fear of pain, instead of actual pain… but I know these things hurt, so it’s not a fear of pain as much as a fear of unending pain once I make it start by doing one of the things. Coloring hurts, gaming hurts, reading hurts, doing my nails hurts, walking hurts, cleaning hurts, everything hurts, and I’m stuck with nothing I can do except watch TV and read Facebook on my phone, and that’s why I was happy to have the pain medication to begin with – it kept me from being scared of pain, because even if the pain was there, it was never indefinite, I could always make it end if nothing else worked and I couldn’t handle it anymore. I don’t know how to resolve this, other than… I’m gonna be a lazy motherfucker for a couple weeks until I feel safer taking medication again in case doing stuff makes me flare. Not that I’m terribly much complaining about that, I love watching TV and all, but like the anxiety is making me want to clean like crazy and I can’t and that’s frustrating me. But I’ll be okay with that.



A couple final notes… the literal feeling the pain every time a joint subluxes even the tiniest amount is now really annoying to me since it’s been kinda numbed for so long, and also everything tastes and smells so strong it’s hard to deal with. I haven’t eaten in some days because of this, and it’s causing other medical stuff to flare up because I can’t handle food. So there’s that.


I’m doing better. And will do better every day.


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I walked down to the abandoned house, and sat on the concrete out front.
I smoked until my lungs hurt and stared at the cars passing by.
I debated jumping in front of one that was going well above the speed limit,
But decided not to because I was scared it would hurt.
A car pulled over and a woman inside asked me if I was all right,
I’m on break—I’m okay.
I texted my pseudo-boyfriend to tell him about the day;
He thought that I was joking.
He thinks that I’m okay.


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Same Old Story

Not really sure where to begin but felt like I needed to get some things off my chest. I dated my ex for 6 years. In the beginning, I was really happy in the relationship. Then I felt like me and maybe even him too stayed in the relationship because the thought of not being with someone scared us. I left him because he was verbally abusive and disrespectful to me. There has been multiple times that I have blocked him and he found a way back into my life. The most recent time I had blocked him and he created a new Facebook profile so that he could message me. He even had a mutual friend call me to say how much he wanted to talk to me. I stupidly fell for it and we had been talking since then.


Over the course of about a year and a half I let him creep back into my emotions and life. He texted me every morning and we talked almost every day after work. It became habit to talk to him and I definitely started feeling attracted towards him again even though in the back of my mind I knew it would be a terrible idea. I finally decided last week to tell him that we needed to go our separate ways. I think he was beginning to realize himself and that’s why I felt safe enough to bring it up. And we will be moving in a few weeks so I will be able to completely block him and hopefully he will move on. At least this time if he sends me a message I hope I will have the will power to ignore it. I hate that I secretly want him to text me and tell me that he misses talking to me. It’s been so hard to keep my restraints from texting him. I can’t wait til I can just block him completely and then I won’t even have to think about it anymore. It’s so disappointing and frustrating that I’m back in square one. The good thing is now there is no where to go but forward.


I am definitely looking forward to this fresh start. It will be tough moving away from my friends but thankfully it won’t be too far. I’m hoping to start writing poetry again to get out some of my negative emotions. And once we are settled I definitely want to start talking to someone to help me focus on getting my self confidence back. It is going to be a hard journey ahead of me but I’m looking forward to it. I want to get myself to a healthy place, mentally, physically and emotionally. I want to be able to look back on my life and be happy with what I’ve accomplished. I wouldn’t say that I regret the time in my relationship because there are definitely a lot of good memories but it did help to teach me a lot about my future relationships. Life is  too short to be with someone who doesn’t make you happy. I realized you need to be with someone not only helps you grow as a person when you are happy but also supports you in your lows. I feel completely broken but I’m looking forward to getting put back together again. Stay tuned.


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A thought for the day...

The more I watch, the more I read, the more I listen,

the more jaded and disgusted I become with the MSM!


In my mind, the more I hear “an anonymous source”,  “a person

not authorized”, “a source close to___________ ", “a former

official”, “an official” … (Ad nauseum)… the more I less believe

that that source is being protected by the MSM to protect their

identity, but that these “nameless sources” are nothing more

than an excuse for blatant lies and fabrications!


So much “news” is exposed as false/fake now days that I believe

the MSM has totally lost all ability, creditability, and worst of all,

HONESTY in reporting the news!


Negativity? My god. how much more negative can the MSM get?

A Harvard poll reports that Trump immigration news is 96% negative!!


Everything Trump does is “NEWS” and CRITICIZED! 

OMG! Trump had TWO scoops of (vanilla) ice cream while everyone

else received only ONE!

HOLY BATSHIT! Trump had Diet Coke and everyone else had water!






Really, build a fucking bridge and get over it already!!!






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