there used to be a time…
(& that statement let's me know how old i am)
when i wasn't always plugged in.
when i only checked things online once-twice a day, & not several dozen.
& it's enjoyable, you know? to jerk around online. it gives me that internal feeling of accomplishment, even as i achieve nothing of actual merit.
my phone is always on. it never dies. it's always playing music, getting texts, & emails..i'm always checking it. i panic if i can't find it.
granted, part of my attachment is legitimate need; i have to check work emails a few times daily, & during the week, i must be aware of & responding to work texts in a timely way.
but mostly it's the way it feeds into the inertia. how it gives me an excuse to sit still for a long time. how it keeps my brain moving in a weird, meandering way, down various rabbitholes of information & topics of social justice. how i feel like i'm doing something, even though i'm not.
there are certain activities that are now devoid of joy for me, & i think it's because of the phone. it represents the behavior i use it for, & since i'm using it negatively, & in a creepy addict way, it taints scenarios that otherwise would be enjoyable to me. instead of just listening to music, i'm accessing the music on the gateway to inactivity. & what if there are notifications? i'll have to investigate.
this whole line of thought is bumming me out.
i've got to come up with a plan to fix this.