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(no subject)

i want to cry.

 

went to an ngss meeting (science standards) for the elementary.

 

i’m so incredibly lost.

 

i don’t know what to do or how to do it or where to go for resources. and that’s just science.

that’s.

just.

science.

standards.

 

what about reading.

and reading groups

and simm (which the principal wants me to do)

and social studies

what about math

and using the projector

and accelerated reader

and technology

and the chromebooks

and what about the set up of the room

and what about the sites to use

and the duties

and the

and.

cry

 

i quit.

i don’t want to be a teacher.

 

 

((obviously, the last bit was sarcasm….)

 

 
8 hrs ago / @almost23 +
(no subject) When we moved here six years ago, Sienna was definitely struggling in about every way possible. She was…
 I like this x 1Have a Bear x 1Love x 1
yesterday / @almost23 +
That first one... That first drunken giggle always makes me feel better. It lets me know that my legs…
 I like this x 1Love x 1
yesterday / @tiredchild +
(no subject) You all may have noticed that since I returned from vacation a few weeks ago, I have been posting here a…
 I like this x 1Love x 1
yesterday / @divine +
 
-.- New guy at work said "You're probably one of the funniest mother fuckers…
 Love x 2Love x 2
2 days ago / @insanereid +
Thoughts on Ohiopyle...

The river of my life…

Flowing through the mountains of my soul

With each passing year

The deeper it carves its way

Towards the very core of my being

Piece by piece taking a bit off the top

And carrying it to parts unknown

Miles and miles I have floated against my will

Unable to stop, unable to turn back

Always going with the flow wherever it make take me

And I wonder if this is all there is

Drifting along, no control, just going with the flow

I want to have a say in what my final destination is

I want to have some steering input in my destiny

For once in my life I wish to be heard above the roar of the river

Just once – then I shall return to my aimless drifting through life

As I make my way to the sea…

 

 I like this x 2I like this x 2
2 days ago / @weesaul +
(no subject) Straight guys that fetishize lesbian and bisexual women yet are homophobic are annoying af.
 I like this x 1Love x 3Love x 3Love x 3
6 days ago / @mystupidmouth +
(no subject) i really wish i could find all my old hanson shirts. c’est domage!
 
yesterday / @almost23 +
(no subject) I don't know how but I got a call back on that phone interview, they want to schedule an in person…
 
yesterday / @divine +
It occurred to me Whenever I post “existence is pain” stuff on Facebook nobody questions…
 Love x 2Love x 2
5 days ago / @cactusofdoom +
 
(no subject)
 I like this x 1
4 days ago / @mel674 +
 
Parenting is a trap. Seriously guys. Don't do it. Unless you have a fantastic support network of…
 I like this x 1Love x 1
6 days ago / @insanereid +
(no subject)

That old depression is slowly trying to wiggle it'd way into the forefront of my life. It was there on vacation but really really far in the background, and has mostly stayed there since my return from vacation over 2 weeks ago. But this morning I woke to my first conscious thought being, "Oh god, another fucking day? How long am I gonna have to do I have to do this shit for?" 

 

I'm gonna try and refocus my energy. That job,interview took the strength out of me. I didn't feel like it went that great, but I really need a new job, really need to get,out of my current work situation, but feeling like I don't interview well takes all that drive and hope away. But I made myself a goal: to NOT hit the 6 year anniversary with my company that I have coming up on August 2nd. That gives me 3 months to get a new job and/or get this business off the ground. I don't think I can pour all my energy into both, so I have to decide. It would be hard to start this business with a job that has regular working hours. It helps that I work,mostly nights right now. So maybe I'll take the bigger risk and focus on the small business...

 

 I like this x 1Eye Roll x 1
6 days ago / @divine +
TO DO LIST Due tomorrow, Tuesday 4/25: Public Policy- short answer assignment due online Psych of…
 
2 days ago / @mystupidmouth +
(no subject) I already took my allergy meds for the day but I am really dragging today and everything is puffy and…
 
2 days ago / @almost23 +
(no subject) Why am I so addicted to Gilmore Girls?!? Damn you, Netflix!!!! I should be sleeping in my…
 
3 days ago / @almost23 +
 
Green eyes. My eyes are typically emerald green with a Sun burst around the pupil and a dark green line…
 
3 days ago / @insanereid +
Confirmation

I’ve been thinking a lot the last few months, about where my life is headed.  I know I’m making some really good decisions to better my life, but I also know I seem to be stuck in other aspects of my life.  I can’t shake this feeling that I’m not worth the love of any other person.  I see my whole family finding someone to share their life with and while I’m happy for them and I’m happy that they’re happy, I find myself asking “what is so wrong with me, that no one seems to respond to?”  My youngest brother who is 18 years old and has joined the Marine Corps, is getting married to his 20 year old fiancee in less than a week.  We had her bachelorette party tonight and while I don’t necessarily agree that they should be tying the knot so young, I’m very happy that he’s chosen such an amazing person to share his life with and I’m happy to have her as another sister.

 

As the date gets closer, I’ve been feeling more and more isolated being that I’m the only one left who isn’t in a serious, committed relationship.  And while that doesn’t bother me from a competitive perspective, it does from a human perspective.  I’m not upset because they’re all settling down before me, I’m upset that I don’t seem to have taken some fundamental step in my development.  I feel like there is something wrong with me, that I’m missing some crucial element that other people have that allows them to connect with each other on such an intimate level.  It was made appallingly clear tonight in listening to all of these girls talk about their relationships, and the ups and downs they’ve gone through.  I sat there and realized that I can’t relate to anything they’ve been saying because I’ve never experienced any of it.

 

Now, these feelings have been nagging at me for some time now, but today it all seemed to come to a head.  Even before the party, my mother and I were eating lunch together while watching the TV.  It happened to be a Dr. Phil episode about a 19 year old pregnant girl with type 1 diabetes and the risks she faces.  My mother asked me to pause the show which I did, and she turns to me and says “I know it may not be your immediate goals right now, but I really think you should consider adoption if you want to have kids, because I know you want children, but it would be easier to adopt as a single parent than be a pregnant single mother…...”  I know she meant well, but I honestly just felt like all she was saying was “since you won’t ever get married, I think you should just adopt kids.”  Almost as if even my own mother doesn’t think I’m worth it.

 

What is it about me that is so repellent?  Why am I so afraid of letting people in?  I guess I’m just so afraid of being hurt that I’d rather just not try it at all.  I honestly don’t feel like I’m physically or emotionally attractive and so why bother opening myself up if no one will be interested anyway.

 

I needed to get this out and I do feel a bit better after having put it down here.  I feel like it’s the one place I can be honest about how I’m feeling without judgement…. and even if there is judgement, it doesn’t matter to me because anyone who reads this, is not a part of my world.  I don’t know, now I feel like I’m just babbling.

 

 I like this x 1
3 days ago / @hereruraisins29 +
 
Quitting Facebook I think it's about time I step away from Facebook. So much…
 
3 days ago / @insanereid +
Science Logic and critical thinking is a lost art amongst our citizens. You want to support science yet you…
 
4 days ago / @jakerad +
bad news good news My mom’s eye surgery didn’t help very much at all. In fact, she sees almost…
 I like this x 1
4 days ago / @palaceofperseph +
 
. . . . Summary of my night: Random number texts me asking what they did to piss me off. I'm…
 
5 days ago / @insanereid +
(no subject) I wanna get a movie projector to do outdoor movies this summer. “want” but…. close…
 
5 days ago / @almost23 +
(no subject) Do my allergies just keep getting worse or do they just really suck every time that I think they…
 
5 days ago / @almost23 +
Mark

Some people were just not built to participate in this crazy world according to the script, and I think I’m one of those people. 

Some of these sorts of people were maybe raised in a suburban home but always felt drawn to the forest and spent their time as a child learning the ways of Indians who lived here before us, and how to survive in the woods, and didn’t do well in school, and ended up becoming a mountain man. 

Or maybe some of these people couldn’t help but spend all their time growing up on the ocean, they became enthralled with the ocean, and they became obsessed over time with all the different parts of it, and learned to scuba dive and got a degree in biology and now spend all their time filming and working hard to protect the oceans. 

Me – I’m not as outdoorsy as folks like these. But I feel like my spirit has something in common – not really able to be contained in the small confines of modern society. My soul yearns for something more – more freedom. I’m not okay with living the life that most Americans live, and I don’t want to participate in their modern social games. None of it comes naturally to me, it hardly even makes sense – and trying to fit myself into their confines, trying to shape myself into a character that can play their game, is killing me inside. 

I need to forge my own path. 

 

I met up with a friend last week for dinner, I’m not sure if I already wrote about this – 

But she’s one of the most driven, most intelligent young women I’ve ever known. She asks big questions like I do, that’s sort of how we connected. But she’s way more outgoing than me. But like me – she’s not interested in participating. She’s about to graduate soon from college (she’s way younger than me – just 22) and we talked about how she’s been having a hard time find a job, and hates even looking for jobs or playing the whole job-search-interview game at all. We commiserated with her on this whole thing. She brought up that she’s been working on these ideas for side jobs she can do, but she doesn’t talk to people about them because she feels like they’ll judge her because they’re too silly or not real jobs. Like selling goods on Amazon, or starting a YouTube channel for kids (she has a 21 month old baby boy). We talked about these ideas and they all sounded great to me, I encouraged her to pursue them while she has the opportunity. She’s already completed some amazing projects while in school for film. She knows she’ll have a hard time seriously finding a job doing what she truly wants to do, so she has to figure out a way to forge her own path. I told her I’m sort of in the same spot – except I’m slightly less clear on exactly what it is I want to do. We both agreed we just don’t want to work for other people. 

 

And it seems like a lot of people feel that way in my generation. It seems like all the friends I grew up with have these really creative or independent things going on in their life now. One of my closest friends during middle school and high school is now an artist (BA in Fine Art, and started her Masters) – she has her own gallery shows sometimes and her own studio, but to make money she mostly just does painting classes – you know the ones, like Vino Van Gogh, that sort of thing. Another friend became a middle school art teacher. Another friend (BA in Religious Studies) now has her own Etsy shop where she makes her own pins and patches and sells them. Another friend went to school for photography and is doing very well shooting commercial photography in LA. Another one (went to school part-time for music production) ended up working as a bar tender for 8 years and bought herself a brand new car, bought a house with her boyfriend, etc. and just had a baby recently, now she stays at home and she seems extremely happy with her life. Another one (BS in psychology, working on a Masters now) works at a restaurant and plays in a mildly successful (and pretty good sounding if you ask me) punk band. My one friend that seems to not have done much is a friend who wasn’t very creative anyway – she started a degree in marine biology, then switched to Sociology. I’m actually not exactly sure what she’s doing at the moment, but last I knew she was working two jobs and trying to help support her family. And my only other friend I know who might not be doing as well was my best friend from 5th grade to high school, she tried modeling for a while but honestly wasn’t cut out for that, then she worked for a long time at her mom’s marketing business. I think she works a similar job at a different company now. She was always the smartest kid in class, got perfect grades, etc. and started college for mechanical engineering. I’m not sure why she never finished, but she didn’t. Probably partly because it was too much pressure and she wasn’t really following her heart – she was really smart, sure, but there’s more to a person than that. 

 

We’ve all had it rough. But my point is, this is basically the majority of the people I knew growing up. They’re all successful by my book, but their lives look different than our parent’s lives. They’re not married (except the Fine Arts major artist is getting married in August), or they don’t have a big job with a major company, or they’re struggling to make ends meet but happy, or they’re having to live with room mates just to get by. When by our age our parents had their own home and a family of their own. We aren’t doing that shit. And that’s fine. 

 

That’s fine, but it doesn’t take away the difficult parts of forging this path. We’re a new generation of Americans re-defining adulthood in America. It’s been re-defined before, but usually based on the framework from before. But we’re sort of… throwing the framework out the window, in a lot of ways. 

 

I’m just trying to make myself feel better about being where I am. The world is different. Things are shifting. And we are that shift. When things shift, stuff can get lost or confusing or whatever. I just need to stop trying to fit myself into the old mold, and be brave enough, like some of my old friends have been, to take a chance, and make a move. To make my own mark. 

 

A toast to all these brave souls… 

 

 

 

 
6 days ago / @divine +
A thought for the day... In the past, I have driven a 375 HP 396 CI ‘66 SS Chevy, a ‘03…
 
6 days ago / @rv1501 +
 



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