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So I just finished deadly premonition

Honestly, if you like surrealist art and video games, its one of those games you should play. 



I started out thinking this would be like a b-movie game.. So bad its enjoyable. 


Left thinking something else. I’m not quite sure what it is yet. But it was enjoyable, and is something I dont think I’ll ever forget. So, it gets an A+ in my book. Its one of the few things ive consumed nowadays that I think about when Im not playing/reading/watching it. 


Also, for how strange it was, the romance subplot was amazingly believable.. and relatable. 



Really glad I decided to play it. But my hands are done from doing all the running sections lol. 


1 hr ago / @cornholio23 +
Creepy Tale I googled "slepeing with windows open" because i thought maybe its healthy or…
2 hrs ago / @divine +
Brain I remembered more abuse yesterday. It's like once I was marked everybody had their turn with me.…
 I like this x 2I like this x 2Have a Bear x 4Have a Bear x 4Have a Bear x 4Have a Bear x 4Love x 3Love x 3Love x 3
yesterday / @dustball +
Brain Hurricane Attempting to get my shit together and complete my lesson plans that are due tomorrow. The…
5 hrs ago / @americancer +
You'll say we've got nothing in common No common ground to start from, And we're falling…
 I like this x 2I like this x 2Have a Bear x 2Have a Bear x 2Cool beans x 3Cool beans x 3Cool beans x 3LOL x 2LOL x 2Eye Roll x 1OMG x 1Good idea x 1Sad Panda x 1I don’t even x 1Love x 1
yesterday / @Foundinthemusic +
Election Go ahead. Elect Hillary. You’ll only be putting us at severe risk of war with Russia.…
 I like this x 2I like this x 2Have a Bear x 1
yesterday / @jakerad +
Musings on a rainy day in a coffeeshop... It has been quite a long time, a very long time in fact, since I…
 I like this x 1OMG x 1
yesterday / @weesaul +
metallic tarantulas retaliate I found this thing. It must be 10 years old by…
 I like this x 1
yesterday / @videogames +
(no subject) Feeling better since I've been doing my actual job. That's a relief.
 I like this x 1Have a Bear x 1Love x 1
2 days ago / @cas +
Muffins! Muffins doesn’t enjoy having her picture taken as much as Leela, but I just can’t…
 Have a Bear x 1Eye Roll x 1Love x 3Love x 3Love x 3
2 days ago / @deeterz +
MindSay Operations Intern I am looking to add another person that has the technical know-how to operate…
 I like this x 1Good idea x 1
yesterday / @dustball +

Again, im posting from my phone and while im trying to be as precise as posible with my tuping, its hard because these keys are tiny and i dont want to spend more time editing than writing.. So, excuse the spelling and grammar mistakes. I hope this post isn't rendered unreadable. 


So anyway... as some of you may know, i come from a long, long line of alcoholics, on both skdes of my family. Longest line is my mother's side, buton my dad's side my grandfather, great grand father, uncle, and my dad, are alcoholics. My dad is "functioning", as some might say. My mom, too. 


My grandmother, great grandmother, grandfather, great grandfather, maternal uncle, great uncle, great great uncle... older sister.... all battled with SEVERE alcoholism. My sister is currently in rehab for the ump-teenth time. 


After all the marriages between alcoholics in my family who had kids, who becane alcoholics and married alcoholics and had kids... and on and on.... it's like its bred into my genes. When they say youre at higher risk if someone in your family is an alcoholic... i must be at 99% risk. 


So i grew up always saying i would never drink.


Now i live alone and my drinking is increasing and im starting to worry. Part of me wants to ignore it and drink a bottle of wine by myself every night. Because to me, in some fucked up way, that seems normal. Which j guess is maybe sometging that happens when you grow up around alcoholics. But another part of me says, No, this isnt normal, it isnt okay, you need to stop drinking now and if you find it hard you need to seek help. And then the other part says, nah, chill, drink the ladt of the wine... Im so torn. And it's that fact that alarms me most. Because shouldnt it be easy to say, Ah, thats enough for now... and mlve on? Isnt that easy for most healthy adults? Do i need to be concerned? If i AM having trouvle with this, would i look stupid seeking help? Its not like my lofe is falling apart. Like my sisters. To me, shes what alcoholism looks like. Shes been in and out of rehab, lost her license, her marriage, her cars, her jobs, her home, her kid, and is facing losing her freedom for six months at least in prison if she can't complete this current rehab program. And several times nearlt her lofe to over doses, suicide attempts and alcohol poisoning. To me, that's what alcoholism looks like. 


But what abouy when it started for her? Was she like i am now? An internal battle? Is the battle cause enough for alarm? Perhaps even thse questions are cauwe enough. But ibguess its hood that im asking. But what to do.


I keep telling myself i can control it. I dont need to quit entirely.  I can still enjoy wine casually at home. But then i buy a bottle and struggle to not drink it all at once. Alone. Im in a relationship with someone with a history of problem,drinking. So lredictable, so typical. My mom married a full blown alcohilic who ended up killing himself. I have spent so much time worried about continuing my family's history od struggling with money, so mjch time focused on breaking that pattern, and i paid no mind to how i might be playing out the pattern of alcoholism. 


It even crosses my,mind with some regualrity that maybe i would like to have a drink early in the mkrning to start my day on the right foot. Surely one drink to mellow me,out before a sfressful day at WORK shouldnt be that bad, right? RIGHT? only once have i actualle done this. A couple months ago. But it still crosses my mind and is something i have to talk myself away from regularly. I think some part of me already accept s that its something i may end up doing, so i dont stress over it. What will be will be. 


..........What to do.........


 I like this x 1
16 hrs ago / @divine +
(no subject) I've become extremely interested in understanding as best I can what is happening in the middle…
16 hrs ago / @divine +
sorry last post today, I promise (unless something weird happens). This…
 I like this x 1I don’t even x 1
2 days ago / @palaceofperseph +
Stress is killer Tuesday night was terrible. My head is still ringing. I think my body may be dealing with…
17 hrs ago / @insanereid +
Winding Down It's 11:30 and i,just got home from an 11 hour shift at work. It's a cool night,…
17 hrs ago / @divine +
Porn Star, Indecent Proposal, Surprise Kiss: Porn Star Indecent Proposal Surprise Kiss …
18 hrs ago / @palaceofperseph +
When it rains... pours. We’ve had a very dry summer in the Endless Mountains. It made putting…
 I like this x 1
yesterday / @saikotikgunman +
Pot Pie

We're getting a ‘pot pie soup’ at work next month. Hearing about this today led me to decide I would spend my Friday night making my first pot pie. So I went out and bought all the ingredients I needed, and the dough! I’ve never made a pie of any sort before, never worked with dough except to made bread one time and as a child when I used to mix water and flour and make a mess for fun.


In the pan it tasted really good. But I put it in the oven about 20 minutes ago and it started spilling over. I forgot to put a larger pan underneath the 8x8 inch pan that the pot pie is actually in, per the recipe’s instructions, so the filling starts spilling all over onto the bottom of my oven. I anxiously keep checking it, hoping htere’s not a fire starting up in there.


My freaking oven doesn’t have a glass window on the front so I can’t see in from the outside! When I was younger I used to think that the reason for those doors is so you can see how tasty and delicious your food was becoming while it cooks. Because that’s what I used it for as a child. But now I realize it’s so you can see IF THERE’S A FUCKING FIRE IN YOUR OVEN. Which I can’t see. So eventually I decided to put the pan on top of another pan to prevent any further spillage. Shortly after I do this, lots of smoke starts coming up through my stovetop ranges. So I turned off the oven, opened up my whole apartment (it’s chilly outside, man!) and am waiting until the smoke stops.


I just checked it and the dough rose quite a bit. I just hope it’s cooked through. The filling is for sure cooked – it was cooked before I put it in the oven. But that dough better not be doughy.


anyway, I hope my first pot pie comes out good. It was very labor intensive to prep so I don’t think I’ll make it again anytime soon, even if it is good.


And this mostly sucks because I REALLY wanted to bake some cookies tonight too but now with the mess in the oven I have to let the oven cool before I can clean it then bake the cookies…. may be too much work.




Wine. World Cafe on NPR while cooking. Movie during dinner. I’m a content camper tonight.



 Love x 1
yesterday / @divine +
Long Live Whatever Forever! Don’t hate me when I tell you that I diiid end up telling that boy that I…
 I like this x 1Cool beans x 1
2 days ago / @freakofnature +
(no subject) Not 100% sure how much more I can take. I cannot stand having my own failures constantly shoved in my own…
 Have a Bear x 1
2 days ago / @americancer +
A thought for the day... Will someone explain to me just when did “hairy” (as in pubic…
yesterday / @rv1501 +
First Woman President! We are probably getting her, by hook and by crook. I would actually vote for Jill…
 I like this x 1
2 days ago / @palaceofperseph +
(no subject)

Taking Ginger to get all her shots and a microchip tomorrow. Ordered 3 more months of her chewable flea & tick stuff so that’s a lot less for me to worry about.


May or may not get a new piercing this weekend. If you’re in the Portland area you’ve probably heard of or been to Black Hole Body Piercing. I frequent the West location over in Beaverton. I’ve never had a bad experience there They’ve got a new apprentice piercing there on Saturdays so whatever you want done is free, aside from the price of the jewelry. I want to get a new septum ring too that’s snug and seamless so I can get rid of this circular barbell. My nose studs are also a bit long because I never downsized them, so sometimes they stick up out of my nose like antennae lol.


Haven’t decided what I’ll get if I do get stuck tomorrow. I know I want a vertical labret and a philtrum, small studs in each tragus, as well as an industrial. Need to talk to them about stretching my lobes a little (not very big, just a couple sizes) but my original ear piercings are wonky as fuck, so I dunno if I need to get fresh piercings and wait for them to heal before I begin stretching them. Saving the bellybutton for later down the road for when I can give it a good environment to heal in. And I want a tongue piercing again, but I had such bad pain from the placement of the last one that I had to take it out while I was in Wales.


I’ve thought about it for a lil bit and I’m gonna wait another 2 weeks. Too much stuff to spend money on that’s more important so I need to put those first over body mods lol.




Left this here for a few days. Have had something in my thoughts but haven’t quite felt like I was in the right mind to write about it. I still don’t feel like I’m going to fully grasp my feelings on it but yeah. I’m afraid I’m infertile. I’ve always had troubles with my downstairs business. Yep, I’m gonna talk about my period. 


My period has never been regular, not in my whole life. I’m 27 now, so I’ve had over 15 years of unpredictable, bloody problems. It had also always been on the heavy side, so imagine not knowing when that’s going to start. Sometimes it’ll last a few days, sometimes it’ll last 3-4 weeks. Sometimes I’ll have two a month, sometimes I’ll go 3-5 months without having one.


All of my doctors have said IT’S JUST STRESS. You know, probably. But now that I’ve been made aware of my bipolar diagnosis, it makes more sense. I used to fight them and say how? How can I be that stressed ALL the time, what is causing me to be soooo stressed my entire adult life? 


I’ve been on and off the pill a couple times. Off because I stopped being with a long-term partner and didn’t see the point, or moved across the country so I didn’t have health insurance. It did sort of help my period become a little more predictable. Always seemed to start 2-3 days before my placebos, but at least I had a general idea.


I had a few slip ups with 2 of my exes (didn’t pull out in time, broken condom etc) and was surprised I never got knocked up.


Before I went to Wales I went in to try to get a refill of my pills because hey I’m getting laid right gonna need it. Had skipped about 2 months because I couldn’t afford an extra 15 bucks a month when I didn’t need it. Apparently my prescription expired, so I had to run around to different pharmacies that can prescribe BC (thank god for that Oregon law). Most of them didn’t have that pharmacist working at the time, and the last one wouldn’t give it to me because you had to test under a certain blood pressure, and I was stressed the fuck out because I needed these pills and it was the last day I could drive around searching for a pharmacy that could give them to me.


So, off I flew to Wales, no birth control. I know it wasn’t my best decision, but I figured fuck it, I can come back home and take the abortion pill if things go tits up. We planned on pulling out, but it happened twice on accident and you know what, I just really like the way it feels so we said fuck it and kept on doing it. I told him I’d be looking into the abortion pill when I got home. I’m not about to be having any kids yet.


We had a LOT of sex over those 3 months and I had a period in the first month, and a shorter one in the second so I thought I was fine. Then I didn’t get one the third month and was freaking out. I felt like I was MASSIVE. I felt bloated, I felt nauseous, and when I looked up symptoms of how many weeks I thought I was pregnant, I was BANG ON. I was only scared of the pain that an abortion would cause, but I didn’t have any second thoughts about doing it.


When I came home I was freaked out for a while and I had a hard time getting an appointment to look into the abortion pill. A few weeks down the road I came across the threshold of being able to use the pill and having to have the “surgical abortion” and that freaked me out even more. I took about 10 pregnancy tests that all came out negative, but I kept feeling all of these horrible things going on with my body and thought maybe my tests are wrong. A couple days before my screening appointment I had the heaviest, most painful period in my life.


I’m pretty sure it was a miscarriage. 


yesterday / @deadite +
Burning Say 2017? I enjoy camping. I have been camping in Black Rock Desert, NV, many times…
 Cool beans x 1Good idea x 1Love x 1
5 days ago / @dustball +
slug vs. hare sometimes you have those conversations that make you go huh?…. but they’re…
 Have a Bear x 1Good idea x 1
2 days ago / @chri +
slug vs. hare sometimes you have those conversations that make you go huh?…. but they’re…
 LOL x 1Eye Roll x 1I don’t even x 1
2 days ago / @chri +
ok so instead of posting zombie photos I just binge watched walking dead. so so dark. love…
 I like this x 1
2 days ago / @dustball +
(no subject)

I have this problem. I don’t feel like I blog for myself. I have every intention of writing an entry to put my mind at ease, but more often than not I end up blogging with the hopes of others liking my content. I want people to like me and think that I’m funny and interesting and give a shit about what I post.

It gives me anxiety because I want to post but I don’t want it to be garbage, so I’ll write something and just delete it all. Ends up making this shit feel like something I want to do but can’t because I’m unable to do it well.

Also I’m constantly worried that anyone I knew 10+ years ago that has an account here is going to wonder, “Hmm, what ever happened to mindsay?” and log in and see my shit life. Including the boy I used to date in high school, who still happens to live NEXT DOOR.

I wish I could disappear into another name.


 I like this x 4I like this x 4I like this x 4I like this x 4Have a Bear x 1
6 days ago / @deadite +
From now on this shit is for me, not anyone else. Well I’m done being manic I think. Past day or two…
 I like this x 2I like this x 2Have a Bear x 1
5 days ago / @deadite +
(no subject) I had been off site and training for 2 weeks. Thanks, life, for the reminder that I cannot…
yesterday / @cas +
NSFW x 100 Model : Asia Star Photographer : dustball This post contains pictures and text…
 I like this x 2I like this x 2Love x 1
5 days ago / @dustball +

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