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Surgery yesterday

I had surgery yesterday to fix the scars and assymmetry from my breast reduction in 2013.


I got there at 7:30 AM, they got everything ready, took me back around 10 AM… I was super scared and freaking out so they knocked me out super fast once they brought me back. Like didn’t even make me do the try-to-count-down-from-ten thing, just “hey, don’t be scared, we got this!” and then I was like “yeah I trust you but I’m still scared” and then I was out.


They did a super great job though. For the first time I woke up awake instead of super drugged up and by the time we left the hospital I was actually functional awake...sleepy from the all the various drugs but not loopy and drugged out, just sleepy. And thankfully not nauseous… they gave me SIX nausea meds – 5 through IV and a patch behind my ear… I ALWAYS have post op nausea but not this time! Best part lol.


Once I was awake and got dressed to go home and stuff my surgeon came in and took off some of the bandages and showed me what he did. It already looks so much better than it was and I’m so happy about it.


Me and Brandon didn’t wake up on time for me to take pain meds on schedule last night so it was 7 ½ hours between doses, that was AWFUL. I didn’t think I could hurt that bad and be conscious. I’ve been taking them about every 3 ½ hours since then, it’s supposed to be four hours but I don’t want it to wear off and hurt like that again…. it’s still kinda hurting from that because it’s hard to get back on top of the pain… but once I do I’m going to slowly take it further and further apart. 


My throat hurts really bad. I can barely talk and keep coughing stuff up. I’m really hoping that gets better soon. Other than that the only pain I’m really having is the drain he put on the right side. It hurts so much there even with pain meds, and not much is even draining. I really want that out soon. My post op appointment is Friday and I’m hoping he takes it out then and doesn’t make me wait over the weekend.


I feel like this time it went much much better than last time. I’m in very little pain, not drugged out or dizzy (a little drugged out right now from the pain medication but), can walk and function and stuff pretty well… I’m happy so far. Wish me luck on recovery though! I hope it keeps going this well.


8 min ago / @xRainbows4eveRx +
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feeling persecuted david bowie, prince, & gene, fuck you 2016, you greedy bastard.
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I do not do mornings. Went to the beach with Warmhand’s mom yesterday, it was lovely. …
4 hrs ago / @myspacebarbroke +
Actor Gene Wilder, star of Mel Brooks movies, dies at 83

LOS ANGELES (AP) -- Gene Wilder, the frizzy-haired actor who brought his deft comedic touch to such unforgettable roles as the neurotic accountant in "The Producers" and the mad scientist of "Young Frankenstein," has died. He was 83.

Wilder's nephew said Monday that the actor and writer died late Sunday at his home in Stamford, Connecticut, from complications from Alzheimer's disease.

Jordan Walker-Pearlman said in a statement that Wilder was diagnosed with the disease three years ago, but kept the condition private so as not to disappoint fans.

"He simply couldn't bear the idea of one less smile in the world," Walker-Pearlman said.

Wilder started his acting career on the stage, but millions knew him from his work in the movies, especially his collaborations with Mel Brooks on "The Producers," ''Blazing Saddles" and "Young Frankenstein." The last film — with Wilder playing a California-born descendant of the mad scientist, insisting that his name is pronounced "Frahn-ken-SHTEEN" — was co-written by Brooks and Wilder.

"Gene Wilder, one of the truly great talents of our time, is gone," Brooks wrote in a statement Monday. "He blessed every film we did together with his special magic and he blessed my life with his friendship. He will be so missed."

With his unkempt hair and big, buggy eyes, Wilder was a master at playing panicked characters caught up in schemes that only a madman such as Brooks could devise, whether reviving a monster in "Young Frankenstein" or bilking Broadway in "The Producers." Brooks would call him "God's perfect prey, the victim in all of us."

But he also knew how to keep it cool as the boozing gunslinger in "Blazing Saddles" or the charming candy man in the children's favorite "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory." His craziest role: the therapist having an affair with a sheep in Woody Allen's "Everything You Wanted to Know About Sex."

"The greatest comedic mind of my childhood is now gone," actor Josh Gad wrote on Twitter. "#RIP #GeneWilder & thank you 4 your pure imagination. This one hits hard."

Tweeted Jim Carrey: "Gene Wilder was one of the funniest and sweetest energies ever to take a human form. If there's a heaven he has a Golden Ticket."

Wilder was close friends with Richard Pryor and their contrasting personas — Wilder uptight, Pryor loose — were ideal for comedy. They co-starred in four films: "Silver Streak," ''Stir Crazy," ''See No Evil, Hear No Evil" and "Another You." And they created several memorable scenes, particularly when Pryor provided Wilder with directions on how to "act black" as they tried to avoid police in "Silver Streak."

But Wilder would insist in a 2013 interview that he was no comedian. He told interviewer Robert Osborne it was the biggest misconception about him.

"What a comic, what a funny guy, all that stuff! And I'm not. I'm really not. Except in a comedy in films," Wilder said. "But I make my wife laugh once or twice in the house, but nothing special. But when people see me in a movie and it's funny then they stop and say things to me about 'how funny you were.' But I don't think I'm that funny. I think I can be in the movies."

In 1968, Wilder received an Oscar nomination for his work in Brooks' "The Producers." He played the introverted Leo Bloom, an accountant who discovers the liberating joys of greed and corruption as he and Max Bialystock (Zero Mostel) conceive a Broadway flop titled "Springtime For Hitler" and plan to flee with the money raised for the show's production. Matthew Broderick played Wilder's role in the 2001 Broadway stage revival of the show.

Though they collaborated on film, Wilder and Brooks met through the theater. Wilder was in a play with Brooks' then-future wife, Anne Bancroft, who introduced the pair backstage in 1963.

Wilder, a Milwaukee native, was born Jerome Silberman on June 11, 1933. His father was a Russian emigre, his mother was of Polish descent. When he was 6, Wilder's mother suffered a heart attack that left her a semi-invalid. He soon began improvising comedy skits to entertain her, the first indication of his future career.

He started taking acting classes at age 12 and continued performing and taking lesson through college. In 1961, Wilder became a member of Lee Strasberg's prestigious Actor's Studio in Manhattan.

That same year, he made both his off-Broadway and Broadway debuts. He won the Clarence Derwent Award, given to promising newcomers, for the Broadway work in Graham Greene's comedy "The Complaisant Lover."

He used his new name, Gene Wilder, for the off-Broadway and Broadway roles. He lifted the first name from the character Eugene Gant in Thomas Wolfe's "Look Back, Homeward Angel," while the last name was clipped from playwright Thornton Wilder. A key break came when he co-starred with Bancroft in Bertolt Brecht's "Mother Courage," and met Brooks, her future husband.

"I was having trouble with one little section of the play, and he gave me tips on how to act. He said, 'That's a song and dance. He's proselytizing about communism. Just skip over it, sing and dance over it, and get on to the good stuff.' And he was right," Wilder later explained.

Before starring in "The Producers," he had a small role as the hostage of gangsters in the 1967 classic "Bonnie and Clyde." He peaked in the mid-1970s with the twin Brooks hits "Blazing Saddles" and "Young Frankenstein."

He went on to write several screenplays and direct several films. In 1982, while making the generally forgettable "Hanky-Panky," he fell in love with co-star Gilda Radner. They were married in 1984, and co-starred in two Wilder-penned films: "The Woman in Red" and "Haunted Honeymoon."

After Radner died of ovarian cancer in 1989, Wilder spent much of his time after promoting cancer research and opened a support facility for cancer patients. In 1991, he testified before Congress about the need for increased testing for cancer.

That same year, he appeared in his final film role: "Another You" with Pryor.

Wilder worked mostly in television in recent years, including appearances on "Will & Grace" — including one that earned him an Emmy Award for outstanding guest actor — and a starring role in the short-lived sitcom "Something Wilder." In 2015, he was among the voices in the animated "The Yo Gabba Gabba! Movie 2."

As for why he stopped appearing on the big screen, Wilder said in 2013 he was turned off by the noise and foul language in modern movies.

"I didn't want to do the kind of junk I was seeing," he said in an interview. "I didn't want to do 3D for instance. I didn't want to do ones where there's just bombing and loud and swearing, so much swearing... can't they just stop and talk instead of swearing?"

Wilder is survived by his wife, Karen, whom he married in 1991, and his daughter from a previous marriage, Katherine, from whom he was estranged.


 Sad Panda x 1
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(no subject) Gene Wilder Dies at 83; Star of ‘Willy Wonka’ and…
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15 hrs ago / @divine +
...and we're back.

After 29 days of being down, we’re back.  I am so sorry about what happened, this was the perfect storm of bad luck.  I made a video last week explaining what was happening.  


Amazon finally removed multi-factor authentication and allowed me into my account to fix the server.  What a nightmare that was.


I will be spending some time making sure something like this can’t happen again; I don’t like being so tied to Amazon’s whim.


Please accept my apologies.  I know being able to write is VERY important.  Providing a space for people to be themselves and say what is on their mind, I feel, is something worth fighting for.  







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3 days ago / @calculus +
It's whatever you say it is... We split infinity... (Pt. 3)

(...continued from Pt. 2...)


There is a side of life that I almost constantly try to seek: The positive.


There are a multitude of ways that I focus on to find the positive: A spontaneous road trip to a local brewery; a conveniently scheduled get-together with close friends; finding the time to collaborate with fellow musicians for a jam session… The list could go on and on.


However, recently, I’ve found the list of things that I’m willing to pull myself out of isolation for is constantly dwindling.  Less common are the large parties and random get-togethers for no reason other than to get together…


In their place stands several things: A lack of motivation to clean around the house; a lack of time due to randomly-made work schedules; and a large dip in self-esteem due to the lack of cleaning, lack of time set aside for friends, and a lack of push to get the aforementioned things done.  It’s a double-edged sword and it has cut me more than twice.  But I’m just repeating the last entry here...


All of that said, I feel like I’m at yet another time in my life where the time for serious change can take place.  Some people subconsciously limit their lives to a certain amount of chances before they give up; me… I know that it’s going to take a whole lot of idiocy and time in order to get to where I’d like and need to be in my life.


For some people, that sort of thing comes naturally.  For a person like myself, that moment seems to come after several, several tries.


Now, I’m not advocating anyone taking more (or, possibly more importantly, less) time than they need to to change their self; I just don’t believe that the time it will take can be measured accurately from person to person.  Each of us is unique in their sensitivities, passions, and opinions; each case is different individually.


But I have hope that this is not the end of my creative persona.


Remembering is all great and well but acting is a different type of energy entirely.  I need, I want, I have to act.  So I will try.


Sorry for breaking all of this up into three rambling parts… But I just couldn’t honestly express how I’ve been feeling with one entry.  And I knew that, predictably, I would end up second-guessing myself if I wrote it all out in one entry.  So I broke it up in order to say what I needed to say and not much more.


At the end of everything I’ve talked about, I want to make clear to you all that I’m doing Ok.  When times have gotten to be extensively depressing, I have, so far, found some method of pulling myself out of it, if only just enough.


I have a new job, better pay, and time to spend with friends to look forward to.  Despite all I’ve been feeling, that early morning sky I mentioned in a past entry is looking more and more like it will produce clear, sunny days in the future.


I sincerely hope you all have found great hope and/or motivation in your lives lately.


Much love,



 Have a Bear x 1
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"a friend first, always a friend first"

i am going to guess that you said this to me around the time of your breakdown, when you started getting really emotional. 

we were talking about the growth of our friendship, how it had changed and progressed over the years, and i mentioned that our “boss/employee” dynamic had really defined the first few years of our friendship. how i often felt like a commodity, a “peon,” and how i was always slightly scared of your temper, and the position of power you had over me. 

and you asserted that you had always considered me a friend, that our friendship was more important to you than what use i could be. 

this last winter was a hard one for you. losing your relationship last fall definitely was quite a blow, but the following deterioration was anything but a natural progression – most people don't follow, or skulk, wheedle or threaten their ex under the guise of “staying friends.” you kept making bad decisions, and i kept asking you why. you couldn't answer, and you couldn't stop; that should have been my red flag. i guess after eight years, the flag looked minor.

when you called me to weep, i answered, no matter what i was doing. when you said you needed someone to listen, because you couldn't stand being alone, i drove for an hour to be there, and stayed up all night before going to work the next day to make sure that you didn't have to feel isolated. 

and over these months, you seemed to open up. you told me you loved me. you encouraged me to try to get myself some help and support. i thought i was seeing you turn into a better person, suffering, but expanding, and learning. 

i thought you were learning to care about me.

maybe you only suggested therapy for me because you knew i would need the support once i found out the truth. if thats the case, that is the only altrusitic, empathetic, human thing you did. 

your betrayal spanned the entire time you were “having your breakdown.” you did despicable things, having me handle your personal life and items, the entire time completely aware that you were doing the worst thing to me, and that the subterfuge could only go on for so long. 

while you made soulful, teary eye contact and repeated over and over how important i am to you, it was all just a cover for the person you are: weak, selfish, inconsiderate, manipulative, disgusting. 

it wasn't incidental. it wasn't accidental. you know how i know? because you kept trying to fuck me. which honestly would have made me...i don't know. when i found out about your big secret, i was very sick over it for months. if i had let you fuck me while all this was happening behind my back...i don't know how sick i would have gotten. maybe too sick to recover.

because when i found out the truth, i had to handle it. i had to get rid of you, and make sure everyone was safe from you. but i thought about suicide a lot. a lot-a lot. being logical was extremely difficult. i don't know how much worse it would have been if i had let your rancid cock inside of me. 

and that's how i know it was intentional. fucking me would have made the betrayal entire. 

you really must have wanted to end our friendship pretty definitely.  

mission accomplished..


soooo. thats a chunk of my summer. 


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5 days ago / @mel674 +
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1AM Angst Of course it was never going to last But I miss you anyway Two months later I still think…
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2 days ago / @mystupidmouth +

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